Catching the Bouquet

Before I was married, I used to dread that part of the wedding reception when the single women would be called up to try to catch the bride's bouquet. I'd hesitate before standing up and slowly make my way to the back of the line.

Suddenly, now that I'm single (again) and older, I'm ready. I want it to be known that I'm single and ready to find Mr. Right.

I've been to two weddings in the last few weeks and made a point of being one of the first women to make her way up to the dance floor. I've even pushed my way to the front and reminded the brides to throw it my way.

Apparently, being open to catching a bouquet is not enough. I bawled my eyes out at the last wedding I attended. My best friend from high school got married and it was so amazing to see her up there among friends and family that I've known through her.

I met my best friend during our Freshman year of high school. She was shy. I was assigned to work with her on a class project and we've been friends ever since. Knowing her for over half of our lives allowed us both the privilege of being there to witness each other's ups and downs and in on each other's secrets and details of our past relationships.

During one of my (many) states of depression, she came to San Diego to spend the week with me. We did nothing but lay on the beach, party and sleep. It was amazing and it just proved to me that my friend would be there for me, whenever I needed her.

But where was she this past weekend? I don't think she understood the psychological elements involved in my desire to catch the bouquet. It was devastating enough that I was a "party of one" for both weddings and I now, I have nothing to show for it, no souvenirs to prove that I made it through yet another wedding without someone asking me when it'd be my turn.

Since I don't have any other weddings to look forward to, I need to think of what else I can do to ensure my luck in love and relationships. Perhaps I should go and have my palm read, or do a seance that will clear my home of any negative energy that might be left behind from my ex-husband.

Yes, many people are astonished by the fact that I still live in the same home that I shared with my husband. In fact, our house is still in his name (and mine). Perhaps it's time for a little emotional cleansing...and a change of paint color.

National Depression Screening Day

Depression hits people in different ways. Although there are several symptoms that most of us are aware of, it's difficult to see the impact when we're the ones suffering from an emotional or psychological disorder.

I've had a long history of depression and fought it for many years, self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, which only made things worse, of course.

Never was my depression so apparent then when I was dealing with the new stresses and pressures of being a new mom, trying to balance a full-time job with a newborn and having my family (my ultimate support system) so far away.

I was always the type of person who was afraid to ask for help, never wanting to admit that I couldn't do something completely on my own. I think many women feel this way, especially in regards to motherhood. After all we're built to be moms, right?

Did you know that women are twice as likely to suffer from depression as men? And, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that one in six Latina teens has seriously considered suicide (I was one of them).

Visit Mental Health Screening for a quick psychological checkup and don't be afraid to speak to your doctor if you feel you may be suffering from any of the following signs of depression:

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness: A bleak outlook, thinking that nothing will ever get better and there's nothing you can do to improve your situation.
• Loss of interest in daily activities: No interest in or ability to enjoy former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex.
• Appetite or weight changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain - a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes: Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
• Psychomotor agitation or retardation: Either feeling "keyed up" and restless or sluggish and physically slowed down.
• Loss of energy: Feeling fatigued and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting or taking longer.
• Self-loathing: Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes.
• Concentration problems: Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
  

Having read these symptoms just now, I was reminded of the occasions when my husband (at the time) berated me for being lazy and not helping him around the house (because working full-time, breast-feeding and taking care of our infant son wasn't enough).

I, of course, was suffering from postpartum depression (without either of us realizing it) but it was his statements and anger towards me that provided the fuel for those feelings of inadequacy to take over. Quickly, the state of self-loathing became the guiding force behind my motivation, or lack thereof.

It was the beginning of a downward cycle that led to concentration problems, and a combination of insomnia and hypersomnia (which I attributed to "catching up on my sleep").

As a society, we're always quick to blame outside circumstances for our emotional state when clearly, there's evidence that our internal chemistry truly has a greater effect on our psychological well-being more than anything. I should know this. I studied psychology in school and got the highest grade in my college career in my course on psychopharmacology.

