Tainted Love

Today is Friendship Day, which takes place on the first Sunday of August each year, so I'd like to take a moment to share a story about what I've learned this last week about friendship and why - at thirtysomething - I'm just now figuring it all out.

If you're a regular to my blog, or follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you'll know that I spent last weekend in Chicago for the annual BlogHer conference. I drove out to Denver to pick up Sugar Jones and from there we hauled serious ass getting to Chicago early on the 23rd.

The hotel room at the Sheraton was under my roommate's name, but since I got to Chicago before her, I was able to check in but only by providing them with a credit card. Which. I. Do. Not. Have.

I had mentioned to my rommate, before leaving for Chicago, that I had cash to give her since the room was going to be charged to her credit card, but when I checked in, I gave them my debit card, from the checking account which had just enough money for gas and food for our trip home.

My roommate arrived once the parties were already in full swing. I had already stopped downstairs at the Social Lux party, made a new friend, tried to crash the Obama event, and was in the lobby for the Room 704 party when my roommate found me and asked for the room key. This is when I told her that I had checked in and asked her to stop by the front desk to give them her credit card.

We had different schedules throughout the weekend and, because she was pregnant and woke up with a migraine one morning, I was trying to be especially kind and stayed out of her way. I gave her the cash for my half of the room on Saturday - assuming - of course, that she had gone down to the front desk at some point over the weekend to provide them with her credit card for the room charges.

Saturday night (BowlHer) she called me and asked me if it was OK if a friend of hers spent the night in our room since they were on the same flight the following day. They had to be at the airport early and since her friend was staying at another hotel, she wanted to save money by having her stay with us so that they could avoid the extra taxi fare in the morning.

I'm too kind (or stupid), because instead of asking for money for the extra body in our room, I simply gave up my room that night. I ended up staying with my new friend and yes, perhaps was a little selfish since I spent the night away so I wouldn't be woken up by the two of them packing and getting ready to leave in the morning.

Because I didn't stay in my room, I wasn't able to charge my phone and the battery died some time in the middle of the night. When I woke up, I charged it, only to learn that my roommate had tried calling me.

This is when she informed me that the room had been charged to my card. My debit card. From the checking account that only had enough funds for gas and food for our trip home. I panicked. I called her back immediately but was only able to talk to her long enough for her to cut me off and tell me that she couldn't talk because she was going to miss her flight.

I was furious. Not only was she aware of the fact that the room was charged to my card, but she walked out of the hotel with the cash I gave her. Let's do the math here: I gave her cash for my half of the room. The entire hotel bill was charged to my card and I DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH FUNDS to cover it.

And this is when the Blind Anger kicks in because I cannot recall the details clearly after that but I do know that I tried calling her back to see if she could call the hotel and give them her credit card. She then informed me let that they couldn't charge her card without having her present to sign for it.

I asked her to send me the money via paypal and explained to her that I did not have any money to get us back home. I didn't hear back from her though because she was on her way to the airport and boarding her plane back home.

Chicago would not be the same without visiting Navy Pier but even that was difficult for me to enjoy since I wore out the battery on my phone checking my email every 10 minutes looking for the confirmation from Paypal regarding the payment that my roommate claimed was on its way.

Mamikaze was walking around Navy Pier as well so we walked and talked together, and later that night, I was able to enjoy a *very inexpensive dinner* with Sugar Jones and Shash at the World Famous Billy Goat Tavern and the two of them helped me keep my mind off of my lame-ass roommate and reminded me of how priceless it is to have great friends to laugh and chat with.

We ended up leaving late that evening, after my roommate let me know that her husband had sent payment (for the hotel room PLUS the cash I gave her) to my Paypal account. I was relieved even though I knew that it would take a few days to get the funds.

Wrong. On the road, after using my debit card to fill up the Equiox with gas, I discovered that she had sent the payment as an eCheck, which of course takes 3-5 days to clear. I already have an anxiety disorder, so this just kicked it into high gear as I literally had to put it out of my mind and concentrated on the ride home.

Sugar Jones was a little annoyed that I was in such a foul mood, so we drove and drove, sleeping in the car that night just outside St. Louis since we no longer had funds to spend on a motel room.

