National Depression Screening Day

Depression hits people in different ways. Although there are several symptoms that most of us are aware of, it's difficult to see the impact when we're the ones suffering from an emotional or psychological disorder.

I've had a long history of depression and fought it for many years, self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, which only made things worse, of course.

Never was my depression so apparent then when I was dealing with the new stresses and pressures of being a new mom, trying to balance a full-time job with a newborn and having my family (my ultimate support system) so far away.

I was always the type of person who was afraid to ask for help, never wanting to admit that I couldn't do something completely on my own. I think many women feel this way, especially in regards to motherhood. After all we're built to be moms, right?

Did you know that women are twice as likely to suffer from depression as men? And, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that one in six Latina teens has seriously considered suicide (I was one of them).

Visit Mental Health Screening for a quick psychological checkup and don't be afraid to speak to your doctor if you feel you may be suffering from any of the following signs of depression:

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness: A bleak outlook, thinking that nothing will ever get better and there's nothing you can do to improve your situation.
• Loss of interest in daily activities: No interest in or ability to enjoy former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex.
• Appetite or weight changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain - a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes: Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
• Psychomotor agitation or retardation: Either feeling "keyed up" and restless or sluggish and physically slowed down.
• Loss of energy: Feeling fatigued and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting or taking longer.
• Self-loathing: Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes.
• Concentration problems: Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
  

Having read these symptoms just now, I was reminded of the occasions when my husband (at the time) berated me for being lazy and not helping him around the house (because working full-time, breast-feeding and taking care of our infant son wasn't enough).

I, of course, was suffering from postpartum depression (without either of us realizing it) but it was his statements and anger towards me that provided the fuel for those feelings of inadequacy to take over. Quickly, the state of self-loathing became the guiding force behind my motivation, or lack thereof.

It was the beginning of a downward cycle that led to concentration problems, and a combination of insomnia and hypersomnia (which I attributed to "catching up on my sleep").

As a society, we're always quick to blame outside circumstances for our emotional state when clearly, there's evidence that our internal chemistry truly has a greater effect on our psychological well-being more than anything. I should know this. I studied psychology in school and got the highest grade in my college career in my course on psychopharmacology.

And yet, I continued to ignore the symptoms and did not seek the help I truly needed. It finally took my husband leaving me to realize that I needed to do something, quickly, or my son might have eventually been taken away from me. There's nothing like the threat of losing your child to put things into perspective.

I am not shy about my past and I don't blame others for my actions, or my current situation. I hold myself responsible for letting the symptoms of depression control me and from keeping me from being the best mom and wife I could be.

Looking back, I have to say that my husband made the best decision he could, under the circumstances. I was forced to stand on my own two feet in every way, and I am a much stronger, emotionally balanced and content individual for getting through it. But I'm far from past it. It's following close behind, like a shadow that can never escape from the sun.

My heart goes out to anyone who has ever suffered from depression or has witnessed someone they love going through this emotional roller coaster that takes over every aspect of their life.

I cannot stress enough the importance for women - especially after giving birth - to reach out for emotional support, write about your thoughts and feelings and to not be afraid to ask for help.

It is equally important for all of you husbands and fathers to be aware of the emotional needs of your wife or the mother of your child and allow her the freedom and opportunity to share her thoughts and complaints (without you feeling the need to step in and fix things), and to allow her the opportunity to get out of the house and encourage her to do so, alone, and often.

Healing Stories

Have you ever wished that you could find just the right book for a child? Maybe a child in your life is anticipating a big change, such as having a new brother or sister, starting school for the first time, or moving to a new house. Maybe something difficult and painful has happened, such as a divorce, a serious illness, or a death. Or maybe you just know a child who is fearful at bedtime, or worries about growing up, or has a bad day occasionally. You know how important it is to read to children, and it has occurred to you that sharing a story could help the child in your life manage the situation that she or he is going through. But how will you find the right book?