And yet, I continued to ignore the symptoms and did not seek the help I truly needed. It finally took my husband leaving me to realize that I needed to do something, quickly, or my son might have eventually been taken away from me. There's nothing like the threat of losing your child to put things into perspective.

I am not shy about my past and I don't blame others for my actions, or my current situation. I hold myself responsible for letting the symptoms of depression control me and from keeping me from being the best mom and wife I could be.

Looking back, I have to say that my husband made the best decision he could, under the circumstances. I was forced to stand on my own two feet in every way, and I am a much stronger, emotionally balanced and content individual for getting through it. But I'm far from past it. It's following close behind, like a shadow that can never escape from the sun.

My heart goes out to anyone who has ever suffered from depression or has witnessed someone they love going through this emotional roller coaster that takes over every aspect of their life.

I cannot stress enough the importance for women - especially after giving birth - to reach out for emotional support, write about your thoughts and feelings and to not be afraid to ask for help.

It is equally important for all of you husbands and fathers to be aware of the emotional needs of your wife or the mother of your child and allow her the freedom and opportunity to share her thoughts and complaints (without you feeling the need to step in and fix things), and to allow her the opportunity to get out of the house and encourage her to do so, alone, and often.

Save the Males

I came across a blog post which caused me to think about feminism in a different way and how it has affected men in our society.

I found myself in complete agreement with most of the issues raised by Kathleen Peterson, blogger over at The Intellectual Insurgent. In her discussion, Kathleen mentions several books, including Save the Males: Why Men Matter Why Women Should Care, by Kathleen Parker. Parker discusses how the feminist movement in America has created enemies out of the opposite sex instead of its original intent to create equality.

Other books she mentions include Unprotected, by Miriam Grossman, a psychiatrist at UCLA Student Psychological Services and advocate for youth and urging others in her field (as well as parents and educators) to empower young men and women by speaking truthfully about sexuality and gender roles (and stereotypes) instead of talking to them in politically correct ways that don't benefit them as patients or respect them as individuals.

She also refers to Prude: How the Sex-Obsessed Culture Damages Girls (and America, Too!), a book by Carol Platt Libeau.

I encourage you to head over to Kathleen's blog for more, but I do want to point out something that she said that completely held true, in my opinion:

Our cultural assumption that men only want sex has been as damaging to them as to the women they target. Here is how a recent graduate summed it up to me: “Hooking up is great, but at some point you get tired of everything meaning nothing.”

Ultimately, what our oversexualized, pornified culture reveals is that we think very little of our male family members. Undergirding the culture that feminism has helped to craft is a presumption that men are without honor and integrity. What we offer men is cheap, dirty, sleazy, manipulative sensation. What we expect from them is boorish, simian behavior that ratifies the anti-male sentiment that runs through the culture.

Being the mother of a young boy has made me realize how important it is for us as parents to educate our children (male or female) about respect, equality and once and for all, getting rid of the stereotypes that surround us as individuals.

If you're looking for a way to introduce the idea of equality to young people and allowing children at a young age to understand the concept of respect, admiration, and how truly attractive these qualities are, I highly recommend that you read Singing to the Sun, by Vivian French.

A modern twist to a classic fairy tale, this picture book uses the Princess Bride concept and allows for the lead characters (one male, the other female) to evolve and provide readers of all ages the opportunity to seek the same.

Dating Experiment

It wasn't until I read Cindy Lu's The Four Man Plan that I realized that dating is a science. She clearly demonstrates, with her own examples and examples of others' personal experiences, how the idea of dating changes drastically when you look at it as an experiment as opposed to a chore.

Many people, particularly in my situation (divorced, parent & thirty-something) have negative views of dating at this stage in our lives. Recently, thanks to Cindy and her brutal assessment of my dating past and how I need to change in order to have relationship success, I have signed myself up over at eHarmony. That's right. I am now involved in an on line dating site, which is much more involved than I had ever thought.

