Ways to Say "No!"

Saying “no” to a child can be difficult. Sometimes we end up feeling like a broken record that says “no” all the time. This can be wearing on us. Children stop listening when we repeat the same response. They may even stop asking altogether but we want our children to continue to come to us and ask our permission, especially as they get into the tween years!

1. "That’s not an option."
2. "I am unwilling to..."
3. "That’s not appropriate."
4. "I am not ready for you to do that yet."
5. Ask, “What do you think you would need to do before I would be willing to say yes to that."
6. Ask, “What do you think? Is this a good choice for you?”(If you choose to use this, make sure you are willing to abide by their answer.
7. For a youngster who has something you don’t want her to have said, “That’s not a toy. However, this is a toy you can play with."
8. Ask, “What are your other options?”
9. "No, I would be willing to..."
10. "I appreciate your asking, however..."
11. “Walls are not for coloring. Here is a piece of paper.”
12. Tell them what to do instead i.e., “Water needs to stay in the tub.”
13. "This is not negotiable."
14. "Yes, as soon as (task) is done."
15. "I'd love to, but now's not an option, let's go put it on the calendar."
16. “How about…?”
17. "Why don’t we…?”

For more resources and articles for parents, visit our website and sign up for our weekly newsletter.

Interview with The Successful Single Mom

I had the pleasure with speaking to Honorée Capron about her latest book, The Successful Single Mom. Here are some of the highlights from the interview:

HipM0M: Honorée, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me today. I recently discovered your book, The Successful Single Mom and I thought, I’m a successful single mom. The book appealed to me and I want all single moms to feel successful, too. Can you tell me how you came up with the idea for putting this book together?

SSM: Being a single mom is the toughest job. I don’t know if you’re a single mom…

HipM0M: I am!

SSM: Ok, so you know! It’s the hardest job times 500,000! ... I was watching the Oprah show last May and she had some people on, and they were kind of emulating the show, “Ten Years Younger,” and they were talking about how these women had kind of let themselves go and what was the impetus for letting themselves go. And the woman that they introduced - it was the third woman, I believe - she came out and she was introduced by Oprah’s staff as being a single mom. And Oprah says, “She focuses on bringing home the money and taking care of the children. Of course she is last on her list.” And I thought, well I’m a single mom and I’ve been a single mom for six years…I never let myself go and I then I said, wait a second. Yes I did. I went through a tough time.

And I wondered if there was a book about making it through being a single mom that could’ve helped me get through that tough time and helped me feel successful and so I Googled and Amazoned and I couldn’t really find anything that really fit that criteria for me that would’ve been a book that helped me through the process, so I decided to write the book...from a coaching standpoint, but also, I had the experience of being a single mom.

HipM0M: What seems to be the number one challenge for the single moms that you’ve worked with?

SSM: Trying to do it all themselves, not asking for help, not creating a support system.

HipM0M: I definitely agree. I see that quite often. Now, why do you think that is? Why do you think single moms feel intimidated, or whatever it may be, to ask for help.?What is it about our personalities or just being a Mom that makes us feel we have to do it all? I mean, have you found the answer to that?

SSM: I think so! I think that we already have a list (of things to do that is) really long and if someone came and asked us for something we would be fine with it. We are so used to saying, “Yes.” As women we’re going to say yes, right? Because we’re taught to say yes to everything. But we also know that asking for help from someone else would mean that they would be adding to their To-Do list so we’re hesitant to ask for something from others but we would be fine with others asking us. In my work with moms, I encourage them to ask for what they need, which is something I wrote about in my latest blog post, Help a Sister Out.

HipM0M: I see that besides the printed edition of The Successful Single Mom, you can also purchase an e-book and the 100-Day Transformation Program. Can you tell me about what that is?

SSM: I actually started with the 100-Day Program. At 19, I created a 100-Day Program for myself. It was basically 100 Days, 3 Goals, a vision for each of those 100 days and things that I wanted to work on.

I then started using it about 5 years ago, I figured out that… single moms don’t want a big 350-page book. 100 pages is plenty…a quick book with a lot of meat.

I decided to see if this program would work for other single moms so I actually picked other single moms and coached them all for a quarter and it worked. 100 days worked because it was long enough that they could build momentum, see the results … not so long that they felt like it was going on forever.