Healing Stories: Picture Books for the Big and Small Changes in a Child's Life puts at your fingertips a list of more than 500 picture books that was prepared just for this purpose. Stories and other children's books have been carefully selected by a psychologist who works extensively with children. Each chapter includes an annotated list of picture books relevant to a specific concern that children may have, empowering you to select the books that best match the child and the situation you're concerned about. This book also includes a helpful introduction that discusses ways to use books with children who are experiencing life changes or stress.

Custody Battles

I love reading about custody schedules that work for everyone involved. I adore families who get along for the sake of their children and appreciate stories of divorced couples who remain friends.

Let's face it, though, this is not always the case and for every story that includes a happy ending, there are those that are sadly dysfunctional and even harmful.

My situation is no exception. When my husband filed for a divorce in 2006, I was mad. I was angry, hurt, confused, depressed, guilty, and pretty much in denial until he moved out two months later. It was a long two months. I don't think I slept at all during that time, nor did I have a pleasant word to say to or about him.

Needless to say, I've learned to put my feelings aside to focus on the needs of our son. It certainly hasn't been easy and we battled it out in court for quite some time since I tried to seek the court's approval to move - with my son - back to Minnesota where my family lives, and where I grew up.

I wanted to raise my son near family; my sister's family and my parents ,in particular. The fact that my ex-husband's family lives on the East Coast played a major role in my decision as well since I argued that we'd be closer to them once we moved. I had fully anticipated that the court would grant this request and that my husband would eventually get over his feelings so we could focus on the needs of our son.

I was not expecting the court to deny my request but they - at that time - felt that my son was too young to be "taken away" from his father. Those were the words my ex used to describe what I was trying to do. He felt that I was trying to deny his right to be in our son's life and was upset with me for trying to take our son away from him.

Last week, I was in Minnesota, without my son. It was hard for me - extremely difficult - to think about what life would be like if my son and I lived there. He would be able to grow up with his cousins (dozens of them) and run around outside and, most likely, I would be able to buy a house with a yard and provide him with a childhood filled with happy memories like I have from growing up there.

The judge did mention that I could come back to court when our son was older to make this request again - to move to Minnesota - away from his father. I think about this every day and have even questioned whether or not I could move to Minnesota on my own and leave my son behind. I come to the same conclusion every time.

You can imagine how difficult it would be for me to live somewhere without my son. What he is "missing out on" is only in my mind since he knows nothing other than California as home and his mom and dad as family.

As he gets older, I have a feeling he will want to be with his father more often which is understandable. I am much closer to my mom and have been since I was young - another reason why it's so hard to live thousands of miles away.

My sister and I spent last week together with her two young boys. I miss them all. My friends and family mean the world to me and it's a difficult decision I've made to live here until my son is old enough to understand my desire to be closer to the rest of my family. That doesn't make it any easier but it does provide me with more reason to share with my loved ones just how much they mean to me, no matter where I call home.

When a Marriage Fails

David, over at Dad's House, inspired this post since his statements - and the comments that followed - really struck a chord with me.

Calling a marriage a failure is damaging to our society. Imagine what it is like to be a child of divorced parents and hearing that statement (a failed marriage) throughout one's life. No wonder they are more likely to experience divorce themselves.

Before I go into my own experience and thoughts on this, let me begin by explaining that my parents are married and have been together for over 35 years. They've had their difficult years and there was a time in my life where I actually wanted them to get a divorce. I felt (because I was 16 and knew so much about the world) that my mom should leave my dad and life would be peachy keen for everyone (a.k.a. me).

Obviously, I thank my lucky stars that they are still together since I see them now and realize how much I have learned from them and their relationship. No one walks into marriage without baggage and no one walks away from one without regret.

I love, love love, what David had to say about marriage and divorce:

Two people come together, fall in love, make each other complete. They try to get along and lead a happy life, but over time something changes and they can’t. They split and move on.

Is that failure? If they grew from the experience, it’s evolution. If being married forced that change, then maybe the marriage served its purpose and it’s a success.

Yep, I think growth and change is definitely an evolution and our society is not one to embrace such change, unfortunately. Change and growth are scary things to many people and it's that fear that leads to talking about marriage as either a success or failure that is damaging.

