Missing Out

My son's first tooth fell out last Friday at school. His dad picked him up for the weekend and even though they told me right away my heart sank from not being able to be there and hug him and see his face when he got to share the news. He did call me and I heard the excitement in his voice so it did sort of make up for the fact that I wasn't there to also see his face the next morning when he discovered the quarter under his pillow that the Tooth Fairy left in exchange for his tooth.

Imagine my surprise when this week, his second tooth fell out at school once again. And again on a day that he would be spending the night at his dad's.

They say that going through a divorce is much like dealing with death. There's a grieving process involved and even though time heals and you are able to start seeing the positive aspects of life from your new point of view, there are still times when those raw feelings come up and bring you down.

Parents who raise their children in two homes go through this process over and over again, from having to deal with the times when they're not there for their child (nightmares, milestones, first experiences), it's an emotion that is hard to talk about, difficult to express and at times feels selfish to even acknowledge. After all, is my son missing out on anything or is it just me who's feeling left out?

His father and I share moments like this with one another because we know how important it is for all of us. We have our son call the other parent to share his excitement when things occur that we'd want to be a part of ourselves were the roles reversed, but at what point does it stop hurting? At what point do I start being excited for my son and not feel sorry about not being there? Please tell me it gets easier...

Breaking the Law

This weekend, my grandparents will be celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, along with my grandma's 80th birthday. Her and my grandpa have seven children, most of whom now have grandchildren of their own. They have a total of thirteen grandkids and twelve great-grandkids so far.

My son and I will be the only ones out of the above referenced individuals who will not be there for the event. My heart is breaking right now just thinking about it but, since my ex-husband will not grant permission for me to leave the state with our son, we'll be here instead.

Up until yesterday, I was planning on getting on that plane with my son tonight, even though it would be considered a federal offense and no doubt my ex would have an Amber Alert issued for the 'kidnapping' of our child. Several of my friends had to talk me through how that would not be a good idea and how, more than likely, it would be used against me in the future where any custody arrangements or schedule is concerned.

My ex-husband doesn't have a large family. It's his mom, his sister, and him and I can't help but feel sorry for him when family events come up for me because he reacts the same way each time. I have to work hard to convince him to let us go and even harder to ignore him when he tells me how selfish I am and only thinking of myself when I ask his permission.

Our son has a family that loves him, that wants to spend time with him, and whom I want him to create memories with but it's very difficult being so far away and at times, I often wonder if things will ever change. Will the courts ever grant me permission to move back? Will I ever have the courage to request such a move again?

These are not easy decisions to make, but today I am wondering what's left for me here. I can write from anywhere and being closer to my friends and family would greatly benefit me - emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I blossom (as does my son) when we're there...

When mama is happy, everyone is happy.

Book Review: Handle with Care

I bought Handle with Care several months ago, but for some reason, I got distracted (with other books) and didn't pick it up again until I got on the airplane last week. I brought it with me to my sister's house, thinking I might actually have time to read between hanging out with her and my parents and the three boys (my son and 2 nephews).

I finally was able to start reading it again in the jacuzzi bathtub that my parents finally invited me to use for the first time. They've lived in their place now for over four years and it took my son having a jacuzzi bath for them to offer me the same opportunity, but I digress.

The bulk of the book was read on the plane ride back home. My son is an amazing traveler, closing his eyes just after take off and opening them again two hours later, with enough time for me to complete the last half of this emotionally charged book by Jodi Picoult.



There's many controversial stories inside Picoult's novels, with heart-wrenching stories and endearing characters who are given their own voice in her books.

The many characters in this novel deal with disabilities, divorce, eating disorders, abortion and adoption. Jodi does a fabulous job, once again, covering the many sides to each story, giving every one of the characters a unique voice whom I believe all readers will be able to relate to on some level. She carries out this thought-provoking and heartbreaking story with an ending like no other. Actually, the ending wasn't really surprising to me, since it mimics the ending of another story of Picoult's. I won't say which one, but fans will have to let me know if you agree or disagree if or when you read this one.

Discussion questions for book clubs can be found on the official Jodi Picoult website, along with information, reviews and interviews.

My Sister's Keeper is out in theaters this week. I highly encourage you to read the book if you haven't already. It's one of my favorites.

You know it's bad when you start dipping into your kid's piggy bank

So, I've been on "funemployed" since the beginning of the year and guess what? The fun is starting to run out. That's right. My last unemployment check arrives next month and I'm starting to bite my nails and desperately search the couch for loose change.