And we were able to actually see the results. On the last day we celebrated 100 Days and you could see the change in these women. The women actually looked different and were more positive and you could tell that their energy levels had increased.

HipM0M: How do you define success?

SSM: If the bills are paid, I have $5 leftover for a pizza, my child is happy, she sees a happy mom, if my husband is happy…It’s not about the things. I can have all the pretty shoes I want, but if I’m arguing with my husband or my daughter is not happy, I don’t feel successful.

HipM0M: You were a single mom for several years but recently remarried. Congratulations!

SSM: Thank you! I was single and celibate for three years! During that time, I focused on myself. My number one relationship was with myself and I was really protective of my time. But when I was finally ready to date, I knew that as I became more attractive to myself, I became more attractive to other people.

HipM0M: Single moms are often concerned about the right time and exactly how to introduce their significant other into their children’s lives. Can you share what worked for you, or what didn’t work for you?

SSM: I work with a lot of clients and have several friends so my daughter is used to meeting new people. On the second date I had with my current husband, we went back to my house to leso that my babysitter go home. Our first date was about 8 hours. This second date was about six so we had gotten to know each other pretty well by this time.

I introduced him to my daughter and they got to spend time together for about 15 minutes, very briefly but as I was tucking her in that night she said, "I hope he stays your friend.” Kids have that instinctive part of them that really allows them to tune into people, so I really wanted to see her first impression was of him and how he'd be around her.

The bottom line is, don’t introduce someone until you know they’re going to stick. And when you know – you just know!

HipM0M: Are you working on any projects right now?

SSM: Yes, in fact, you’re the first one to know – this is Breaking News: I’m working with a co-author on a cookbook – The Successful Single Mom Cooks! It’s going to be a recipe book filled with great menu ideas that from start to finish will be on your table in 20 minutes.

HipM0M: This is great news, since I know I never want to eat the same things, or at the same time as my son. It’s challenging!

SSM: Right! No more franks and beans or the same old thing each night.

HipM0M: I look forward to that and to letting my readers know about your book, The Successful Single Mom. Is there anything else you want to share?

SSM: I have a group page on Facebook so that single moms can connect with one another. I also just want to acknowledge single moms. If this book appeals to you, it’s because you’re already an amazing mom and you want to be able to continue to be successful. You should give yourself a pat on the back!

If you take care of yourself, you will be successful. I know that the happier I am, the happier my daughter is. If we can model this for our kids then they will be inspired and feel successful.

If you're a single mom, you are are success so raise your glass to you, and the other single moms who continue to inspire us all to be our best, take care of ourselves and support others on similar journeys.

Read more reviews for The Successful Single Mom:

Get Your Life Back and Your Game On!

Chicago Single Mom Examiner

The Gift of Fatherhood

Parenting is certainly not easy. And even though I can't even possibly know what it's like to be a father, I can tell you, based on personal experience with my dad and the father of my son, that fatherhood presents unique challenges that are different than those that mothers deal with.

Aaron Hass, PhD, puts it all together in his book, Gift of Fatherhood. In his work with families that spans over twenty years, Dr. Hass has acquired a great understanding of the issues men face when becoming fathers.

Twelve Reasons Why You Might Not Want to Spend More Time with Your Children:

1. Parenting is difficult
2. You wait too long before becoming involved
3. You made an attempt to engage your child and you were rebuffed
4. You see your child as a burden rather than a joy
5. Your children seem to have arrived from another planet
6. You feel more comfortable with your son than your daughter
7. The temperaments of you and your child don't seem to fit
8. You have a very difficult child
9. You feel financial pressures
10. You believe parenting is your wife's responsibility
11. Your children prefer to be with their mother
12. You avoid being with your child to avoid marital conflict

Why You Should Want to Spend More Time with Your Children:

1. You will understand their abilities better
2. You will enhance your child's self-esteem
3. You may be able to forestall childhood problems
4. You will have more influence on them
5. It will enhance your self-esteem
6. Because of your epitaph
7. You can do it right
8. Your child presents you with an opportunity to grow

While I happen to think that some of these issues are a bit out-of-date (do some men still think parenting responsibilities lie with the mother?), I again have to wonder if perhaps they are issues that men deal with. I'm hoping that the fathers reading this can offer some feedback and let moms know what it is that may cause you to seek time away from your children and what it is that motivates you to spend more time with them than your father may have spent with you.