If we succeed at something, doesn't that typically mean we no longer have goals we are trying to reach? We've exceeded our expectations and we no longer have to put forth any effort? Um, no.

If one chooses to remain single (and never marries) does that mean they have failed as well? NO! Marriage should not be seen as something that we need to win or lose at (success vs. fail) but rather, an experience and a relationship that changes us (hopefully, for the better). There are certainly many experiences and relationships in one's lifetime that also produce change and we would never label them as a failure or a success. Why do we put so much pressure on marriage?

My marriage ended over two years ago. My son was a result of that relationship and I would - if only because of him - have to say that our marriage was a success. I have no regrets (although I had plenty of guilt) and I have no doubt in my mind that my son will grow up to have a healthy self-esteem, parents that love him unconditionally, and an equal and fair chance at finding that one person to spend the rest of his life with as the rest of us.

10 Things Men Wish Women Would Know

I have been shopping around (so to speak) for relationship advice lately as many people I know have been coming to me (for who knows what reason) to ask me for my thoughts and insight on marriage and the future of love and intimacy as I know it.

Alright, so my suggestions usually fall along the lines of, "Here's What NOT To Do," based on my personal experience with a failed marriage and several failed relationships before and afterwards.

Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites have introduced me to may blog, including the lylah blog. Even though this post is from last year, there are relevant ideas here for any relationship (not just marriage). 

I need to preface this by saying that I am not a religious person. Even though I grew up Catholic and spent the majority of my education at Catholic schools, I don't pray or attend church (unless there's a wedding, baptism or funeral to attend) but I do consider myself a spiritual person.

The reason why I bring this up is that I want to tell you about my experience with the Bible. I read many stories from the Bible growing up and got many things from it. I believe that there are many great lessons to be learned within the pages, whether or not one believes in the stories from a faith point-of-view or, as in my experience, if you enjoy quotes and the power of language.

Let's face it. The Bible is well-written and well-edited. With my publishing background and love of literature, I look at the Bible much differently as an adult. There are passages and stories written by different people in this collection, and you would be hard-pressed to find one that is not a good storyteller.

I'm getting off track here. What I do want to say though, before I continue with the point of this post, is that I read the Bible as I would any other book. I read between the lines, I disregard some parts of it while re-read others.

The biblical quotes that are included in this list from the lylah blog are powerful and relevant to the message she's trying to communicate. I encourage you to create your own list (with your partner) to be sure to have a better understanding of his or her needs.

Finally, the list:

   10 Things Men Want Women to Take to Heart:

1. Don't Try to Change Me
2. Respect Me
3. Understand
4. Pray for Me
5. See Me as God Sees Me
6. Let Me Be Me
7. Let me OWN the Responsibility
8. Feed Me (I take this to mean both physically and spiritually)
9. Build Me Up
10. Express Your Discontent & Disappointment in Me Without Anger

I would be curious to know what men would want their wives to know and vice versa, that are not included in this list. I encourage you to add them in the comments below.

Link Share

For writers who are also stay-at-home Moms or if you were raised by a stay-at-home Mom, an opportunity to share your story comes from the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. They're looking for great stories and you can submit yours on line.

If you're not able to be in Las Vegas for the annual ENK show, be sure to check out the companies who will be highlighting their products. There are several reasons to head to Las Vegas but for those who have never been should certainly check out this event.

How Emotionally Intense is Your Child? Temperament plays a major role in how you and your child react to one another and how your child reacts to others.

Ms. Single Mama writes a touching letter to her future husband. Here's my favorite line:

"I’m not ready to meet you yet. Almost… but not quite. I’m working on it. I am dating but I won’t settle for anything less than - you."