Luckily, my ex-husband is digging into his pockets to help us out, starting next month, after all, he's partly responsible for putting us into this financial sinkhole since our divorce nearly bankrupted me. Needless to say, I did make some not-so-smart choices when it came to money so I can't really put the blame on anyone else.

My son and I have been making some big changes this year in the way we spend our time (with less money) so this experience has been a major lesson for the both of us about finances and how our lives can be full and rich without the big balance in our checking account.

Now, if only I can get him to start selling lemonade or something else equally adorable. I read an article last week about a mom and daughter who bought a van and converted it into an ice cream truck. Now that sounds like an awesome part-time job...

A New Chapter

1. Where did you begin 2008?
I honestly don't remember. Home with my son?

2. What was your status by Valentine's Day?
In a relationship with a long-distance love.

3. Were you in school (anytime this year)?
I teach...does that count?

4. Did you have to go to the hospital?
I had to take a co-worker on an out-of-state business trip (what an story that was)!

5. Did you have any encounters with the police?
Yep. I was pulled over for speeding on my way to work one morning.

6. Where did you go on vacation?

I went snowboarding with my man at Keystone in early 2008, met him in Vegas for a weekend rendezvous. (Gosh, when was that?)

7. What did you purchase that was over $500?
Many items that added up (or exceeded) that amount but not any one thing.

8. Did you know anybody who got married?
Yep! I attended two weddings this year and another dear friend just got married in Mexico!

9. Did you know anybody who passed away?
Yes. My grandma died just before Christmas.

10. Did you move anywhere?
Nope.

11. What sporting events did you attend?
None.

12. What concerts/shows did you go to?

I had a date who took me to hear live music and I also took my son to see The Grinch at the Old Globe Theatre.

13. Where do you live now?
San Diego

14. What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2008?
Have to start looking for another job.

15. What has/have been your favorite moment(s)?
Laughing with my son, attending my friend's weddings, working with amazing families and spending time with loved ones.

16. What's something you learned about yourself?

I'm stronger than I knew, happier than I thought I could be, and I'm a damn good mom.

17. Any new additions to your family?
Yes, my nephew was born in late June.

18. What was your best month?

The last two months since I didn't have to travel or be away from my son for an extended period of time.

19. What music will you remember 2008 by?
That silly Madagascar song that my son sings while shaking his booty.

20. Made new friends?

Yes, there are a lot of great parents and people that work at my son's school that I'm glad to know, along with many great online contacts I've made - all of whom continue to inspire me and help me grow.

21. Favorite Night[s] out?

I dressed up for Halloween for the first time in my adult life. That was fun and I hope to do it again!

22. Any regrets?
No.

23. What do you want to change in 2009?
To take my son on a real vacation and get my butt back in shape!

24. Overall, how would you rate this year on a scale of 1-10?
I'd have to say 9...2009 will be a definite 10!

25. What would you change about 2008?
Not a thing.

26. Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
On an airplane, hotel room, or in my car!

26. Have any life changes in 2008?
Nothing drastic in my life, although the Presidential campaign rocked my world and moved me in ways that I never expected.

27. Change your hairstyle?
No, but I'm thinking I need to!

28. Get a new job?
No, but am starting to look.

29. Do you have a New Year's resolution?
To get in shape and take my son on a real vacation.

30. Did anything embarrassing?
No...it takes a lot for me to get embarrassed.

31. Buy anything new from eBay?
No, I don't shop on eBay.

32. What was/were your favorite purchase?
My new jeans.

33. Get married or divorced?
No.

34. Get arrested?
Riiiight.

35. Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
Never seen it!

36. Did you get sick this year?
I had a 24-hour flu but nothing major (knocking on wood).

37. Start a new hobby?
No, but I'm training for a new certification.

38. Been snowboarding?
Earlier in the year, not since this last snowfall.

39. Are you happy to see 2008 go?
No.

40. Drank Starbucks in 2008?
Who didn't?

I hope everyone has a Happy Healthy Hip New Year!

Divorce Calculator

If you want to know how likely it may be that you will go through a divorce in the next five years, head on over to Divorce 360 to check out their new divorce calculator.

According to a recent study, "couples marrying today are less likely to divorce compared to their parents' generation." Does that mean that the well-known and often-quoted statistic of 50% of all marriages end in divorce is no longer true?

Betsey Stevenson - assistant professor of business and public policy at University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School - seems to think so.