Child Abandonment

I wasn't surprised to read about the Nebraska father who had dropped off his nine children, - abandoning them - at a local hospital due to overwhelming stress and his inability to care for them any longer. What parent wouldn't be stressed with nine kids, let alone a man who was somehow trying to do it on his own, after the death of his wife. Talk about emotional overload.

What did shock me, however, was the "backlash" that officials have now created with their insistence that now the laws in that state must be changed. In other words, or what I'm hearing at least, is that older children who are being raised by parents who are so stressed that they are actually contemplating walking away, must remain in that abusive situation.

I know, there is no abuse that we know of being brought up here in these recent cases, but wouldn't that be the next step? If a parent has less last-minute options, what are the choices he or she would feel that would be left? Leaving these children in a neglectful situation?

I'm not sure what's worse, sending out a message to these parents - and children who are old enough to read and hear the news - that just because a parent no longer wants to be a parent, means that no one else should have to pick up the slack, or the helpless feeling of needing to walk away in the first place?

Changing the state laws would be very irresponsible, in my opinion. What I would have liked to hear officials say is that there are resources available to parents to help reduce the stress in their lives and offer a list of these services and support groups and community resources that are out there.

I'm a Certified Parent Educator who works with parents that have kids ranging in age from newborn (or even parents who are expecting) to teens. There are Certified Parent Educators across the country - and in many countries outside of the U.S. - wanting to help parents and families and helping them to to avoid these last minute impulses to abandon their children.

Learn how you can become an advocate for children by becoming an instructor yourself.

11 Step Program for Parents-to-Be

I have been discovering many great Moms who Twitter since joining this amazing group of women a few weeks back. Just yesterday, I found this hilarious post from Real Tech Mom and just had to share. Check out her blog and the 11 Step Program for to Complete Before Having Kids.

For many of us, we've found out - through hands on learning - what it truly is like to be a parent. As funny - and true - as this list is, I don't think anyone is ever really prepared for the changes and challenges that becoming a parent brings.

I teach one hour parenting workshops and a 15-hour course on Redirecting Children's Behavior and am amazed at all of the new and expecting parents who are eager to gain some tools and techniques to use with their children when the time comes.

Classes are scheduled in La Mesa at Java Mama and I'm pleased to announce that there will be additional workshops held in North County as well, at the Babies in Bloom boutique on the border of Oceanside and Vista.

Check out the class schedule or calendar of events for more information. I am also able to cater courses and workshops for your mom's group, PTA or at your place of employment. Contact me to set up a customized program that fits your needs and schedule.

Weekend Parenting Retreat

Here in La Jolla, the Weekend Parenting Retreat takes place over the next two days. At first, I debated whether or not to call this a retreat, but after reviewing the definition I decided that it is the perfect word for this event.

re·treat /rɪˈtrit/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ri-treet] – noun

1.	the forced or strategic withdrawal of an army or an armed force before an enemy, or the withdrawing of a naval force from action.

2.	the act of withdrawing, as into safety or privacy; retirement; seclusion.

3.	a place of refuge, seclusion, or privacy: The library was his retreat.

4.	an asylum, as for the insane.

5.	a retirement or a period of retirement for religious exercises and meditation.

7.	to withdraw, retire, or draw back, esp. for shelter or seclusion.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't see parenting the same way I view the military (although I do agree mostly with definition #4). However, in all honesty, I do believe that the withdrawal from the "enemy" is similar, emotionally, as it is to withdrawal from "the trenches" of parenthood.

Parenting is challenging. It's liberating, amazing, spiritual, uplifting and very rewarding. It's also hard work, emotionally and physically. It even affects our sexual selves (as most parents will argue).


My goal over the weekend is to help parents reduce the stress in their homes. I will accomplish this through educating them about unique strategies that have worked for many others (including myself). We will also use role play to help enhance the "usability" of these practices. And, of course, they will walk away with additional support, resources and references to refer to for years to come.

