Looking Forward

As a single mom, it's hard at times to find others that I am able to confide in when it comes to talking about the butterflies that I experience and nervous excitement that I have before a date or when I meet someone who I’m attracted to. It's not often that it happens so it's during the dry spells that I'm there as a confidante, therapist and friend to others. I’m there for those seeking comfort, looking for someone who can listen and understand what they're going through.

I'm there for my friends who have either given up on love or are still trying to comprehend the relationships - and mistakes - from their past. My entire life has been dedicated to helping and listening to others. I'm a great listener. I don't think there's anyone that knows me that would tell you otherwise. Which is why, at times, I really feel the need to unleash and spill my guts to those who can also understand and who listen to me as I provide way too much information about an escapade that I've encountered or complain about a dry spell that's gone on for far too long.

Often, I spend my time online visiting the sites and blogs of other single parents - both moms and dads - who have encountered the same issues that I have. The Single Parents Connection on Facebook has a growing list of blogs dedicated to single parents. I'm honored to be included among such honest and humorous writers.

Prior to my divorce, I was the mom who worked over 50 hours a week, feeling guilty about not being there for my son, missing out on so much as he grew up and changed in the blink of an eye while I built my career, being the breadwinner and putting all of my energy into my job, not realizing that I was neglecting my husband and child at the same time.

We all make sacrifices for our family and there is always a choice to be made. Seeing the other side of it now, the work-at-home mom who wants to provide for her child, who has so much to offer and supply as a nurturing, sympathetic caregiver who wishes she could turn back time.

There’s also another side to that. I also need and crave that female energy, the bond that has brought women together for centuries, which is maybe one of the main reasons why I’m so looking forward to attending my first BlogHer conference.

I have met so many great and inspiring women in this lifetime. I have been lucky enough to have sat with some brilliant individuals, learning so much as they guide me and help me learn from, not only their mistakes, but teach me to learn from my own.

If you’re attending BlogHer in just a few weeks, drop me a line, let me know what you’re most looking forward to (be honest) and what your concerns are. I know a lot of people are worried that it’ll be like high school again. Cliques and popularity contests is not something I would want to experience again, but I also know that the bonds that have been created by women – either online or meeting in person in the past – are hard to break.

I hope to meet many new friends and have a chance to really listen to what everyone has to say. I do my best work that way.

Finding That Special Someone

My male companion (for lack of a better term) and I recently discussed whether or not we'd ever get married again. We didn't discuss marrying each other, but talked hypothetically, of course! While I flirt with the idea of having more kids and someday walking down the aisle - older and wiser - I have to admit that the idea is just as scary as it is exciting.

A while back, before my best friend from high school got married, I wrote a post about Susan Piver's book, The Hard Questions. It's a small book filled with great topics to get couples discussing issues that will come up throughout their relationship. Issues such as money, work, sex, family, and children are addressed as well as several others.

Photogurrl sent me an article recently which discusses A Dozen Ways to Get to Know Your Real Partner. Author Stacy D. Phillips mentions great signs to watch out for which are ones that I wish I had paid more attention to in my relationship with my ex-husband.

And just today, I discovered another amazing list through PT Law Mom's blog: 276 Questions to Ask Before You Marry.

Between these three resources, there is plenty to learn about yourself and your partner which makes for a fun and exciting activity that will bring you closer to the person you are with.

What these lists have helped me realize is that I have dozens - if not hundreds - of conversations yet to have with my current love interest. What's holding me back from bringing up these topics? Am I afraid to find out that we may not be the best match for each other or would it be scarier to discover that we are?

Love Stories

John Gray, PhD, is known for his series of books focusing on the differences between men and women and how to use this knowledge to strengthen relationships.

In Mars and Venus in Love, Gray shares the stories of couples he has worked with over the years and asks them to explain what types of problems they've had in their relationships and what works for them as far as communication and expressing love is concerned.

It's essentially a book of love stories - a collection of true-life tales that will show you something about your own love story that may have eluded you for a long time. A few insights, techniques, and changes in habits of mind and body nourish love and make it grow, and like little one-act plays these stories show you how. Mars and Venus in Love gives you the opportunity to see yourself in the stories of others and to recognize your own communication and behavior patterns in the circumstances they describe. It shows you, in many different ways,that:

• Problems in love are normal
• There's nothing wrong with you if you have difficulties in your relationships
• Almost everyone who tries to love has problems getting it right
• Even when people are deeply in love their relationships won't work if they don't recognize certain truths about men and women
• Men and women are different
• The key to falling and staying in love is to recognize and embrace those differences.