Check out these other great articles on marriage and divorce:

10 Signs of a Good Relationship
8 Common Relationship Mistakes
You Know You're Getting a Divorce If...
Tips to Prepare for a Divorce

Saving Your Relationship After Losing Your Job

According to many different studies, the top ten most stressful life events are:

• Death of spouse
• Divorce
• Marital separation
• Jail term or death of close family member
• Personal injury or illness
• Marriage
• Loss of job due to termination
• Marital reconciliation or retirement
• Pregnancy
• Change in financial state

Losing one's job changes your financial state and - often times - causes a person to go into a different state, emotionally. How do couples, especially those with children, handle this life-changing event?

Dr. Nancy Mramor offers ten tips to those going through this devastating time in one's life:

1. Focus on priorities, budgeting and resolving financial issues. "If there's something deeper to begin with, then couples can get back to that. But if the marriage was too based on social status and money, then once it's pulled out, there's nothing there."

2. Get outside supports. "Get as many people on your team looking for a job as possible."

3. Try to find agreement about what should be done and establish a timeline.

4. Consult experts and find out the best ways to manage your existing resources. "Don't be proud. Get advice. This is a time to consult people who you trust and who can guide you through this."

5. Strengthen the family by spending time together at home and include friends. "It's fine for kids to know that for a while, the family isn't going to be spending as much money. Kids should really understand what their parents' resources are."

6. Keep up communication with your spouse. "Really listen to the other person before you fire back, then respond in a way that's loving and respectful. You can have a loving, healthy debate with your partner as long as things are said with respect and love." Career transitions coach Stein agrees: "Keep talking to each other. It's not wrong to feel things, but it's essential to really listen to one another."

7. Reassess your wealth. "People have lots of things they don't need. Sell the things that are valuable. Get rid of everything in your life that doesn't have a strong value for the family and you as a couple. Only hold on to what's sentimentally important."

8. Understand the impact of stress on your body. "Maybe you can't keep your gym membership but you can take a walk. Express physical affection as a source of comfort. Deep breathing is one of the most powerful ways to restore your health."

9. Adopt an "attitude of gratitude" and live in the present moment. "Gratitude is one of the most powerful forces in people's lives and allows you to see everything that's good and possible. Give thanks for 10 things each day."

10. Focus on what you have, rather than what you don't have.

I know several people who have lost their jobs, reduced their hours or have had their income reduced in some way. Knowing that there are others in the same predicament may also help people deal with this hard time during this time of year.

Typical Reactions to Job Loss
Coping with Job Loss
Unemployment & Job Loss Support

If you're concerned about child support and how your monthly payments may change due to a job loss, contact a family law attorney in your state.

Just Say NO....on Prop 8

Campaign ads in California regarding Prop 8 reveal two startling different ideas. When people are confronted with two opposing viewpoints, how are they able to make an informed decision?

About a month ago, an ad paid for by those in support of Proposition 8 started airing on TV which used the images of several young children without their parents' permission. Jen Press whose daughter, Lucy, is prominently featured in the political ad had this to say:

To turn around and distort images of our children is outrageous. We’re opposed to Prop 8, but irrespective of our position, it’s wrong to use any image of children without their parents’ permission. And we think every parent in California would agree with us.

I'd go a step further and say that every parent in the United States would agree, and probably those from all over the world. Any organization who would use children to manipulate voters and distort information should not be supported by parents, or anyone who cares about children, regardless of the religious or political beliefs one holds.

Proposition 8 is not about children and what exactly does it have to do with protecting marriage? Currently, marriage is "in jeopardy" with the rising divorce rates that do affect children.

One woman, a 82-year-old political blogger and grandmother, Helen, could not have explained this money-wasting proposition any better:

I really don’t know why gay people want to get married. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Just ask Harold. But I guess if one consenting adult wants to declare their love for another, why would anyone have an issue? I do know one gay couple. Margaret’s nephew and his friend have been together for several years. They are a lovely couple and make me laugh and feel special every time I see them. A couple of years ago Texas passed one of these constitutional amendments. The place where Harold and I go to vote is actually an elementary school in the neighborhood. On that particular election day I was appalled to see all the signs that said “Marriage Should Be Between a Man and Woman Only”. As Harold drove us into the parking lot to vote, I looked out the window at those signs and realized that many parents had driven their kids to school that morning driving past those very signs. I wonder if any of them had the same reaction I did - those signs reminded me of the little signs we used to have back in the day that said “Whites Only”. Think about it.

I don't have to think about. Already I know that eliminating fundamental rights to anyone goes against the beliefs that this country was founded upon.

Nothing is more powerful than two people promising their loyalty and devotion to one another, no matter what gender they may be. Teaching children that love and commitment between same sex couples is not the same (or as important) as it is between those of the opposite sex is sending a message that is unfair and wrong. It is discrimination that we should not tolerate.