The parents that are going to be attending this weekend are fabulous parents. How do I know this? Because they're committing themselves to this Practical Parenting Program, which is an investment in both time and money. They're stepping aside from their duties as a parent, giving up their weekend to learn, support one another and renew their promise to be the best parent and/or spouse they can possibly be.

We're all trying to be the best we can be. But, we all make mistakes and have been known to make bad decisions, myself included. If we encourage one another, learn from our own - and others' - mistakes, we'll all be better off because of it. And our kids will thank us for it twenty years from now (I guarantee it).

Parenting Mistakes

I don't know who Craig Playstead is, but I agree with his every insight in regards to the 10 Big Mistakes Parents Make:

1. Spoiling Kids
2. Inadequate Discipline
3. Failing to Get Involved at School
4. Praising Mediocrity
5. Not Giving Children Enough Responsibility
6. Not Being a Good Spouse
7. Setting Unrealistic Expectations
8. Not Teaching Children to Fend for Themselves
   
9. Pushing Trends on Kids
10. Not Following Through
    

As always, with reference to the mention of spouses, I've replaced this word with the word partner since we do need to be positive role models when it comes to our adult, romantic relationships (whether we're married or not).

What mistakes have you made? I'm guilty of many of these but since learning from our mistakes can help us in the future, as well as others, I am not afraid to be the first to confess.

Peanut Allergies & Bee Stings

My son got bit by a bee the other day. It was traumatic for both of us. Our neighbors came outside to see what all the screaming was about since my son was crying and shouting, "It hurts," over and over again for what felt like me to be over ten minutes straight.

He finally calmed down completely after about 45 minutes. The remedy that seemed to actually ease the pain was a penny. That's right. Good old Abe Lincoln was pressed to his bee sting on the tip of his finger and my little boy carried the lucky penny around the rest of the day - and part of the following morning, pressed to his finger. He even slept with it that night and somehow I found it before he woke up so I could prove to him that he did, indeed, have it with him all night.

His grandmother told us about this bee sting solution and although I was a bit leery at first, it did seem to work. I don't know if there is a medical explanation for putting a copper penny next to the swelling but the ice didn't seem to help and I couldn't bare to leave his side for those agonizing few moments after the incident.

Over at Daddy's Toolbox I read his experience with his daughter's peanut allergy and how she reacted and how both he and his wife reacted. I pretty much panicked too when I first learned that my son had gotten stung. He was just outside the front door playing with his friend and neighbor. I was inside when I heard his first scream but was there at his side seconds later. A mother has the powers of a superhero (as far as speed is concerned) when those painful sounds reach her ear.

After my son calmed down enough for me to think clearly, I went to the internet to search on symptoms of allergic reactions, just in case my son started showing signs. It turns out that he is not allergic but what I read on line disturbed me for the rest of the day since I learned that sometimes it takes up to six hours for symptoms to start to appear. You can bet I was anxious and more observant than usual that night.

I have introduced my son to peanut butter so I know that this is not a concern. But how does one manage when a new diet and routine is thrown into the mix of an already stressful time with young kids in the house? Let's face it, parenting is not easy. It's challenging and exciting and full of adventures.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Peace Begins in the Home

I taught a class last night on Temperament. Actually, no one showed up so I didn't actually teach but the course was scheduled and I was there.

At Java Mama, where the class was to be held, a mom asked me what I was teaching. She commented that she should take the course when her daughter was older. "She's only fifteen months," was her response.

I gave her my card and mentioned that the class was appropriate for parents with children her daughter's age. What's interesting about her comment was that I have a feeling that most other parents feel the same way.

Waiting until your child is older sounds like a reasonable statement to make but when you're talking about days that go by so quickly, parents don't realize that they need additional support until it's much too late and they're stressed, frustrated and no longer enjoying the time they have with their little ones.

Now, with all due respect, I have a feeling that the woman I met was very well educated and will most likely head to my website, perhaps even read this post and follow up with me in regards to learning more about the services I provide.

I know nothing about the parents I meet, other than those I'm friends with or whose children are friends with my son. I judge no one and, because of my experience, I can honestly say that parenting is no easy task. There are many challenges that I face on a daily basis and I'm fairly confident that the average parent would agree.

I took parenting classes nearly two years ago when my husband and I were in the separation stage and learning to work together to parent in separate homes. I admit, there are many more issues in a situation like ours, but many couples who parent in the same home report having similar issues as far as trying to be consistent, maintain a routine and still have fun with their children as well as with one another.