We straight through the following day, stopping only for gas and enjoying coffee and Rockstar energy drinks which, as scary as it sounds, prevented us from eating as often (and therefore saving us money).

We picked up Sugar's kids outside of Albuquerque the following night and I cried myself to sleep, missing my son who I was away from for a total of 9 days and for the mistakes, misunderstandings and missteps I took in regards to the money and hotel room.

The eCheck from Paypal cleared on Friday, July 30th. I got the email saying that the funds were now available in my Paypal account, but it still takes another 2 - 4 days to transfer the funds into my checking account. As of this post, the funds are still not in my account. (Trust me, I've been monitoring my account several times a day since last Sunday.)

My son and I have been trying to enjoy the last five days together, but I admit the situation has caused me to be a bit more impatient and irritable, bringing me to tears on several occasions and unfortunately, my son even heard me yelling - and swearing - when my roommate called to try and "work things out."

What I've learned through everything that has happened since arriving in Chicago, and may be something that only those who attended BlogHer can truly understand, is that friends are not simply those that show up for your birthday party or who send you pictures of their families during the holidays.

Friends that I have made online have truly been the most genuine, giving and sincere people that I could hope to know. I had the pleasure of meeting many of them in person last week and there were several people I met last week that I look forward to connecting with online and hopefully again in person at future conferences.

Today is Friendship Day and if you've read this far, you'll understand why I need to say thank you. Thank you for supporting me, listening to my side of the story, backing me up and for offering to send me money during this rough time. I truly could not ask for anything more.

Oh, and one more thing: My anxiety disorder does cause me to deal with things in unusual ways, so my roommate was right. It does totally suck that I got charged overdraft fees each and every time we stopped for gas or ate on the 2,000 mile trip home. And I too am truly sorry that this has occurred.

Road to the White House

With the Obama Inauguration just a few days from today, I thought it was perfect timing to mention the great book series written by Mitali Perkins, called First Daughter. In the first book, Extreme American Makeover, Sameera Righton, the only daughter of Republican Presidential candidate, James Righton, is asked by her father's campaign staff, to reinvent herself.

Actually, she's being reinvented by them no matter how she feels about it. With the new clothes, make-up, hair styles and even a new blog written by a paid ghost-writer, her new All-American image is supposed to help boost her father's image despite the fact that Sparrow (as her family refers to her) is asked to subtly remove her true identity from the campaign.

Luckily, Sparrow has her own blog and even though it's only read by a few dozen inside her inner circle, it provides her with great freedom and a chance to express herself and get the love and support she needs to deal with a media campaign that's testing her and her family on a daily basis.

Sparrow is like most 17-year-olds, which is what made this story so realistic and her voice so appealing. No, most teenagers you know were probably not born in Pakistan, or adopted or have parents in the political forefront. But what does hold true is that both Sparrow and others around that age do a lot of soul searching to find their own voice that is both genuine and confident, holding on to the values, culture and beliefs that make them so unique.

Many young people, whether they're in front of the camera or not, go through a sort of crisis of identity, somewhere between being a child and becoming an adult. These 'tween years can be a challenge to everyone, parent and child.

This book is recommended for anyone dealing with someone at this stage (parent, 'tween, or teacher) since it is a wonderfully written, insightful story that deals with friendship, first crushes, politics, culture, religion, family and remaining true to oneself, despite the outside forces that tend to influence us.

The second book in the series, White House Rules, marks the beginning of Sparrow's life as a First Daughter. Will she be able to maintain her identity and her friendships as life as the President's Daughter keeps her pampered, protected and living a fairy tale lifestyle? She may need a disguise to help her survive the next four years.

Luckily, Malia and Sasha Obama are young enough to enjoy the pleasures of childhood as they move into the White House and start their new life in Washington D.C. I look forward to seeing the First Daughters grow up and find their own voices. I may even start to search for blogs written by them from behind the scenes.

Half-Full or Half-Empty

This year, with the economy being a major issue and people's wallets feeling lighter, I want to teach my son what it means to be conservative with our spending and how it doesn't have to negatively affect our lifestyle. I want him to know that fun can still be had without having to spend money and that we can create memories that will last longer than most of his toys.