Discover: Science, Technology and the Future

I'm continually finding new resources for articles and issues relating to psychology, biology and science. It seems there's always more to Discover:

• Fearless Mothers
• Do Brothers Make you Gay?
• The Biology Behind Sex in the City
• Why Loneliness is Bad for You
• Mind Over Moods
• Map: High School Hook Ups
• Autism: It's Not Just in the Head
• Vital Signs: Misdiagnosing ADHD
• Babies Who Beat AIDS
  

Amber Alert

Every time I hear of an Amber Alert, I wonder what the story is behind the situation. I wonder how many of them involve the parent of the child who has gone missing. I wonder how many relationships are being torn apart - for whatever reason - and how many children are being pulled in different directions. I wonder how their stories will end.

As someone who went through a painful divorce, I can remember the plethora of emotions that I experienced as my marriage (and friendship with my husband) fell apart, as my son and I had to learn to adjust to home life without his father and as my son learned to adjust to his father's new house, without me. Our son was quite young at the time and now doesn't remember the three of us ever living under the same roof.

What he does know is that the three of us (him, me and his dad) are a family and that the two of us were thrilled to bring him into the world. He knows that although we don't all live in the same house, we're still a family. He knows that, for us, family includes my sister and her family, my parents, his paternal grandmother and his dad's sister. Oh, and his dad's best friend and my close friends and their families...


I could go on but the point I want to make is that every family is different, unique. My son knows children who are raised by their grandparents, or who have only one parent in their lives. We also know families that have adopted children, foster children, or those who have two dads and one mom, or one mom and one aunt who raise the child together. Families are a beautiful thing and I'm proud of my family, despite the fact that this is not the "family life" I envisioned having when I was a little girl.

I wonder how the children involved in the Amber Alert situations will define family as they get older. I wonder if they will know about the fact that they were reported missing at one time, what details will be explained to them, and what information will never (and should not ever) be revealed?

Will I share with my son the unpleasant memories from my past or things that I'm not proud of? Will I encourage him to ask me questions? Of course - because having him feel comfortable enough to say anything, tell me what's on his mind and ask me any question he thinks of is one of the major goals I have set for building our relationship and making it stronger as he grows up.

So far, so good.

40 Words About Me

Here's an exercise you can do with your children or simply on your own. Have them jot down forty positive adjectives that describe their personality. The rules are simple, but there are no exceptions: No less than forty, and nothing negative.

Here are mine (then it's your turn):

Funny Friendly Flirtatious Crazy Cuddly Cute Sensitive Sexy Smart Emotional Exciting Energetic Caring Creative Romantic Intense Dramatic Overwhelming Funky Fabulous Frank Radiant Responsible Rebellious Reflective Philosophical Playful Sharp Stunning Sweet Lovable Charming Talented Outrageous Generous Independent Ambitious Sincere Mature Courageous

After completing this exercise, you and your child will most likely have smiles on your faces from focusing on all of the wonderful traits that make them unique.

Try this with children (or adults) when they've had a bad day, or on your own when you need a little pick me up. It's tough to select forty. When you're having a good day, you might have trouble narrowing it down. On days when you're feeling low, don't stop until you've reached at least forty but keep going if you still need a boost.

With younger children, have them spell out their name and select a word to describe themselves using each letter of their first name. You can continue with their middle and last name if they're willing. This is a fun exercise that young children enjoy doing using the names of their friends or loved ones.

For older children, any time they say something negative about themselves, remind them (and perhaps pull out the list) of the many positive attributes that you love about them.

Update these lists often. It's another great way to encourage yourself or your children.

Happy Hour - Summer Edition

I'm pleased to announce the upcoming one-hour workshops offered this summer at Babies in Bloom, located in Vista, California.

Especially considering that most of the clientèle to this boutique are new or expectant parents, I'm excited to teach fresh parents skills and techniques to use for years to come.

HAPPY HEALTHY HIP PARENTING HAPPY HOUR
As a Certified Parent Educator through the International Network for Children and Families, I will be offering the following one-hour workshops:

Saturday, July 26th
11:00 am

HOW TO HANDLE CHILDREN'S FEELINGS
Participants will be able to learn the difference between feeling-stoppers and feeling-encouragers and how to work with children's feelings in each developmental stage.

Saturday, August 9th
11:00 am

TEMPERAMENT
Learn to identify 9 temperaments that can cause behavior challenges. Easy to use skills are taught to manage them.