Offering you creative ideas for solving problems in your relationships and opening up new avenues for communication, Mars and Venus in Love is an invaluable resource and a perfect companion to Gray's previous books.

For ways to enhance the passion and romance in your life, check out Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.

Half-Full or Half-Empty

This year, with the economy being a major issue and people's wallets feeling lighter, I want to teach my son what it means to be conservative with our spending and how it doesn't have to negatively affect our lifestyle. I want him to know that fun can still be had without having to spend money and that we can create memories that will last longer than most of his toys.

My son's birthday falls between Christmas and New Year's which is always a challenging time to schedule a birthday party. This year, my ex-husband decided to plan a party and has put everything together on his own.

If it were up to me, I wouldn't have a birthday party this year. I'd pick some fabulous activity to do with my son - and my parents who are visiting - such as taking him to see the Walking with Dinosaurs experience that I know will keep him glued to the edge of his seat. Sure, we can still do both.

But, in order to get across to my son the impact of the financial stress that everyone is having to deal with - on some level - I was hoping to include on our invitations that no presents are necessary. I think having his friends' presence, instead, would be much more meaningful. After all, I know five months from now my son won't remember which toy he received from whom but he will remember who was there to celebrate his special day.

I expressed all of these ideas to my ex-husband. We typically get along great, sharing in our son's life as much as possible and communicating often so that we're aware of what's going on in school and at each other's homes.

This morning I touched a nerve when I requested that our son invite each of the children from his class. He's been having difficulty getting along with one boy, in particular, and he mentioned that he didn't want to invite him to the party.

Working with families and helping parents and educators deal with children who are going through a challenging period makes me more sensitive to those who have trouble communicating and expressing their emotions. I know that this is the type of child that my son wants to exclude from his party but I would hate to see that happen.

My ex-husband feels otherwise. He thinks it's perfectly acceptable to exclude this boy from the celebration. We argued about it and I tried to explain my position but ended up in tears. I was trying to defend myself while my son's father yelled and belittled me. He claims that I am choosing another child over my own and that if we invite this boy and he ruins our son's party that he will hold me personally accountable and will never forgive me. He even went so far as to say that he hopes our son never puts his trust in me. Ouch.


I hesitated to blog about this, at first, but after venting on Facebook and receiving some positive feedback, I want more. I want to know if perhaps I'm in the wrong here. Perhaps I should exclude this boy and "punish him" (my ex-husband's choice of words) for being a bully.

My argument was that he would be even more of a bully if he were to find out he was the only one not invited to the party when he's already feeling isolated by the children who verbally express their unwillingness to play with him or be his friend.

Let me also say that these kids are 4 and 5 years old. They're just now learning how to communicate, how to work together and how to get along. They're still figuring things out. I want to give this boy the benefit of the doubt. I want to give him another chance to make things right and include him, regardless of his actions and behavior from the past.

I was taught to treat others like we want to be treated, to turn the other cheek and to forgive and forget. I want to pass down these same lessons to my son but suddenly I'm feeling unsure, doubting my decisions and my parenting skills. As someone who works with parents, this is not a good thing to be experiencing.

What is your opinion of this situation? How would you feel if you were a parent of a child excluded from a birthday party? How would you explain to your own child why it's important to love, unconditionally? Is it too late to get the point across to an adult who typically sees the glass as half-empty?

Interview with Yoga Mama

Yesterday afternoon, I was interviewed by Yoga Mama for her podcast which is recorded live each Friday (12:30pm PST). Yoga Mama is also known as LaSara FireFox, MPNLP, a master practitioner and trainer of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), life coach, educator, and professional speaker.

LaSara helps her clients to find balance in their lives, and alignment with their personal and family-held values. She is also a mother of two, a successful author (Sexy Witch, nonfiction/self-help, Llewellyn Worldwide, 2005), and founder and CEO of the Ecstatic Presence Project and Global Family Awakening: an educational, peace and humanitarian family adventure club. She teaches and coaches internationally.

LaSara recently wrote an article entitled Seven Steps to Healthy Communication With Your Kids.