Parents Without Partners

Once again, my mom provided me with a great resource for single parents.

Parents Without Partners was founded in 1957 by two single parents.

Parents Without Partners provides single parents and their children with an opportunity for enhancing personal growth, self-confidence and sensitivity towards others by offering an environment for support, friendship and the exchange of parenting techniques. For the minor children of single parents, it offers them the opportunity to meet peers living within the same family structure and thriving.

Parents Without Partners, Inc. is now the largest international, nonprofit membership organization devoted to the welfare and interests of single parents and their children. Single parents may join one of the many chapter around the US and Canada; they may be male or female, custodial or non-custodial, separated, divorced, widowed or never married. Search for a chapter in your area.

They also introduced me to many online resources for single parents:

• About.com's Single Parents Guide
• ADD/ADHD Help: US
• ADD/ADHD Help: Canada
  
• Amazing Love Doctors
  
• ConnectForKids.org
• DictionaryForDads.org
• DivorceInfo.com
• DivorceMagazine.com
• DivorceSupport.com
• Gingerbread, Single Parent Support Agency in England and Wales.
• Kids Dads Moms
• Millennium Divorce
• NCSingleParent.com
• Ottawa Divorce.com
• Reading is Fundamental
• Safer Child, Inc.
• The Single Father's Lighthouse
• Single Parent Travel
• Single Parents' World
• Single Rose - Resource for Single Mothers
• Solo Woman Magazine
  
• Stepducks

Check out the articles for single parents as well, with subjects like relationships, emotions, travel, dealing with divorce, and blended families.

Bonus Families

My son keeps asking me when I'm going to have another baby. He wants a sibling and he's not alone. I have baby cravings all the time, especially after spending time with my sister's new baby - or looking at the pictures of him that are on my fridge or kitchen table. Basically, several times a day!

Bonus Families is a website and a wonderful term for the step-families of my generation. I'd like to inherit a bonus family someday, but I'm not in any hurry. I'm still enjoying the time I have with my son and getting to know myself as a single mom and individual who is trying to get some goals reached before inviting another adult (and child) into our world.

I spent some time getting to know someone recently whom I met through eHarmony. We decided, after learning more about each other, that we are not looking for the same things right now. He is looking for a serious, long-term relationship, whereas, I am searching for someone who I can finally be myself with. I think I've found him and even though there is quite some distance between us, and baggage from our past relationships, I have faith that with time, things will become less stressful and we can begin to share more of each other more often.

When my husband and I first separated and he moved out, there was a long span of time before our divorce was finalized. Nearly two entire years went by before the court declared us no longer married to one another. Clearly, our marriage was over long before my ex-husband ever filed for divorce.

Saying that I'm involved with a married man would not be accurate. Telling people that the man I'm dating is currently separated would be more precise. His marriage has ended and despite the fact that they tried to make things work for their children's benefit, they have finally made peace with the fact that there is nothing left to hold onto.

In my adult life, I have met many people from different backgrounds with diverse pasts that they've overcome. Along the way, I have made both good and bad decisions, as we all have, but I have faith that the path before me will lead to happiness and true love.

Where will your path lead? You can think positively and hope for a happy ending, or you can make the choice to let the negative thoughts take over. I choose to believe that good things come to those who wait and I have been patient and cautious and continue to take one day at a time.

Divorce & Financial Decisions

Sunday's Business section of the San Diego Union-Tribune brought up a different point-of-view when dealing with a divorce. Financial separation is oftentimes more damaging than the emotional break-up for couples and author Linda Leitz shares her perspective in her new book, We Need to Talk: Money & Kids After Divorce.

She writes about financial responsibility and teaching children of divorce how to manage money but of course, leading by example, is the best way to educate. Leitz claims that the five stages of grief can apply to money matters as well as emotional ones:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Of course, as with every relationship where one goes through a grieving period, when one stage isn't resolved in a healthy manner, it makes it difficult, if not impossible, for that same individual to reach the final stage of acceptance.

There are specialists who help couples separate financially so that everyone is taken care of, especially the children of those involved. If you can work together to focus on the financial security of your loved ones, here's some suggestions for ways in which to help ease the task of splitting your net worth:

• Get information.
• Get tax and financial advice.
• Dump the house.
• Talk about college.
• Consider kick-out clauses.
• Mediate.

Many people stay together for the sake of the children, but even more couples stay together because they can't afford two mortgages or additional bills. Don't dismiss your financial health whether you're in a relationship or not. Your kids will thank you for it when they grow up to be responsible with their money after learning by example.