Enroll today! Class sizes are limited.
*Enrollment is required for each workshop.
$25 per person; $40 per couple.
ASK ABOUT OUR DISCOUNT FOR NEW OR EXPECTANT PARENTS!

Please contact Happy Healthy Hip Parenting for more information or to enroll.

Anger Management

Between road rage and domestic violence, there is an urgent need to help young people deal with their negative emotions before things get out of control.

Family Resource, a website dedicated to helping families, has great suggestions for learning to let go:

It is almost impossible to be upset when your body is relaxed. Try one of these relaxation skills, even in the middle of a challenging situation:

• Breathe slowly and deeply while imagining that tension is leaving your body with each breath.
• Try to inhale and exhale for the same amount of time (e.g., inhale for a count of four, exhale for four). Imagine that the breath is going in and out of the region of your heart. Meanwhile, recall or think about things that give you an appreciative, grateful, loving feeling. (For more on this simple but powerful technique, check out the books from the HeartMath Institute in Santa Cruz.)
• For a young child, a little trick that will help her breathe deeply is to ask her to exhale fully and then hold the exhalation for a couple of seconds - when she inhales, she'll naturally take a big breath.
• Deliberately relax certain trigger points, such as the jaw muscles, pelvic floor, or the "third eye" between the eyebrows.
• Recall or imagine a very happy, peaceful scene.

You can deepen your capacity to relax when the fur starts flying by practicing relaxation techniques at calmer times, like right before bed:

• Systematically put your attention on each major part of your body, starting with your feet and working up to your head. If it helps, think a phrase like "relax," or "locate a point" for your left foot, right foot, left ankle, right ankle . . . all the way up to your scalp.
• Tense your muscles for about five seconds and then relax completely.
• Imagine that you are v-e-r-y heavy, sinking more and more deeply into your bed
• Imagine that your hands are very warm, like holding a cup of hot cocoa (this one is especially good for insomnia)

For kids, bedtime is a great time to train them in these techniques, since they'll put up with more mumbo-jumbo to keep you in the room. The point is that you will initially take them through some of the methods above, and then over time you will expect them increasingly to use the methods themselves at night -- as well as during the day, in real-life situations.

Personality Lab

Want to learn more about yourself or your child? Take the personality questionnaires from Personality Lab:

Understand Your Child

Parents, complete this child personality test to better understand your son or daughter. The questionnaire can be used to describe a young child, teen, or adult.

Understand Yourself

Complete this questionnaire to learn about your own personality. The feedback provided by this test is applicable to people of all ages.

Deal With It

How do you handle unexpected problems that pop up in life? What about successes? Take this test to learn about your coping styles.

The Close Relationship Quiz

Are you always worried about your relationships, or do they rarely cross your mind? Do you hold others close to you, or do you push them away? Complete this personality quiz and learn more about your relationship style.

Are You a Decider?

Who’s the decider in your house? What about at work, or in the community? Do you make the decisions, or is someone else really in charge? The results may surprise you. Find out if you – or your spouse – has a “decider” personality by taking this quiz!

My Life Goals

Fame? Fortune? Love? What are the life goals that are most important to you? Find out by completing this survey.

Find Your Hogwarts House

Harry Potter fans, have you ever wondered where the sorting hat would place you? Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin: Complete this personality test and find out! Based on the Understand Yourself test.

The Sims Personality Test

What's your virtual personality: Neat freak? Couch potato? Socialite? Take this test and get scored on each of the five personality dimensions used in The Sims and The Sims 2.

Can't get enough quizzes? Visit Your Personality for more.

The Hard Questions

My best friend of over fourteen years - whom I've known for over half my life - is getting married this fall. It's her birthday today so I want to dedicate this post to her and her future hubby (who I haven't had the opportunity to meet yet).

A few weeks back I picked up a copy of The Hard Questions by Susan Piver. Ever since my marriage ended, I've been very interested in books dealing with relationships and marriage.

This book contains 100 Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" and I hope that those who are thinking about getting married, planning the wedding or wondering if their current partner is "the one," will take the time to read this and answer these questions along with their significant other.