My son's birthday falls between Christmas and New Year's which is always a challenging time to schedule a birthday party. This year, my ex-husband decided to plan a party and has put everything together on his own.

If it were up to me, I wouldn't have a birthday party this year. I'd pick some fabulous activity to do with my son - and my parents who are visiting - such as taking him to see the Walking with Dinosaurs experience that I know will keep him glued to the edge of his seat. Sure, we can still do both.

But, in order to get across to my son the impact of the financial stress that everyone is having to deal with - on some level - I was hoping to include on our invitations that no presents are necessary. I think having his friends' presence, instead, would be much more meaningful. After all, I know five months from now my son won't remember which toy he received from whom but he will remember who was there to celebrate his special day.

I expressed all of these ideas to my ex-husband. We typically get along great, sharing in our son's life as much as possible and communicating often so that we're aware of what's going on in school and at each other's homes.

This morning I touched a nerve when I requested that our son invite each of the children from his class. He's been having difficulty getting along with one boy, in particular, and he mentioned that he didn't want to invite him to the party.

Working with families and helping parents and educators deal with children who are going through a challenging period makes me more sensitive to those who have trouble communicating and expressing their emotions. I know that this is the type of child that my son wants to exclude from his party but I would hate to see that happen.

My ex-husband feels otherwise. He thinks it's perfectly acceptable to exclude this boy from the celebration. We argued about it and I tried to explain my position but ended up in tears. I was trying to defend myself while my son's father yelled and belittled me. He claims that I am choosing another child over my own and that if we invite this boy and he ruins our son's party that he will hold me personally accountable and will never forgive me. He even went so far as to say that he hopes our son never puts his trust in me. Ouch.


I hesitated to blog about this, at first, but after venting on Facebook and receiving some positive feedback, I want more. I want to know if perhaps I'm in the wrong here. Perhaps I should exclude this boy and "punish him" (my ex-husband's choice of words) for being a bully.

My argument was that he would be even more of a bully if he were to find out he was the only one not invited to the party when he's already feeling isolated by the children who verbally express their unwillingness to play with him or be his friend.

Let me also say that these kids are 4 and 5 years old. They're just now learning how to communicate, how to work together and how to get along. They're still figuring things out. I want to give this boy the benefit of the doubt. I want to give him another chance to make things right and include him, regardless of his actions and behavior from the past.

I was taught to treat others like we want to be treated, to turn the other cheek and to forgive and forget. I want to pass down these same lessons to my son but suddenly I'm feeling unsure, doubting my decisions and my parenting skills. As someone who works with parents, this is not a good thing to be experiencing.

What is your opinion of this situation? How would you feel if you were a parent of a child excluded from a birthday party? How would you explain to your own child why it's important to love, unconditionally? Is it too late to get the point across to an adult who typically sees the glass as half-empty?

Giving Thanks

This year, I'm grateful for:

My son - He's nearly five and he is becoming such a mature young man. He makes me laugh on a regular basis and inspires me to be the best mom I can possibly be. I'm so proud of him and all he's learning and accomplishing.

My son's teachers - There are many teachers who work with my son on a weekly basis. From the two teachers in his classroom, to the Spanish, Art, Music, PE and Enrichment classes, these amazing educators put so much time and energy into each and every child that they teach.

My parents - My mom and dad are always there for me when I need them. They've flown out to San Diego so many times since my son was born that I couldn't possibly pay them back for all the miles and airport adventures they've experienced on our behalf. They're flying out again in mid-December and I couldn't be more thrilled to have them here for both Christmas and my son's 5th birthday.

My sister - She's put up with me for years and still manages to listen, offer advice and know me better than anyone ever could. She's a great mom, a super-cool aunt, a wonderful friend, fabulous wife, and an amazing massage therapist!

My ex-husband - He's put up with my moods and listened to my opinions whether he's agreed with me or not (mostly not). He's always there for our son and helps me out when I truly need it. He's a fantastic father and I love seeing my son's face light up when he gets dropped off at his dad's house or when he gets picked up from mine.