Custody Battles

I love reading about custody schedules that work for everyone involved. I adore families who get along for the sake of their children and appreciate stories of divorced couples who remain friends.

Let's face it, though, this is not always the case and for every story that includes a happy ending, there are those that are sadly dysfunctional and even harmful.

My situation is no exception. When my husband filed for a divorce in 2006, I was mad. I was angry, hurt, confused, depressed, guilty, and pretty much in denial until he moved out two months later. It was a long two months. I don't think I slept at all during that time, nor did I have a pleasant word to say to or about him.

Needless to say, I've learned to put my feelings aside to focus on the needs of our son. It certainly hasn't been easy and we battled it out in court for quite some time since I tried to seek the court's approval to move - with my son - back to Minnesota where my family lives, and where I grew up.

I wanted to raise my son near family; my sister's family and my parents ,in particular. The fact that my ex-husband's family lives on the East Coast played a major role in my decision as well since I argued that we'd be closer to them once we moved. I had fully anticipated that the court would grant this request and that my husband would eventually get over his feelings so we could focus on the needs of our son.

I was not expecting the court to deny my request but they - at that time - felt that my son was too young to be "taken away" from his father. Those were the words my ex used to describe what I was trying to do. He felt that I was trying to deny his right to be in our son's life and was upset with me for trying to take our son away from him.

Last week, I was in Minnesota, without my son. It was hard for me - extremely difficult - to think about what life would be like if my son and I lived there. He would be able to grow up with his cousins (dozens of them) and run around outside and, most likely, I would be able to buy a house with a yard and provide him with a childhood filled with happy memories like I have from growing up there.

The judge did mention that I could come back to court when our son was older to make this request again - to move to Minnesota - away from his father. I think about this every day and have even questioned whether or not I could move to Minnesota on my own and leave my son behind. I come to the same conclusion every time.

You can imagine how difficult it would be for me to live somewhere without my son. What he is "missing out on" is only in my mind since he knows nothing other than California as home and his mom and dad as family.

As he gets older, I have a feeling he will want to be with his father more often which is understandable. I am much closer to my mom and have been since I was young - another reason why it's so hard to live thousands of miles away.

My sister and I spent last week together with her two young boys. I miss them all. My friends and family mean the world to me and it's a difficult decision I've made to live here until my son is old enough to understand my desire to be closer to the rest of my family. That doesn't make it any easier but it does provide me with more reason to share with my loved ones just how much they mean to me, no matter where I call home.

When a Marriage Fails

David, over at Dad's House, inspired this post since his statements - and the comments that followed - really struck a chord with me.

Calling a marriage a failure is damaging to our society. Imagine what it is like to be a child of divorced parents and hearing that statement (a failed marriage) throughout one's life. No wonder they are more likely to experience divorce themselves.

Before I go into my own experience and thoughts on this, let me begin by explaining that my parents are married and have been together for over 35 years. They've had their difficult years and there was a time in my life where I actually wanted them to get a divorce. I felt (because I was 16 and knew so much about the world) that my mom should leave my dad and life would be peachy keen for everyone (a.k.a. me).

Obviously, I thank my lucky stars that they are still together since I see them now and realize how much I have learned from them and their relationship. No one walks into marriage without baggage and no one walks away from one without regret.

I love, love love, what David had to say about marriage and divorce:

Two people come together, fall in love, make each other complete. They try to get along and lead a happy life, but over time something changes and they can’t. They split and move on.

Is that failure? If they grew from the experience, it’s evolution. If being married forced that change, then maybe the marriage served its purpose and it’s a success.

Yep, I think growth and change is definitely an evolution and our society is not one to embrace such change, unfortunately. Change and growth are scary things to many people and it's that fear that leads to talking about marriage as either a success or failure that is damaging.

If we succeed at something, doesn't that typically mean we no longer have goals we are trying to reach? We've exceeded our expectations and we no longer have to put forth any effort? Um, no.

If one chooses to remain single (and never marries) does that mean they have failed as well? NO! Marriage should not be seen as something that we need to win or lose at (success vs. fail) but rather, an experience and a relationship that changes us (hopefully, for the better). There are certainly many experiences and relationships in one's lifetime that also produce change and we would never label them as a failure or a success. Why do we put so much pressure on marriage?

My marriage ended over two years ago. My son was a result of that relationship and I would - if only because of him - have to say that our marriage was a success. I have no regrets (although I had plenty of guilt) and I have no doubt in my mind that my son will grow up to have a healthy self-esteem, parents that love him unconditionally, and an equal and fair chance at finding that one person to spend the rest of his life with as the rest of us.