Here are just a few questions that can be found in the book:

• How much will we spend on furnishings? Who will make these decisions? What factors are important in making these decisions (price, quality, style)? Do we want to be free to decorate as our tastes change, or do we expect to invest in quality that will last a lifetime?
• What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend? Now? In one year? Five years? Ten years?
• Outside of the office, how much of our work time are we willing to put into work? What place does the other's job have in our home life? Do we have an office at home? Do we bring work home? How much time is spent working at home?
• Are we satisfied with the frequency of lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched?
  
• Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?
• What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often? For what length of time?
• Who will take care of our child if we both work? How does each partner feel about daycare?
• Which of us is responsible for creating community? Is one partner more outgoing than the other? Does one partner have a greater need for outside friendships and groups?
• What place do spiritual / religious beliefs play in our home and home life?

These are just a few questions from the list of 100 to really think about your own thoughts, beliefs and expectations in aspects that affect your marriage, as well as your partner's. Some of the answers might come to you easily. Some might be questions you have never thought about. All are essential to ask (and answer) before saying, "I do."

Books to Read

In my ever-growing library of books on my "To-Read" list, here are my most recent additions:

What Angry Kids Need:
Parenting Your Angry Child Without Going Mad

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child:
The Heart of Parenting


The 7 Worst Things Parents Do


Rich Dad Poor Dad:
What the Rich Teach Their Kids about Money -
That the Poor and Middle Class Do Not!


Parking Lot Rules:
75 Creative Ideas for Raising Amazing Children


The Hard Questions


Social Intelligence:
The New Science of Human Relationships


Raising Boys Without Men:
How Maverick Moms are Creating
the Next Generation of Exceptional Men

For those following, you'll see my reading interests center around parenting issues, relationships, psychology and personal growth. I'm always looking for great reads so please send along any recommendations - about these - or any other books that you feel I may want to add to my library.

Dating Dealbreakers

I recently discovered Tango magazine: smart talk about love and I love it. I'm addicted. And I discovered a great post about 12 dealbreakers that every dating adult should adhere to:

Chronic lateness.
For clarity, “chronic” here means “three dates in a row.” If your date arrives more than ten minutes late each time, don’t wait for his (or her) fourth arrival. Be gone. No doubt your date will have wonderful excuses, and one or two may even be sound. But three in a row is a pattern, and what the pattern says is: I don’t want to get into this. So neither do you.

Ketchup on eggs.
If one of those first dates is brunch, and your new friend reaches for the ketchup to put on her eggs, RED FLAG! I realize this may seem arbitrary or fussy. Or perhaps you think I’m making a class judgment here. Well, maybe I am! What’s wrong with that? All I know is: Nothing good ever comes of ketchup on eggs. And it’s really gross.

Rudeness to waiters.
And taxi drivers, and any-one else in a service job. I shouldn’t even have to explain why this is a dealbreaker. Just remember that it is.

Scary divorce stories.
It’s amazing how much a new prospect will tell you about her life on a first or second date—much more than she knows she’s saying. The question is: Do you hear it? If she launches into the story of her messy divorce, is her ex the villain in every respect? To me, that’s a red flag right there. Anyone who’s emotionally grounded should be able to see that two people, not one, contributed to a divorce.

A deep attachment to disturbing pets.
A golden retriever is fine, and cats are all right if they don’t do much. But I’m still haunted by the memory of an ancient, hairless dachshund that would manage to jump up on the bed during inopportune moments and bay. Not until the dog-owner chose to disengage herself from me and comfort the dog instead did I know that this was trouble.

Fling-o-matics.
During a first, incredibly romantic lunch with a new prospect some time ago, I mentioned that my most recent relationship had ended after a year. “A year,” my new friend marveled. “That’s so impressive! All of my relationships end after three months.” Of course I resolved to be the exception. Over the next weeks, which happened to include Christmas and New Year’s, we had an amazing time, both in New York City, where she had a charming Hell’s Kitchen walk-up, and at my house in the Hamptons. One Sunday, after I’d put her on the train home, I came back to find the most tenderly romantic note on my pillow, something about soul mates joined. The next week, for no outward cause, she called to break up with me. No argument, no terrible time, just end of story. Only later did I realize it was week 12. Lesson: When a woman over 35 tells you all her relationships have ended after a few months, RED FLAG.