1. Honor your kid's questions with answers.
2. Own your feelings.
3. What isn't said speaks more loudly that what IS.
4. Own your boundaries.
5. Respect your child's boundaries.
6. Respectful, loving touch fosters connection. Stay embodied.
7. The model is the message.
   

Read more about these seven steps or download other articles on LaSara's website and join her every Friday for the Yoga Mama Satsangha weekly podcast.

Second First Date

After a successful and fun meet 'n greet, my new male friend picked me up last night for our first official date. Let me step back a few days though to share with you how the week went.

Our meet 'n greet was last Sunday and I had a really good time. I thought he had a good time as well. In fact, he had mentioned a "next time," so I assumed that we'd communicate afterward about seeing each other again. Three days went by without hearing from him and I was a bit concerned. I was confused. I was disappointed. It's not easy to get back into the dating scene, especially when it involves searching through numerous online profiles, trying to determine how to reach out to those who peak my curiosity.

On Wednesday afternoon, he finally called but, because I was at work, I wasn't able to take the call. He did leave a message and I found myself laughing out loud when I listened to it. He joked about how he had read a Guy's Rule Book on Dating and noted that it had officially been 72 hours since our first meeting so it was now the opportune time to follow up. Then he simply asked if he could take me to dinner on Saturday and left it at that.

I had to arrange for a babysitter in order to confirm that I could go out but that only took a few minutes of text messaging to schedule. One of my son's former teachers who lives in our neighborhood agreed to come by to hang out with him so I could go on this date. She's married with no children of her own (yet) and is someone my son feels completely comfortable with. What would I do without teachers like her?

Saturday arrives and it's amazingly hot out. I'm sweating already because I'm a little nervous and I'm not quite sure what to wear. I change my outfit a record number of times before finally deciding on a black top and jean skirt. Casual for a first date, I realize, but since I was overdressed for our meet 'n greet, I figured I could get away with it.

I had no idea where he would be taking me but this is what has always intrigued me about dates. Normally, I would be a bit concerned about getting inside someone's car without knowing where our final destination would be, but I eagerly climbed inside when he finally came to pick me up.

He was a few minutes late and didn't mention it when he pulled into the parking lot but since I'm notoriously late for just about everything, I really can't hold that against him.

Once again, he impressed me. We drove up the coast and went to a restaurant overlooking the ocean. It was a beautiful night so we sat outside, enjoyed a few glasses of wine with our meal and laughed, a lot.

We played the back and forth questions game and got to know each other a bit more. Not once was there an awkward moment in the conversation - that is until I asked about why he signed up with eharmony. There was a moment of silence before he revealed that he was looking for a partner; someone he could go home to at the end of the day and share his life with.

He asked the same question of me, and since it was only fair, I admitted that I wasn't quite sure what my goal was or is with eharmony. So far, I met a nice man who truly knows how to treat a woman and plans great date nights and I'm enjoying it. I'm not sure where this will lead or if I will meet more men to spend time with but I'm having fun, I'm making up for lost time and feeling good about myself and the man I'm getting to know. I don't really know if there's reason to think beyond that as far as the future is concerned. I've always been the type of person who lives in the moment, enjoys just being where I am and who I am with.

And I did enjoy where I was last night and who I was with. We went to a concert afterwards (I love live music) and he treated me the entire night, something I was not used to at all. We danced, laughed, touched each other innocently, but often, and when I cut the night short (I was expected home by midnight), I truly did regret having to end the date.

When he dropped me off at home, he got out of the car to walk me to the door. I embraced and thanked him for the fabulous night. I kissed him softly on the lips before saying goodnight and moments later, I fell asleep, smiling.

I thought about him as soon as I woke up, still smiling.

That was the first date that I've been on in a really, long time. In fact, he even asked me during dinner about the last date I had. Sadly, I couldn't even recall when that might have been, or with who. But what I do know is that I will remember last night's date for a long time to come and I look forward to our next.

More Dating Tips:
Dating Tips and Advice

About.com: Dating

Your Romance Guide

Relationship Advice

Dating Experiment

It wasn't until I read Cindy Lu's The Four Man Plan that I realized that dating is a science. She clearly demonstrates, with her own examples and examples of others' personal experiences, how the idea of dating changes drastically when you look at it as an experiment as opposed to a chore.