My co-workers - These are the women I see on a daily basis. They've seen me through a wedding, pregnancy and supported me through my divorce. They have truly become great friends and mentors who have guided me in my career and helped me in "real" life.

My colleagues - For providing emotional support, offering suggestions and allowing me to do the same.

My clients - For trusting me with their parenting issues and allowing me to work closely with their families and recommending me to other moms and dads.

My readers - I'm truly grateful for my readers, who loyally visit the sites I write at (here, Intent, and the Examiner) and leave comments, provide great feedback and share my site with others.

My friends - For those who follow me on Twitter, Facebook, or who know me in the offline world, I could not have gotten through the last few years without them, especially those who listened to me bitch, complain and allowed me to share my random thoughts at wee hours in the morning.

What and who are you thankful for this year? If you have a blog, add yours to the I am Thankful Meme, hosted by Mommy Community.

Happy Healthy Hip Parents

I've been a Mom for just under five years. There should be a celebration for parents when we reach that milestone.

Among family, friends, colleagues and clients, I know some pretty amazing Moms and Dads. Many of us don't get the recognition that we deserve for our sleepless nights, endless worries and countless miles of carpooling our drooling, crying, adorable kids from doctor's appointments to soccer practice, play dates to birthday parties.

Most parents may not think of themselves worthy of a Parent of the Year award, but they're definitely Happy Healthy Hip Parents 24/7.

High school friends I've been reacquainted with online, parents who blog while their kids are at school (or sleeping), and friends who I've met at play dates and Mommy's groups, will be highlighted here over the next few weeks.

I look forward to sharing their stories and giving props to parents who raise happy, healthy, hip kids - one of the most rewarding jobs you could ever have.

Community Members

I celebrated the one year anniversary of this blog not that long ago and I'm amazed at how quickly things have evolved for me and how many wonderful people I have met along over the last twelve months.

People often ask me how I find the time to write and how I find the content to include. I read articles about parenting, blog posts about children, and I receive newsletters that inspire me as well as discovering people through our connections on line, whether it be through LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace or from reading the comments left on the blogs that I read and simply clicking through and making new friends in the process.

There are several people I have met that I'd like to introduce my community members to. One, in particular, is a woman named Cathy Northcutt who I spent yesterday afternoon with. She's a wonderful example of Passionate Parenting and has inspired me to take my company in new directions and I applaud her efforts of using her experience as a Life Coach and mother of two to inspire others to explore their opportunities through insight and support.

Cathy and I met through our connection with the RCB Team of Certified Parent Educators here in San Diego. She too, taught at the RCB conference and sat in on my class about The Birds & the Bees.

She does many wonderful things which I will highlight in future posts, such as her journal entitled Who Am I? (which I'll be reviewing soon), but the one thing I can't wait to share is her weekly Telegathering which is held every Tuesday night.

Join in the Passionate Parent Coaching Call which is free (other than the long-distance phone call to dial in). During the first half of the sixty-minute session, Cathy will discuss a specific parenting issue, such as teaching self-control, handling sibling rivalry, or balancing work & family. The second half of the session will be open for questions.

I plan on being there this, and every, Tuesday night so I encourage you to visit Cathy's website, learn more about her, whether or not you're ready for a Life Coach, or get to know yourself better by answering the questions she provides.

Be sure to RSVP for the Tuesday night Coaching Call and please let Cathy know that you heard about her here. Once you confirm that you'll be calling in, she'll provide you with the phone number and access code. I'll see you on the call Tuesday, October 7th at 8:30pm (PST).

To learn more about her services and retreats by visiting her site:
www.CathyNorthcutt.com

My New Gig

I've been asked to write the blog at my son's new school this year to get the parents and community excited about the Annual Fund that raises money to keep the school going.

I enjoy writing. In fact, it's my first love. My mom taught me how to read before I started kindergarten and around that same time, I began typing short stories on her typewriter and have grown up with a passion for the written word.

As I've grown - and evolved - so has my passion for writing. From poetry to fiction, erotica to my current interest in non-fiction, I've been expanding my horizons for three decades now, moving from one writing project to another.