Demon children.
Children with an issue or two? Maybe. Children who hate you? Watch out. Hopelessly spoiled or angry children, like D—’s? Head for the door.

Money matters.
Money stirs up so many issues, conscious and unconscious, far more than any magazine article can cover. For now, let’s just list two red flags you can spot early on. One: If a man suggests splitting the tab on a first date, the woman should pay—then bolt. I don’t say this is fair, especially if, for instance, the woman is a CEO and the man is a freelance writer. But it’s the way it is, and any man who tries to worm out of his society-given role as tab-picker-upper on the first (or second or third) date for the sake of saving a few bucks is a creep to be ditched. For men, an early red flag about money may not start waving until the third or fourth date. A lot of women begin life as daddy’s girls; a few stay that way. They feel men should provide them with the lifestyle to which they’ve grown accustomed from other men who did just that. If you’re a sugar daddy yourself, have fun. If not, back off. Over time you’ll only be despised—and dropped.

The Parent Trap.
Powerful emotions about one’s parents—positive or negative—are a huge red flag. For men, mother-worship is relationship death. One 50-year-old man I know has dated every single woman in New York and found, to his bafflement, that none is good enough—for his mother, that is. (She’s still calling the shots at age 85.) One of this guy’s many castoffs is a very attractive, successful woman of 42, whom I later dated myself. Now that I know both, I can only wonder who was the first to reject the other. It must have been like two gunfighters at the O.K. Corral. N— rejected me after three really nice dates because she decided my eight-year-old daughter, whom she hadn’t yet met, would be an “encumbrance” to our relationship. (Since she hadn’t met her, she couldn’t claim my daughter was a demon child.) Only after we became friends did I learn how much she resents both her parents. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Bad sex.
I don’t need to go into detail here, do I? Except to say that bad sex may get better after a first, fumbling time, but bad sex two or three times in a row is sex that only gets worse. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that sex is just one part of a relationship, that laughter and shared values are as important, etc., etc. They’re not. Red flag. BIG red flag.

Dirty underwear and socks.
Your mother was right. They have to be clean. Dirty underwear is the hallmark of a secret slob, and every secret slob has many worse habits you don’t even want to think about—but will all too soon get to know if you don’t leave now.

The Anger Hum.
As he or she talks, not just about past romantic relationships but about work, friends, and family, listen for a low hum of anger, like a third rail running along the tracks of your new prospect’s life. For reasons I never quite figured out, I used to be attracted to women who had that vibe. Maybe it seemed sexy; maybe it reminded me of my mother. But I now know how to recognize anger—not shows of temper, which may be healthy in moderation, but the deeper, more destructive hum—and to back off when I hear it.

March Madness

My son spent a week in Hawaii with his dad. Then, I gave him about 24 hours to adjust - not only to the time change but to the climate before he and I jumped on a plane to Minnesota.

I had to go there for work, but took advantage of the fact that my family is there to spend a few extra days and bring my son along.

He spent plenty of time with his grandparents, aunt & uncle, and his cousin, who is going to be a big brother pretty soon.

It's always nice to see Cinimod so happy and excited to spend time with family. He literally jumped up and down when he learned he'd be spending time with his cousin again. They had a blast together and little JT cried when they had to say goodbye after the two of them spent the entire day together (with Grandma).

Today, though, before we got on the plane to return to San Diego, my son tried a couple of times to hug JT goodbye. I think he was sad to see Cinimod go. He wouldn't hug him and refused to give him a high-five (he gave everyone else one).

It's nice to know we'll be missed but I know it'll be that much sweeter as the boys get older and are able to really hang out and spend some much-needed male bonding time together as they grow up together.