Many people, particularly in my situation (divorced, parent & thirty-something) have negative views of dating at this stage in our lives. Recently, thanks to Cindy and her brutal assessment of my dating past and how I need to change in order to have relationship success, I have signed myself up over at eHarmony. That's right. I am now involved in an on line dating site, which is much more involved than I had ever thought.

I heard of many people meeting through this particular site and marrying. I was always skeptical of dating sites and hesitated when I discovered the cost involved in putting my profile on line for all the eHarmony men to see.

Over the last few weeks, I've discovered more about myself and my wants and needs than ever before. The personality profile and the questions you are asked to answer told me a lot about how others perceive me and the positive and negative impressions that I may leave with others.

Through a series of question and answers sent back and forth in a program called Guided Communication, you are able to really delve deeper into a person's values, beliefs, lifestyle and personality.

While it's important to be attracted to someone's profile pictures, the next step and those beyond, really allow you to get to know someone pretty intimately before ever deciding if you want to pursue a relationship or even a first date.

I'm not trying to sell the site to anyone, in fact, I'd be pretty embarrassed if any one of my readers just so happened to come across my profile on the site, but I do plan on updating my progress here as I get to know some pretty amazing people, whether or not we end up dating in "real life."

Wish me luck!

10 Things Men Wish Women Would Know

I have been shopping around (so to speak) for relationship advice lately as many people I know have been coming to me (for who knows what reason) to ask me for my thoughts and insight on marriage and the future of love and intimacy as I know it.

Alright, so my suggestions usually fall along the lines of, "Here's What NOT To Do," based on my personal experience with a failed marriage and several failed relationships before and afterwards.

Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites have introduced me to may blog, including the lylah blog. Even though this post is from last year, there are relevant ideas here for any relationship (not just marriage). 

I need to preface this by saying that I am not a religious person. Even though I grew up Catholic and spent the majority of my education at Catholic schools, I don't pray or attend church (unless there's a wedding, baptism or funeral to attend) but I do consider myself a spiritual person.

The reason why I bring this up is that I want to tell you about my experience with the Bible. I read many stories from the Bible growing up and got many things from it. I believe that there are many great lessons to be learned within the pages, whether or not one believes in the stories from a faith point-of-view or, as in my experience, if you enjoy quotes and the power of language.

Let's face it. The Bible is well-written and well-edited. With my publishing background and love of literature, I look at the Bible much differently as an adult. There are passages and stories written by different people in this collection, and you would be hard-pressed to find one that is not a good storyteller.

I'm getting off track here. What I do want to say though, before I continue with the point of this post, is that I read the Bible as I would any other book. I read between the lines, I disregard some parts of it while re-read others.

The biblical quotes that are included in this list from the lylah blog are powerful and relevant to the message she's trying to communicate. I encourage you to create your own list (with your partner) to be sure to have a better understanding of his or her needs.

Finally, the list:

   10 Things Men Want Women to Take to Heart:

1. Don't Try to Change Me
2. Respect Me
3. Understand
4. Pray for Me
5. See Me as God Sees Me
6. Let Me Be Me
7. Let me OWN the Responsibility
8. Feed Me (I take this to mean both physically and spiritually)
9. Build Me Up
10. Express Your Discontent & Disappointment in Me Without Anger

I would be curious to know what men would want their wives to know and vice versa, that are not included in this list. I encourage you to add them in the comments below.

It Takes a (San Diego) Village

Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB) of San Diego is proud to present

The First Annual "IT TAKES A VILLAGE" Conference

A 1-day convention for parents, teachers, coaches, grandparents, caregivers,
and anyone who interacts with children.

September 20, 2008
9:00 am - 5:00 pm

University of San Diego
Kroc Institute for Peace and Justice
5998 Alcala Park
San Diego, CA 92110

Over a dozen parenting workshops will be held throughout this one-day event. Here are just a sample of courses offered:

• Consequences that Work
  
• Effective Parent-Child Communication
  
• Enjoying the Teen Years
  
• Flower Essence Therapy
  
• Power Struggles in the Classroom
  
• Handling Sibling Rivalry
  
• Kids and Money, Abundance and Scarcity
  
• Let’s Talk about Sex..the Birds and the Bees (Please help me prepare for this workshop by filling out this questionnaire!)
• New Tools and Techniques in Place of Praise
  
• Redirecting for a Cooperative Classroom
  
• Redirecting for the Single Parent
  
• Couple's Communication
  
• Strategies for Parents in High-conflict Divorce
  
• Welcome to the Wonderful World of Sports
  
• Balancing Love with Discipline (English & Spanish)
  
• No I Won’t & You Can’t Make Me! (English & Spanish)
  

Keynote Speaker, Max Simon will join over a dozen Certified Parent Educators* from the San Diego RCB team to inspire peace!