I'm pleased and honored to have the opportunity to write in yet another capacity, even if it is for a select audience like the parents at my son's school. Even though my son's just beginning his "career" at this school in Pre-K, the children he's in class with every day are going to be his friends for life, or at least that's my hope for him. The school is an independent school and will go through the 8th grade so he will literally grow up with these same kids.

I look forward to sharing my thoughts and inspirations with the parents at school. Hopefully, I'll be able to continue to juggle all of the responsibilities in my life. I have trouble saying no and this project was no exception. I do feel, however, that my belief in the school and my passion for children and families will be a contagious force that continues to help our community grow.

Single Parents Connection on Facebook

I joined Facebook back in July, when I attended the Professional Publishing Course at Stanford University. My colleagues from different parts of the world insisted that I join and needless to say, it was a wise decision to finally participate in this networking site for adults.

Unlike MySpace (a circus in comparison), Facebook has clean pages and fun applications that let your contacts know a little more about you and allow you to customize your pages or upload photos, an RSS feed from your blog - or anyone else's - and chat with those who you are networking with by adding them as a friend.
David, over at Dad's House, invited me to join the Single Parents Connection group not that long ago. I was thrilled that he and Rachel - of Single Mom Seeking - put together this group of bloggers who all chat about life as a single parent.

If you're a single parent, you won't want to miss out on this opportunity to connect with others who know exactly what you're going through.

Happy Being Single

It's interesting to see how single women and men, with or without children, seem to always be questioned about their relationship status. My friends from college joined me last night for drinks. There were five us there and each of us had quite a unique situation going on in our lives and each one of us was perfectly content with the way things are going.

I chat an awful lot about my personal relationships so readers know that I'm content being single, and am still having many of my needs met from different sources in my life. Let me share with you the status of the four friends that were at my table.

One friend is married. He has a toddler and Baby #2 on the way. Another friend is engaged and getting ready to start her life in a new city with her future husband. Another friend is preparing for her wedding next year. They have been together for about a decade and have a son together. They've been living as a married couple for many years but are making it official next summer. And last, but certainly not least, there was a friend there who is also single. He has no children, has never been married and is not dating anyone at the moment.

Each one of our situations and experiences are quite unique. Each one of us is pretty honest and open about the way our lives have turned out and brought us to the place we are now. I am so pleased that we have been able to keep in touch and that we all make time to get together every once in a while to catch up.

Since my single friend and I had much in common - between people asking us about marriage and whether or not we'll settle down with anyone and questions about kids and whether or not we see babies in our future, I decided to talk to him about being single.

The two of us continued the conversation after the others at the table went home. He and I discussed how satisfied we are with our lives right now and the idea that somehow every one is meant to have a life partner doesn't quite work for us.

I think that, for me, I was always meant to be alone. And being alone no longer equates to loneliness. I admit, there are times I feel lonely and yearn for people who are far away, or miss having someone to wake up with each morning, but for the most part, I enjoy single life.

I like dating and getting to know people and having them in my life for certain periods of time and for different reasons. I am not actively looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with or be a dad figure to my son. I would be perfectly happy if I were in the same position by the time I turn forty.

There is one thing that I do think about changing with regards to my family. I would like to have a second child someday. Perhaps even a third. Do I start trying to conceive now so my son would be five when I have the second, or do I wait until a man comes along that is willing to help me raise a child?

Many men, and women, choose to be single parents from day one. There's a term for them. They're called intentionally single parents and while I don't think I would ever label myself this way if I did decide to raise another baby on my own, I do think that there needs to be more support for these types of families.

I think I'll throw it out there to the men in my life, the fact that I want to have another baby someday. Actually, most of them already know that I wouldn't mind having a second. What I don't think I've shared with them is that I wouldn't mind taking on that job solo. I wonder how many men would be willing to be a donor, willing to help me make this happen while being able to step aside and let me play Mom one more time.

What do you think? Is this a selfish decision that one makes or is this me craving a baby because I'm spending time this week with my 8 week old nephew? The jury's still out on what will happen next and I don't like living in absolutes. I'd be curious to know what readers think.

Proud Mama

Michael Phelps has made history with his 8 Gold Medals and a World Record. One medal after the other...