I heard of many people meeting through this particular site and marrying. I was always skeptical of dating sites and hesitated when I discovered the cost involved in putting my profile on line for all the eHarmony men to see.

Over the last few weeks, I've discovered more about myself and my wants and needs than ever before. The personality profile and the questions you are asked to answer told me a lot about how others perceive me and the positive and negative impressions that I may leave with others.

Through a series of question and answers sent back and forth in a program called Guided Communication, you are able to really delve deeper into a person's values, beliefs, lifestyle and personality.

While it's important to be attracted to someone's profile pictures, the next step and those beyond, really allow you to get to know someone pretty intimately before ever deciding if you want to pursue a relationship or even a first date.

I'm not trying to sell the site to anyone, in fact, I'd be pretty embarrassed if any one of my readers just so happened to come across my profile on the site, but I do plan on updating my progress here as I get to know some pretty amazing people, whether or not we end up dating in "real life."

Wish me luck!

ADHD

I know little about ADHD other than what media reports about the increase of young people diagnosed with this "disorder." Growing up, I don't think this term was in existence, at least not that I was aware of.

My son is only 4 1/2 and not at risk, I don't think, for ADHD, but it doesn't hurt to be aware of the symptoms and learn a little more about it since, chances are, either he or someone he knows will be diagnosed with ADHD over the coming years.

I discovered a great article this morning, courtesy of Your Total Health, which included some facts that might help parents and teachers that work with young children.

• 19 Facts About ADHD
• Managing ADHD: A Parent's Guide to Success
• A Guide to ADHD Medications

I'd love to hear from readers who have children that have been diagnosed with ADHD or if you are an adult living with ADHD yourself. We all learn from each other so I'd like to know what your biggest challenges have been and what we can learn from your experience.

The Importance of Play

How much time do you set aside each day for play? No matter what your age - or the age of your children - play is vital to your health and longevity. With technology and medical research helping people to live longer than ever before, staying young at heart is just as important as staying physically fit.

Six types of play are outlined in the PsyBlog article that I recently discovered:

1. Unoccupied Play
2. Solitary Play
3. Onlooker Play
4. Parallel Play
5. Associate Play
6. Cooperative Play

"Through play children learn and practice many basic social skills. They develop a sense of self, learn to interact with other children, how to make friends, how to lie and how to role-play."

According to Mildred Parten, from the Institute of Child Development in Minnesota, "Learning to play is learning how to relate to others."

Read more on play and how children learn to work together.

Child, Sleep and Single Parents

What do these three things have in common: Children, Sleep and Single Parents.

Well, let's just say that single parents *most likely* get less sleep than parents with partners. I'm speculating here but I'd love to know what you think about this and the following articles:

• 50% of Foster Kids are On Psychiatric Medications (The statistics they point to in this article are based only on reports from the state of Texas. I think this has much more to say about the programs run in that state than anything else...Can anyone point to stats on children in other states or nationally?)
  

• Problems with Sleep Deprivation (I swear I didn't write in for this, but this easily could've been me as it describes me perfectly, and why I'm writing this at three in the morning.)

• Will Companies Discriminate Against Children of Single Parents? (It frustrates me that the person writing this - and many others, I'm sure - assume that 'single parent' means parenting alone. I'm a single parent (aka not married) but my son's father is equally involved - if not more so than the stereotypical dad. But I don't generalize like the author of this article has.)
  

For more articles relating to psychology, visit the Alltop directory.

Discover: Science, Technology and the Future

I'm continually finding new resources for articles and issues relating to psychology, biology and science. It seems there's always more to Discover:

• Fearless Mothers
• Do Brothers Make you Gay?
• The Biology Behind Sex in the City
• Why Loneliness is Bad for You
• Mind Over Moods
• Map: High School Hook Ups
• Autism: It's Not Just in the Head
• Vital Signs: Misdiagnosing ADHD
• Babies Who Beat AIDS
  

Temperament

Since I'm teaching a parenting workshop this summer on Temperament, I've been looking into resources and information to help me prepare. I'm teaching this same course in two different locations, one in Vista, the other in La Mesa.