Max Simon, a new school leader of consciousness, has toured the country with Deepak Chopra M.D. and his father, Dr. David Simon, teaching meditation and yoga to thousands of people.

Also presenting will be Emcee, Jeff Detrow from Star 94.1 (the Jeff‐N‐Jer Radio Show) and Susie Walton, founder of Indigo Village and recipient of the San Diego Parent Educator of the Year award. Susie will be presenting a special message about Indigo Children.

Register before September 13th for your early-bird discount!

*Educators are certified through the International Network for Children and Families (INCAF).

You Can Use This

This week's edition of Parenting News You Can Use (published by INCAF) is now available! This week's articles include:

• Couples’ Communication
• Talk to the Animals
• Three Grin Salad
• Temperament in Infancy Indicates Later Behavior
• The Way We See It
• Marriage: Connecting Deeply
• Cholesterol Drugs and Children
• Family Meals Provide More than Just Food
• Nine Alternatives to Spanking

Don't forget to send me your questionnaire on sex. I'm seeking more responses so kindly forward this to anyone willing to help me prepare for my upcoming course on teaching sexual health and education to young people. Don't be shy. All responses will be kept confidential.

12 Tips to Being a Great Mom (or Dad)

by Vered of MomGrind

1. Stay true to yourself.
2. Don't be a martyr.
3. Don't try to be perfect.
4. Ditch the guilt.
5. Be patient.
6. Listen to your children.
7. Be their mom, not their friend.
8. Teach them simplicity.
9. Don't push them too hard.
10. Teach them self-esteem.
11. Teach them to be self-reliant.
12. Laugh and have fun!
    

Read more from Zen Habits.

Amber Alert

Every time I hear of an Amber Alert, I wonder what the story is behind the situation. I wonder how many of them involve the parent of the child who has gone missing. I wonder how many relationships are being torn apart - for whatever reason - and how many children are being pulled in different directions. I wonder how their stories will end.

As someone who went through a painful divorce, I can remember the plethora of emotions that I experienced as my marriage (and friendship with my husband) fell apart, as my son and I had to learn to adjust to home life without his father and as my son learned to adjust to his father's new house, without me. Our son was quite young at the time and now doesn't remember the three of us ever living under the same roof.

What he does know is that the three of us (him, me and his dad) are a family and that the two of us were thrilled to bring him into the world. He knows that although we don't all live in the same house, we're still a family. He knows that, for us, family includes my sister and her family, my parents, his paternal grandmother and his dad's sister. Oh, and his dad's best friend and my close friends and their families...


I could go on but the point I want to make is that every family is different, unique. My son knows children who are raised by their grandparents, or who have only one parent in their lives. We also know families that have adopted children, foster children, or those who have two dads and one mom, or one mom and one aunt who raise the child together. Families are a beautiful thing and I'm proud of my family, despite the fact that this is not the "family life" I envisioned having when I was a little girl.

I wonder how the children involved in the Amber Alert situations will define family as they get older. I wonder if they will know about the fact that they were reported missing at one time, what details will be explained to them, and what information will never (and should not ever) be revealed?

Will I share with my son the unpleasant memories from my past or things that I'm not proud of? Will I encourage him to ask me questions? Of course - because having him feel comfortable enough to say anything, tell me what's on his mind and ask me any question he thinks of is one of the major goals I have set for building our relationship and making it stronger as he grows up.

So far, so good.

Lessons to Learn from Same-Sex Couples

A study from San Diego State University suggests that committed same-sex couples are more satisfied with their partners than married heterosexual couples. The study surveyed same-sex couples who had civil unions in Vermont, same-sex couples not in civil unions and married heterosexual couples, over a three-year period. Results of the study showed that same-sex couples reported greater relationship quality, compatibility, intimacy and lower levels of conflict than married couples.