What's amazing to me is the fact that, not only was Michael diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but he was also raised (along with his two sisters) by a single mom.

This isn't unusual, really. Tom Cruise, Bill Clinton, and Bill Cosby were raised by single moms. Even Barack Obama was brought up in a single parent home.

What bothers me is that there's many different definitions of "single mom," and it's usually one that is the complete opposite of who I am.

I admit, my son's father and I went through a stressful and drawn-out divorce (due to me and my bitterness), but now, we get along great and I don't know what I'd do without his support. My son is with his dad right now, thousands of miles away. My son's father is more involved than many dads. We're lucky to have him.

Yes, I'm a single mom, which - to me - means that I am single and I am a mom. Nothing in those two words hint at whether or not there is a father figure in my son's life but, there is. My son has many men in his life that act as positive role models for him. Right now, my son is spending 8 days with his dad on the East Coast, while I teach a parenting course and visit my family and friends back home.

I get to meet my sister's youngest son (only 8 weeks old) for the first time today. I'm thrilled to finally meet him and spend the week spoiling him and his older brother. I haven't blogged about it much or talked about it only because it's difficult for me to be so far away but it gets easier as time goes by since I have so much to focus on, besides how quickly time flies by...while I'm having fun.

I am also going to spend time with my friends from college, meet my best friend's (from high school) fiance, and, of course, get caught up in my reading - both on line and in print.

I look forward to sharing my travel experiences here so stay tuned for stories from the Midwest, where people are known for being real, honest and sincere. Minnesota Nice. I can't wait to be back home.

Book Review - The Four Man Plan

The Four Man Plan:
A Romantic Science

by Cindy Lu

A friend introduced me to the idea behind this book so I had to pick up a copy just to see what the heck she was talking about. I couldn't put it down once I started reading it and interestingly enough, I realized that I've been implementing The Four-Man Plan (with slight modifications) my entire dating career.

Cindy Lu's no scientist. She's not a doctor and she's not a math whiz, either. But one thing that can be said for her is that she is courageous in talking so openly about her past relationships, the mistakes she made along the way, and sharing her discovery that the best way to form a healthy relationship is to be honest, open, and willing to forgive yourself first.

This book will speak to women (or gay men) of all ages and stages: from those of us who have been married before and want to rediscover dating - and how it's done these days - to those who have been single for a long time and no longer want to be alone.

Put your feet up and enjoy your beverage of choice when reading this book. You'll laugh out loud, find yourself nodding in agreement and asking yourself why you ever dated what's-his-name, all while discovering a new way to look at love and relationships with this outrageously inventive way to enjoy dating once again.

www.thefourmanplan.com

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All You Need is Love

Since the beginning of the year, I've discovered that three of my friends from high school and college are getting married this year. Babies and weddings. I've got a lot to look forward to in 2008 so I'm on the look out for ways to help spread the joy. Here are just a few resources for companies who produce beautiful announcements and invitations.

Stuffed

One of my favorite Kane/Miller books is Dougal the Garbage Dump Bear by Matt Dray of Australia. It's a photographic collection of stuffed animals and a tale of what happens to them when they get tossed in the dump. Not that you or I would actually throw these plush, stuffed or slightly-worn toys in the garbage, since there are several places that accept these gently-used and much-loved buddies to pass along to others who could use them.

The Salvation Army
Project Night Night
Stuffed Animals for Emergencies (SAFE)

These organizations were listed in the November issue of Wondertime magazine, a wonderful resource for parents.

It Takes a Village

I am not the first one in my circle to have a baby (OK, my son is technically not a baby - he turns 4 at the end of the month), but I am the first among us - that I'm aware of - to become a Certified Parent Educator.

In no way does that mean that I am certified to actually be a parent. Anyone can do that. That's the easy part: creating a child, bringing him or her into the world. The challenge comes afterwards and the more verbal and active the little beings become, the bigger the challenge.

One of my best girlfriends contacted me recently for some helpful words of wisdom. You see, with my son (and high-conflict divorce) I've pretty much dealt with every possible parenting issue under the sun. The fact that my sister (whose son is 18 months younger than mine) and my friend who is ten years older than me (give or take) come to me with questions regarding their little ones and the ages and stages that they're in gives me strength and encouragement that I hope I am able to reflect back to them.