Birth Order Compatilibity

Ready for relationship advice you can really use? To get your instant birth order analysis and find out the most compatible guy for you, just select the option that best describes your sibling situation. They'll take care of the rest!

Birth Order Compatibility

I'm the youngest and have one older sister which means my results claim:

Feminine is your middle name. You can flirt along with the best of them, and no one has a better imagination, especially when it comes to romance. In fact, sometimes you surprise yourself with the amazing, offbeat, creative ideas that pop into your head. If you could put even a fraction of your brainstorms into practice, you’d quickly become a millionaire. And speaking of money, it’s more important to you than to other women. Not only should you be sure to find a career that will satisfy you, but you should pair up with a guy who will help you achieve your dreams. Together you’ll take big risks and aim for the stars—the financial stars, that is. Your best match is an older brother of sisters, although he may feel you’re not as feisty as the younger sisters he grew up with. An older brother of brothers could also be a good match, even though he might not understand your feminine side as much as you’d like. A younger brother of sisters could keep you amused and entertained, but he might annoy you at times with his lack of attention.

If you've already found someone to spend the rest of your life with - this article discusses the importance of keeping your relationship emotionally healthy in order to keep the individuals involved physically healthy - a must-read.

What is Love?

From an Early Childhood Educator:

Today at circle time we talked about love. I asked the children, "What is love?" Here are some of their answers.

Love is....

• when you love a girl and you buy her a Sleeping Beauty dress.
• when you buy the boy you love shaving cream.
• when you kiss a bunch.
• when you put on a ring and kiss.
• when Mommy and Daddy watch Monsters Inc. with me.
• a sleepover with my brother.
• a snuggle with my mommy.
• love is when your heart gets happy.

I also asked, "What does love feel like?"

• It feels good...really good!
• It feels like a happy heart that is smiling.

Zen Dad

I enjoy quite a few other blogs - when I actually have time to read them - and I especially like those that cover a wide variety of topics while staying true to their voice. Zen Habits is one such blog and a recent post by this happy dad made me smile: Why I Love Being a Dad.

For those with children, you will understand why I enjoyed this post so much and why there are (currently) nearly 65 comments on this posting and why his blog is in the top 50 blogs found through Technorati.

Read it and weep. I did.

The Best Medicine

I have to agree that laughter is the best medicine but sometimes it's hard to know when it is or is not appropriate to laugh because of something a child has done, or said. Too often I have found myself laughing out loud when my son has done or said something so cute or utterly ridiculous. I say too often because there are several instances when he gets upset and tells me that "it's not funny."

Despite these rare occasions, my son has quite the sense of humor. But he's not laughing tonight.

Tonight is the first night that I've been away from my son when he hasn't been with his father. He's been with either one of us every day since he was born. My mom is staying with him for the next few nights and I know exactly how she must have felt when he called me up tonight, crying and asking for me.

He goes to school tomorrow where he'll be asked to join in the usual weekday routine. I'll feel much better when he's surrounded by his friends and teachers, instead of at the house, thinking about my not being there.

Adjusting to changes can be difficult for young children and tensions arise when they're expected to understand the concept of time when all they want is their Mom or Dad to kiss them goodnight, or right Now!

I'll be falling asleep tonight in an over-sized bed, thinking about my son and how I wish I were lying next to him. He's not going to remember this trip years from now, or will he?

I still - to this day - remember, vividly, not wanting to stay with my Aunt and Uncle when my parents left my sister and I at their house while they were away. We must have been there for more than one night but all I remember is standing at the edge of the bed - refusing to climb in to go to sleep - and crying. I wanted my own bed, my own house, and my Mom to be there when I woke up.

I also remember inviting my cousin over for a sleepover when we were in elementary school. I believe it was about midnight when my parents finally got her in the car to take her home because she was so homesick.

I appreciate the fact that my parents helped me to become more independent, learn the importance of trust, and to have faith that they will always be there for me, even if they aren't always there.

I have a feeling that my son will be just as upset when Grandma leaves next week as he was tonight and I'm pretty sure that not that long afterwards he'll ask me when she's coming to stay once again.