It Takes a (San Diego) Village

Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB) of San Diego is proud to present

The First Annual "IT TAKES A VILLAGE" Conference

A 1-day convention for parents, teachers, coaches, grandparents, caregivers,
and anyone who interacts with children.

September 20, 2008
9:00 am - 5:00 pm

University of San Diego
Kroc Institute for Peace and Justice
5998 Alcala Park
San Diego, CA 92110

Over a dozen parenting workshops will be held throughout this one-day event. Here are just a sample of courses offered:

• Consequences that Work
  
• Effective Parent-Child Communication
  
• Enjoying the Teen Years
  
• Flower Essence Therapy
  
• Power Struggles in the Classroom
  
• Handling Sibling Rivalry
  
• Kids and Money, Abundance and Scarcity
  
• Let’s Talk about Sex..the Birds and the Bees (Please help me prepare for this workshop by filling out this questionnaire!)
• New Tools and Techniques in Place of Praise
  
• Redirecting for a Cooperative Classroom
  
• Redirecting for the Single Parent
  
• Couple's Communication
  
• Strategies for Parents in High-conflict Divorce
  
• Welcome to the Wonderful World of Sports
  
• Balancing Love with Discipline (English & Spanish)
  
• No I Won’t & You Can’t Make Me! (English & Spanish)
  

Keynote Speaker, Max Simon will join over a dozen Certified Parent Educators* from the San Diego RCB team to inspire peace!

Max Simon, a new school leader of consciousness, has toured the country with Deepak Chopra M.D. and his father, Dr. David Simon, teaching meditation and yoga to thousands of people.

Also presenting will be Emcee, Jeff Detrow from Star 94.1 (the Jeff‐N‐Jer Radio Show) and Susie Walton, founder of Indigo Village and recipient of the San Diego Parent Educator of the Year award. Susie will be presenting a special message about Indigo Children.

Register before September 13th for your early-bird discount!

*Educators are certified through the International Network for Children and Families (INCAF).

Mommy Wars: Suburban Legend?

Despite the many arguments about the fact that "Mommy Wars" is a media-driven term, I see evidence every day how parents - each with their unique challenges, and moms in particular - begin choosing sides from the time of conception:

• Will I breastfeed or not?
• Cloth or disposable?
• Will I use a pacifier?
  
• Natural birth, selected cesarean or hiring a doula?
• Stay at home vs. Working Mom vs. Employing a Nanny?

There's no in between with these choices. You're either on one side or another, so to speak, and choosing which one can be as important - if not more - than the selection of your baby's name. Beyond the above decisions that each parent must choose (and it may be different for each child), there are the groups that parents fall into when their life choices are so drastically different than others:

• voluntarily single moms vs. happily married wives
• divorced women vs. unhappily married housewives
• military moms vs. all other moms
• widowed parents vs. parents with partners

The one thing that isn't discussed is the transition from one group to another. I know of an army wife who had a wonderful support system in place of both family and friends, most of whom were also military wives. The moment her husband died, she realized who her true friends really were when she was suddenly treated like an outsider - as if having a deceased husband was a contagious disease that others might catch.

Much more common these days, are those women who find themselves divorced and suddenly lost, not having a steady support system in place. Every place she turns, couples surround her as she slowly realizes that her set of friends are changing and that those who she can truly relate to are also divorced - been there, done that.

I fall into another category altogether because even though I am divorced, I am not bitter, I don't spend time bashing my ex-husband or complaining about the lack of child support I receive. I'm one of the lucky ones. My ex and I share equal custody of our son, are equally involved in his life and communicate quite frequently about the day-to-day events that take place within our family. (Yes, I still consider the three of us a family.)

Other moms don't know where to place me. I work outside the home, put my son in a private daycare, spend time with him (and his dad, occasionally) and still have time to play. I'm not worried about what group my friends fall into. Some of my friends aren't even parents and, perhaps not surprisingly, most of the people I can truly relate to are dads. They've been treated as outsiders from day one with this whole parenting thing (as I often feel).

Websites, advertisements and baby products were created with Moms in mind. It's a challenge to be an actively involved father when there's little support in our society provided.

I'm not only concerned with how this affects parents but also how children are affected. What message are we sending to our little ones?

With each situation that a parent must deal with, his child must also cope with. I believe that every child comes into the world with special needs because of these unique circumstances.