"If you think about same sex couples, you have two women or two men, who were raised in more similar ways. They're both from 'Mars,' both from 'Venus,' and so it's actually not surprising that when it comes to relationship satisfaction they do better," said Esther Rothblum, SDSU professor. "Because of this they may not have to negotiate the huge barriers that men and women do in terms of how they view conflict, provide emotional support or handle childrearing," said Rothblum.

According to the study, same-sex couples were indistinguishable from heterosexual married couples on many other relationship variables, including the number of children, sexual behavior and frequency of contact with their parents with or without their partners. This was the first study to follow same-sex couples in civil unions over time. It was published in the January issue of Developmental Psychology.

The Experienced Coach

Written by Brenda Power
Editor, Choice Literacy

My 15-year-old daughter started driver's education last month, which means driving with her over the past few weeks has been a special kind of hell for me. Dee hasn't had enough training to get her learner's permit, but she has acquired enough skills and knowledge to critique my driving...oh, pretty much every time I make a turn or pull up to a stoplight. Which would be every two to three minutes. Without fail.

The experience has made me think a lot about the role of any coach...What I've realized all over again is:

• No one likes to be coached by someone who doesn't have skills or experience with the activity being coached. Everything always looks easier from the outside.
• We can all benefit from the outside perspective of someone watching our moves closely. I am a much better driver this month than I was last month, just because some of my sloppiest habits have been pointed out to me. Repeatedly.
• We work hardest at the things we care most about. When Dee finally got her permit a week ago, I was amazed at how careful and smart she is in her driving. She eagerly asks for feedback after every drive, asks questions throughout the process, and is open to the honest analysis of her skills.

Most of all, I was reminded that those of us who coach others really need the experience periodically of learning something new, preferably something that is a true challenge. What are you planning to learn this summer? Who will be your coach?

Brenda's story about her daughter reminds me of the challenges I face when working with families. Nothing is more important to me than my family and I know the same holds true for those who enroll in my courses. I try very hard to express my opinions and points of view without being judgmental. I show my concern for parents' challenges and try to focus on what they want to achieve, what goals they plan to reach.

Being a Certified Parent Educator and teaching the courses and workshops on communication, discipline and redirecting children's behavior forces me to be more aware of the actions I take and the words I choose. I make mistakes - everyone does - and I use the lessons I learn from them to share with the parents I work with. After all, learning from my mistakes might help others to see how they can avoid making the same ones with their families.

Like Brenda, I know that the families I work with are dedicated to their children and the relationships in their lives and it only makes them stronger to ask for help when they need that extra support.

It takes a community to raise a child and I'm pleased to see the Happy Healthy Hip Parenting community growing and spreading peace between family members, friends and neighbors.

Personality Lab

Want to learn more about yourself or your child? Take the personality questionnaires from Personality Lab:

Understand Your Child

Parents, complete this child personality test to better understand your son or daughter. The questionnaire can be used to describe a young child, teen, or adult.

Understand Yourself

Complete this questionnaire to learn about your own personality. The feedback provided by this test is applicable to people of all ages.

Deal With It

How do you handle unexpected problems that pop up in life? What about successes? Take this test to learn about your coping styles.

The Close Relationship Quiz

Are you always worried about your relationships, or do they rarely cross your mind? Do you hold others close to you, or do you push them away? Complete this personality quiz and learn more about your relationship style.

Are You a Decider?

Who’s the decider in your house? What about at work, or in the community? Do you make the decisions, or is someone else really in charge? The results may surprise you. Find out if you – or your spouse – has a “decider” personality by taking this quiz!

My Life Goals

Fame? Fortune? Love? What are the life goals that are most important to you? Find out by completing this survey.

Find Your Hogwarts House

Harry Potter fans, have you ever wondered where the sorting hat would place you? Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin: Complete this personality test and find out! Based on the Understand Yourself test.

The Sims Personality Test

What's your virtual personality: Neat freak? Couch potato? Socialite? Take this test and get scored on each of the five personality dimensions used in The Sims and The Sims 2.

Can't get enough quizzes? Visit Your Personality for more.

Why Every Parent Needs to be Educated

My job as a parent is to ___________ my child.

Go ahead. FILL IN THE BLANK. The only rule is that you are only allowed one, and only one, choice. What one word would you use to complete the sentence above? Already, in my head, I've been struggling with choosing from over a dozen possibilities.