While the course will help parents identify nine different temperaments and teach them skills to manage them, there is always need to point out real life discussions and articles that focus on this same topic.

According to a study conducted at the University of Chicago, the temperament of an infant can predict future behavior (and behavior problems). The findings of this study, published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, claim "that interventions focusing on parenting during the first year of life would be beneficial in preventing future child conduct problems."

Take this online quiz to learn a bit more about your child's temperament and your reaction to his or her personality.

Personality Lab

Want to learn more about yourself or your child? Take the personality questionnaires from Personality Lab:

Understand Your Child

Parents, complete this child personality test to better understand your son or daughter. The questionnaire can be used to describe a young child, teen, or adult.

Understand Yourself

Complete this questionnaire to learn about your own personality. The feedback provided by this test is applicable to people of all ages.

Deal With It

How do you handle unexpected problems that pop up in life? What about successes? Take this test to learn about your coping styles.

The Close Relationship Quiz

Are you always worried about your relationships, or do they rarely cross your mind? Do you hold others close to you, or do you push them away? Complete this personality quiz and learn more about your relationship style.

Are You a Decider?

Who’s the decider in your house? What about at work, or in the community? Do you make the decisions, or is someone else really in charge? The results may surprise you. Find out if you – or your spouse – has a “decider” personality by taking this quiz!

My Life Goals

Fame? Fortune? Love? What are the life goals that are most important to you? Find out by completing this survey.

Find Your Hogwarts House

Harry Potter fans, have you ever wondered where the sorting hat would place you? Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin: Complete this personality test and find out! Based on the Understand Yourself test.

The Sims Personality Test

What's your virtual personality: Neat freak? Couch potato? Socialite? Take this test and get scored on each of the five personality dimensions used in The Sims and The Sims 2.

Can't get enough quizzes? Visit Your Personality for more.

Hopeless Romantic

I discovered this quiz on the Psychology Today website. Here is my result:

According to your score, you are a bit of a hopeless romantic. Rose petals, poignant poetry, tall glasses of wine, touching moments, and sweet words are all loving gestures that you enjoy receiving as well as offering. Romance is fairly important to you, and likely an aspect that you consider fundamental in relationships. Keep in mind however, that problems may arise if you are with someone who really isn’t the romantic type. If you look forward to Valentine's Day to express your love and your partner doesn't even acknowledge it as a special day, you might end up feeling neglected or your efforts unappreciated. Nevertheless, even if your partner isn't as romantically inclined as you are, try to be appreciative of his/her efforts when she/he does try to woo you. Some people aren’t comfortable displaying their affection in screamingly obvious ways, but this doesn’t mean that they don’t care – they simply prefer to be more subtle.

" You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love. " - Henry Drummond

" Romance is about the little things. " - Gregory J. Godeck

" Romance, like the rabbit at the dog track, is the elusive, fake, and never attained reward which, for the benefit and amusement of our masters, keeps us running and thinking in safe circles. " - Beverly Jones

" When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. " - Oscar Wilde

Jam Session

Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle (two of my favorite actors) team up in the 2007 drama, Reign Over Me. The movie is quite intense and focuses on Charlie Fineman, played by Sandler, who lost his wife and daughters in the 9/11 disaster.

The college roommates Fineman and Alan Johnson (Cheadle) reunite after several years, and after Johnson, a popular (with the ladies) dentist, learns of his friend's loss and tries to reach out to him.

The best part of the film is witnessing the chemistry between the two as it pulls Fineman back to reality and draws Johnson out of his shell.


In one scene, the two main characters jam together and look as though they have a good time with one another, both in front of and behind the cameras. I discovered a true jam session between the two with hilarious lyrics as sung by Charlie and Alan.

I highly recommend this film to those interested in human nature or who simply enjoy a touching, tear-jerker. This one serves as a gentle reminder to live each day as though it were our last.