Are you, as a parent or educator, prepared to handle the emotional needs of these young people? How is anyone surprised that today's children are medicated at an early age, or diagnosed with a psychological, social, or behavioral disorder before they reach adulthood? If their parents fall into a specific category, what other option do children have but to conform to a set of ideal behavioral expectations or befriend (only) those children whose parents are on the same side as their own?

I don't have the answers but I believe that asking the questions is a good place to start.

Suggested Reading:
Deliver This!: Make the Childbirth Choice That's Right for You . . . No Matter What Everyone Else Thinks

Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families

Feminine Mistake, The: Are We Giving Up Too Much?

Striking a Balance: Work, Family, Life

The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars: Who Decides What Makes a Good Mother?

Blogroll, Please

New additions to my blogroll - many discovered via Twitter (my latest addiction) or from Psychology Today:

• Crash Test Mommy
• Suburban Turmoil
• Mommy Needs a Cocktail
• Kid Stuff
• Great Sex
• Living Single
• Singletons
• A Family Affair
• Lust in Paradise
• The Blogess
  

Book Review: Reconcilable Differences

In the words of Nietzsche, "What does not kill you makes you stronger."

When I read the back of the book, RECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES: Marriages End Families Don't, by Cate Cochran, I literally embraced it and knew I had to have it. In ten chapters, featuring the stories of ten unique families, Cate shares inspirational and unconventional ways that these families have remained intact even after the parents' marriages have come to an end.

My ex-husband and I no longer live in the same home, but I tend to believe that our situation is more like the families' in this book than other couples we've met who have also had to redefine family live after a divorce.

When we first separated, my husband and I each took a co-parenting class called Parents' Turn. It was a class that was meant to fulfill our requirements for the court during our high conflict divorce and we each walked away from that class feeling very lucky considering how well we were getting along compared to those we met along the way.

One of the things that struck me the most was when the instructor pointed out that: Someday, when our son decides to marry, or have a child of his own, it will be necessary for his father and I to be in the same room. Our son may want us both to walk him down the aisle, for example, or be there when his baby is baptized or celebrates a birthday.

Looking towards the future - and the future of our relationship - forced me to step back and put aside my own feelings and really focus on getting along with his father and reconfiguring our family in a positive way. Not only did we start communicating more often after our separation, but to this day, we make sure that both of us are there on our son's birthday and special occasions to celebrate with him.

Back to the book: Ten couples, all with different reasons for ending their marriages, were brave enough to experiment with the family dynamics in their home by continuing to reside together, under the same roof, so their children could have both parents involved in their lives on a daily basis.

My ex-husband and I discussed this idea, briefly. Unfortunately, neither one of us were in a place, emotionally, to work together on this. Discovering that your spouse brings out the worst in you (and vice versa) is reason enough to no longer live together. I don't think that this solution (of living together after a divorce) works for each and every family, but I have a great deal of respect for those who can make it work. They sacrifice many of their own needs and wants in order for it to happen.

What I found most inspiring about the stories inside RECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES, are the lessons that the children learned from their experiences (and their parents' experiments) with the re-creation of family life:

"It's a bizarre idea to think that staying in an unhappy situation is good, because kids know what's going on. It might not be said out loud, but we know...If you can figure out a way to be happy, the pieces will fall into place." - Maggie, 21 (she was 6 years old when her parents "transitioned")

"I wasn't mad at them for their marriage not working, but I was mad that they had tried to hide it." - Julie (age 12)

Bethan, still a toddler when her parents separated, gave her mother a card which conveyed her true feelings when she was old enough to put her thoughts into words: "I'm glad that you and Daddy got divorced."

Marc and Mary decided to continue sharing a house together after Marc admitted to himself (and his wife) that he was gay, and they realized that there are other options for couples after a marriage ends. According to Mary, "what was empowering was making the decision that [their relationship] didn't have to be shattered, that it could be reinvented."

When Peter and LJ divorced, Peter stayed in the home (in a separate unit) and LJ later remarried Jon, who had his own thoughts on the reconfiguration of families: "If you divorce in an agreeable way, especially in an arrangement where it is peaceful and people are satisfied with their lives, you show kids on a deeper level that life can be good and you can make it good."

After twenty-five years, Anna and Tom finally admitted to themselves - and each other - that their marriage was not working. After having three children together (and two from Tom's previous marriage) they had woken up to the reality that staying married was no longer a healthy option. Their teenage children learned many things from their relationship including the reality that the prince charming / happy ending fairy tale does not exist for many people. As Anna states, "That's what I want my kids to know - enjoy it and love it and be totally there for the person. But be sure that you don't need that person, that you only want that person. There's such a difference between those two words."