"Every single day of parenthood forces us to juggle the practical along with the ineffable, to strive for connectedness along with autonomy, to quarrel and question and, in the end, to let go." - Anne Pleshette Murphy (Blindsided by a Diaper)

My job as a parent is the most demanding, challenging, frustrating, exciting, rewarding and powerful role I could every take on. If anyone told me (I think they did but perhaps I wasn't listening) exactly what parenthood would be like, I wouldn't believe them. I wouldn't understand because you can never truly comprehend what being a parent really means until you're there; looking at your little child who is not taking NO for an answer.

I've been working for the same company now for seven years and, although I had many other jobs prior to this one, I don't recall any job that I had that did not require some sort of training. Why should parenting be any different?

People joke about how easy it is to make a baby. There's no application to fill out, no fees involved in the actual creation of a child (unless you calculate the bar tab at the end of the night). But seriously, why is it that new parents are expected to sit through birthing classes and learn how to change diapers and perform CPR on infant sized dolls yet there are no requirements on having to take parenting classes? After all, the infant stage is over before you know it, but parenting is FOREVER.

"A baby, it turns out, is more permanent than a tattoo."
- Michael Finkel (Welcome to the Babyhouse)

When I became a new mom, I struggled with trying to be the best mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, and role model I could possibly be. I was convinced that I could do everything myself, even without my husband's help.

I feel sorry for those "...men...determined to be better fathers than their own dads but who felt criticized by their wives every time they even tried."
- Amy Sohn (Confessions of a Sugar Mommy)

Now that I realize that many families face the same challenges and issues behind closed doors, it's much easier for me to forgive myself. And I find myself warning every parent I know so that, hopefully, they won't make the same mistakes I did.

"The Who Has the Harder Job? Show had begun - and it ran for more seasons
than I care to count. Inevitably, we both ended up losers."
- Susan Maushart (Where the Bruises Are)

And I lost big time. I lost my husband, the family that I created and my sense of identity had to be completely redefined.

"...babies begin to smile at exactly this point - six to eight weeks in -
as a matter of survival...this is also the time parents stop smiling at each other."
- Nicholas Weinstock (Being a Baby)

I was introduced to the Redirecting Children's Behavior class by, none other than, my ex-husband. Our son was going through a terrible stage (as we all were) and all three of us were frustrated, exhausted and emotionally bankrupt.

"...he loved [our son] with an over-the-top abandon that he never showed me."
- Elizabeth Larsen (To Jealousy and Beyond)

My ex-husband and I each took the five-week course - separately - and slowly implemented the skills and tools we learned in each of our homes. I noticed a change instantly. Not only was I feeling less stressed, but our daily routines were going much smoother, we were laughing more (and crying less) and there was an overall sense of hope that embraced my son and I as we worked on improving our relationship by simply adjusting the way we communicated with one another.

"...just as children fundamentally alter the nature of marriage...
children affect the end of marriage even more profoundly."
- David Elliot Cohen (Life Sentence)

I don't know where we'd be today if it weren't for the RCB program and the information, support and encouragement I received from the class. I'm an instructor now myself, and if there's one piece of advice I could give to parents, whether they're expecting their first baby or already have children, it would be this: educate yourselves, share your stories, support one another, Make Time for Yourself and laugh often. You won't regret it.

"...if couples can find ways to talk openly -
with each other and with other couples - about the changes they're encountering,
they'll be better equipped to navigate the challenges."
- Dana Bedford Hilmer (editor, Blindsided by a Diaper)

To learn more about parent education and the types of classes and workshops offered, please visit the Happy Healthy Hip Parenting website.

*Each author quoted in the above post has an essay published in the recent book, Blindsided by a Diaper: Over 30 Men and Women Reveal How Parenthood Changes a Relationship)

Birth Order Compatilibity

Ready for relationship advice you can really use? To get your instant birth order analysis and find out the most compatible guy for you, just select the option that best describes your sibling situation. They'll take care of the rest!

Birth Order Compatibility

I'm the youngest and have one older sister which means my results claim:

Feminine is your middle name. You can flirt along with the best of them, and no one has a better imagination, especially when it comes to romance. In fact, sometimes you surprise yourself with the amazing, offbeat, creative ideas that pop into your head. If you could put even a fraction of your brainstorms into practice, you’d quickly become a millionaire. And speaking of money, it’s more important to you than to other women. Not only should you be sure to find a career that will satisfy you, but you should pair up with a guy who will help you achieve your dreams. Together you’ll take big risks and aim for the stars—the financial stars, that is. Your best match is an older brother of sisters, although he may feel you’re not as feisty as the younger sisters he grew up with. An older brother of brothers could also be a good match, even though he might not understand your feminine side as much as you’d like. A younger brother of sisters could keep you amused and entertained, but he might annoy you at times with his lack of attention.