I look forward to meeting new people and I am just as eager to help others who look to me for suggestions, advice, and support. All I can offer is my experience and the knowledge I've gained over the last four and a half years as a parent.

When my son was still a baby, my friends and family members who were new parents would often call me to ask my advice. When did I suddenly become an expert? I used to ask myself. Slowly, over time, I realized that none of us are experts.

We're all learning - and making things up - as we go along. Experience certainly counts for something but the more people we talk to - the more ideas we gather - the better off our families will be.

Empowering Parents

A fabulous website with articles and discussions relating to parenting children of all ages, Empowering Parents features some great posts that I am pleased to share:

• Do You Parent With Your Wallet? (Or Know Someone Who Does?)
• Video Games and Violence: What Every Parent Should Know
• The Disneyland Daddy: A Case Study
• What Teens Are Really Doing On Line
• DOs and DONTs of Divorce
• Managing the Meltdown
• Six Ways to Soar as a Single Parent

The Experienced Coach

Written by Brenda Power
Editor, Choice Literacy

My 15-year-old daughter started driver's education last month, which means driving with her over the past few weeks has been a special kind of hell for me. Dee hasn't had enough training to get her learner's permit, but she has acquired enough skills and knowledge to critique my driving...oh, pretty much every time I make a turn or pull up to a stoplight. Which would be every two to three minutes. Without fail.

The experience has made me think a lot about the role of any coach...What I've realized all over again is:

• No one likes to be coached by someone who doesn't have skills or experience with the activity being coached. Everything always looks easier from the outside.
• We can all benefit from the outside perspective of someone watching our moves closely. I am a much better driver this month than I was last month, just because some of my sloppiest habits have been pointed out to me. Repeatedly.
• We work hardest at the things we care most about. When Dee finally got her permit a week ago, I was amazed at how careful and smart she is in her driving. She eagerly asks for feedback after every drive, asks questions throughout the process, and is open to the honest analysis of her skills.

Most of all, I was reminded that those of us who coach others really need the experience periodically of learning something new, preferably something that is a true challenge. What are you planning to learn this summer? Who will be your coach?

Brenda's story about her daughter reminds me of the challenges I face when working with families. Nothing is more important to me than my family and I know the same holds true for those who enroll in my courses. I try very hard to express my opinions and points of view without being judgmental. I show my concern for parents' challenges and try to focus on what they want to achieve, what goals they plan to reach.

Being a Certified Parent Educator and teaching the courses and workshops on communication, discipline and redirecting children's behavior forces me to be more aware of the actions I take and the words I choose. I make mistakes - everyone does - and I use the lessons I learn from them to share with the parents I work with. After all, learning from my mistakes might help others to see how they can avoid making the same ones with their families.

Like Brenda, I know that the families I work with are dedicated to their children and the relationships in their lives and it only makes them stronger to ask for help when they need that extra support.

It takes a community to raise a child and I'm pleased to see the Happy Healthy Hip Parenting community growing and spreading peace between family members, friends and neighbors.

Parenting News You Can Use

This week's Parenting News You Can Use commUNITY newsletter is now available! To SUBSCRIBE to this weekly mailing, simply SEND US A NOTE and kindly provide us with information on what parenting challenges you may be facing, along with the age of your child or children.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting is dedicated to families and we look forward to working with you.

Books to Read

In my ever-growing library of books on my "To-Read" list, here are my most recent additions:

What Angry Kids Need:
Parenting Your Angry Child Without Going Mad

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child:
The Heart of Parenting


The 7 Worst Things Parents Do


Rich Dad Poor Dad:
What the Rich Teach Their Kids about Money -
That the Poor and Middle Class Do Not!


Parking Lot Rules:
75 Creative Ideas for Raising Amazing Children


The Hard Questions


Social Intelligence:
The New Science of Human Relationships


Raising Boys Without Men:
How Maverick Moms are Creating
the Next Generation of Exceptional Men

For those following, you'll see my reading interests center around parenting issues, relationships, psychology and personal growth. I'm always looking for great reads so please send along any recommendations - about these - or any other books that you feel I may want to add to my library.