As a single parent, still defining my role as a divorced mom, I have to agree with the way the author chooses to view her relationship with the father of her children and hope to use them as a model to further reinforce the role of our extended family and the importance of community in my son's life.

"We have been taught from the time we were tiny children that marriage is an endgame; once we get there we are supposed to stay there. When marriage vows include the phrase 'til death do us part,' any other outcome signals failure...When we put the nuclear family on a pedestal as if it's the best structure within which to live, we set ourselves up for disappointment and disaster.

"The families in this book looked to themselves for inspiration when it came to reconfiguring. By letting the shape of the new arrangements evolve from what felt right, they created families that best fit the needs and desires of their individual members.

"...when we take the first steps toward severing marital arrangements, we tend to seek help from the 'experts' we hope will guide us, but no one knows our children better than we do.

"When we have to reconfigure the family structure, we should take it step by step, trusting our own instincts and trying to remember that we're forever linked to the father or mother of our offspring. We are the only two people in the world with that relationship, and there's something to be cherished in that."

Other books that may also be of interest:

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
Why Do I Love These People?: Honest and Amazing Stories of Real Families
The Good Divorce
We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce

Amber Alert

Every time I hear of an Amber Alert, I wonder what the story is behind the situation. I wonder how many of them involve the parent of the child who has gone missing. I wonder how many relationships are being torn apart - for whatever reason - and how many children are being pulled in different directions. I wonder how their stories will end.

As someone who went through a painful divorce, I can remember the plethora of emotions that I experienced as my marriage (and friendship with my husband) fell apart, as my son and I had to learn to adjust to home life without his father and as my son learned to adjust to his father's new house, without me. Our son was quite young at the time and now doesn't remember the three of us ever living under the same roof.

What he does know is that the three of us (him, me and his dad) are a family and that the two of us were thrilled to bring him into the world. He knows that although we don't all live in the same house, we're still a family. He knows that, for us, family includes my sister and her family, my parents, his paternal grandmother and his dad's sister. Oh, and his dad's best friend and my close friends and their families...


I could go on but the point I want to make is that every family is different, unique. My son knows children who are raised by their grandparents, or who have only one parent in their lives. We also know families that have adopted children, foster children, or those who have two dads and one mom, or one mom and one aunt who raise the child together. Families are a beautiful thing and I'm proud of my family, despite the fact that this is not the "family life" I envisioned having when I was a little girl.

I wonder how the children involved in the Amber Alert situations will define family as they get older. I wonder if they will know about the fact that they were reported missing at one time, what details will be explained to them, and what information will never (and should not ever) be revealed?

Will I share with my son the unpleasant memories from my past or things that I'm not proud of? Will I encourage him to ask me questions? Of course - because having him feel comfortable enough to say anything, tell me what's on his mind and ask me any question he thinks of is one of the major goals I have set for building our relationship and making it stronger as he grows up.

So far, so good.

July - National Child-Centered Divorce Month

by Laura Campbell of The D-Spot

The second annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month will take place throughout July across the United States. Professionals who deal with divorce issues -- therapists, attorneys, mediators, coaches, educators, clergy and others - will be joining forces to share valuable parenting messages. One of the most significant is: Don't make your child a pawn in your conflict. Instead, put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.

National Child-Centered Divorce Month was initiated by author Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. Sedacca has created a Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and works closely with a broad group of therapists, attorneys, mediators, divorce coaches, educators, financial planners and other professionals who focus on creating the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.

Rosalind is a fabulous author and single parenting resource for those who are looking for ways to create a parenting structure that centers on the child when moving forward.

If you would like to checkout a couple of wonderful resources, here are a just a few:

www.peacefuldivorce.ning.com
www.childcentereddivorce.com
www.howdoitellthekids.com
www.divorce360.com
www.yourchildyourdivorce.com
www.divorcemag.com
www.healthyparent.com

As we enter the month of July this week, it is the perfect time to recommit yourself to creating the live that you imagine and deserve....not just for you but for your children as well.

Sometimes in the face of fear, anxiety and overwhelm, it is all we can do to manage our own emotions, actions and behaviors without having to focus on our children and their needs and emotions.

I am eager to hear from you so that I can provide you with the best resources available:

1. What are your greatest parenting concerns?

2. What support can you use in creating your new single parenting philosophy?

As you share with me, I am better able to both share existing resources with you as well as create the support that you need to create an exceptional life!

I am here to support you and to help you move forward. And you are here for each other. Together we can create the life you WANT and DESERVE!