If you've already found someone to spend the rest of your life with - this article discusses the importance of keeping your relationship emotionally healthy in order to keep the individuals involved physically healthy - a must-read.

Pop Quiz

With Valentine's Day just around the corner - an annual celebration that people either love or love to hate - I thought I'd share some fun on line quizzes that I've come across. I haven't taken these myself (or if I have, I'm not talking) but if you're looking for a way to entertain yourself come February 14th take one or two of these and see if She (or He's) the One or determine if you are indeed a Sex Goddess!

And if you're looking for a unique site to shop for you loved ones (or yourself) visit Refinery 29 Shops featuring couture-type clothing at prices even you can afford.

Jam Session

Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle (two of my favorite actors) team up in the 2007 drama, Reign Over Me. The movie is quite intense and focuses on Charlie Fineman, played by Sandler, who lost his wife and daughters in the 9/11 disaster.

The college roommates Fineman and Alan Johnson (Cheadle) reunite after several years, and after Johnson, a popular (with the ladies) dentist, learns of his friend's loss and tries to reach out to him.

The best part of the film is witnessing the chemistry between the two as it pulls Fineman back to reality and draws Johnson out of his shell.


In one scene, the two main characters jam together and look as though they have a good time with one another, both in front of and behind the cameras. I discovered a true jam session between the two with hilarious lyrics as sung by Charlie and Alan.

I highly recommend this film to those interested in human nature or who simply enjoy a touching, tear-jerker. This one serves as a gentle reminder to live each day as though it were our last.

A Little Meme

I discovered a mention of the Kane/Miller Japanese title, Breasts, this morning on the Paradise Found blog and browsed the site since it's new to me. I also found this little meme posted there yesterday and thought it'd be fun to continue it here.

From Japan
Breasts
by Genichiro Yagyu

All memes, no matter what the subject, remind me of Trudy White's Could You? Would You? I'm always up for promoting anything to get young people talking and getting to know each other - or themselves - better. I consider myself young (at heart) so I'll begin...

From Australia
Could You? Would You?
by Trudy White

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?

My best friend from college.

2. What were you doing at 8:00am?

Still trying to wake up.

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?

Responding to over a dozen emails.

4. What happened to you in 2006?

My husband filed for divorced (can't recall much else from that year...)

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?

Thank you.

6. How many beverages did you have today?

Still working on my first.

7. What color is your hairbrush?

I don’t use a hairbrush, but my comb is blue.

8. What was the last thing you paid for?

Coffee

9. Where were you last night?

At the office until 10pm

10. What color is your front door?

Dark brown

11. Where do you keep your change?

In a jar on the kitchen table that reads: Family Fun Night

12. What’s the weather like today?

Overcast, foggy.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?

14. What excites you?

Spending a day with family

15. Do you want to cut your hair?

No, it's short enough as it is.

16. Are you over the age of 25?

Yes, thank god.

17. Do you talk a lot?

Yes, too much.

18. Do you watch the O.C.?

No. And I'm appalled that other people do.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?

Yes, but only through a friend of a friend.

20. Do you make up your own words?

Of course.

21. Are you a jealous person?

Yes, sometimes.

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’

Andrea, Alison, Amber... (Hi, ladies!)

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’

Kira

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?

My son's father

25. What does the last text message you received say

"Yeah, right. Maybe if I win the lotto."

26. Do you chew on your straw?

No.

27. Do you have curly hair?

No.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?

Palm Springs

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?

Can't think of anyone

30. What was the last thing you ate?

a muffin

31. Will you get married in the future?

My first marriage just ended, and no, I don't think I will have a second go.

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?

A Night at the Museum (this is actually the only movie I've seen in the past 2 weeks)

33. Is there anyone you like right now?

Sure, lots of people!

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?

A few days ago

35. Are you currently depressed?

No, should I be?

36. Did you cry today?

Not yet!

37. Why did you answer and post this?

I've been having bad luck this week and thought perhaps answering random questions about myself would cheer me up. It has.