That I've been there, done that, proves nothing except for the fact that we all - as parents - must go through the same things, exactly the same things. Whether our kids hit, bite, talk back, or repeat something we've said, our children will still continue look to us for advice, guidance and for our unconditional love and support.

Now, I can't speak for all parents, but I know that there are certainly days when I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and wonder how on earth I could possibly survive another day with the energetic bundle of bones that is jumping on me, screaming and crying loud enough to wake the neighbors (and still somehow manage to make me smile through it all).

Those are the days - and nights - when I wonder how I will possibly get to work (and function) on little or no sleep. Then there are the times when I wish I could play hooky, when I wish I could just sit up all night and watch my little guy sleep (and listen to what he says while he's dreaming).

Having a child is the most rewarding, life-altering and life-enhancing experience. I only have one (so far) and while there are those who struggle to bring a baby into this world, and those who simply choose not to even try, I must admit that having a child was not my choice.

What I mean is that, for a brief period of time, I thought I would never have kids. Then I got pregnant, unexpectedly, in college, and lost the baby just a few months later. I lost more than my unborn child that day and it took me a long time - years, in fact - to finally come to the realization that life does what it will with us.

I ended up moving to San Diego after the miscarriage, meeting my son's father, getting married, and creating our beautiful child together before moving on and separating our lives and dividing our time.

I could dwell on the negative aspects of all of this, like the fact that my son cries himself to sleep quite often, always missing the other parent, but instead, I choose to look at the positive things that my son is getting from this experience of moving back and forth between two worlds.

He is loved. He is challenged. He is learning to adjust, learning to live under different sets of rules, habits and climates. He is growing to love each of us for our strengths and despite our weaknesses. Our ability to apologize (profusely) and ask for forgiveness enables our son to see the ups and downs of life, the best and worst of people.

Life leads us in many different directions. Some may seem predictable, some come to us as a complete surprise. Parenthood is like that too. We should all be so lucky. And we should all be lucky to have friends and family to turn to - for advice, a shoulder to cry on, or to brag about our little one's achievements.

I feel honored that my girlfriends come to me for any number of these things. I love sharing the horror stories of parenthood with them - along with the mommy moments that make us proud. I am proud of all the Mommies in my life - especially my own - for teaching me to be a better parent.

The Wicked Witch of the West

Throughout the Denver Broncos game last night, and during the entire half-time, the TV screen kept flashing with updates about the evacuated areas in Southern California due to the growing winds that kept the nearby fires spreading.

I had a flashback to 4 years ago to the date - just about - when I was six months pregnant with my son, and my ex-husband and I were just moving into the place where my son and I still reside. We drove South, past the wildfires that had just jumped across Highway 15 towards the direction of our new home, which we hadn't even slept in at that point.

Fast forward four years and my son and I are inside, doors and windows shut tight, air conditioner and humidifier running while all I could smell was fire. What used to be a pleasant reminder of bonfires is now a brutal reality that the fires could once again spread quickly and threaten our home and of course, those in our neighboring communities.

We watched the news - and the football game - and after my son fell asleep I made sure I had packed away the belongings and personal items that I would take with us come morning.

I really couldn't get much sleep. I kept tossing and turning. The smell of smoke grew stronger throughout the night, as did the howling winds and I kept thinking about what we would do, where we would go, what I would take with us.

Just as I assumed, the morning sun did not peek through the smoke. Ash was now falling from the sky. My son and I made two trips to the car before finally feeling ready to leave, not knowing when exactly we'd be back. I ended up taking him into the Kane/Miller office with me while I took care of a few things, but mostly just needed the comfort of being around other people. There was no reason to really be working since a State of Emergency had been declared for all of San Diego County, as well as six other counties in Southern California.

My son is with his dad this evening. I am staying with one of the founders of Kane/Miller, as she has kindly opened up her home to me. This is the first time I have spent the night here but certainly not the first time her spare bedroom has been offered. In fact, I had a key to her house on my key chain for nearly six months after my ex-husband filed for divorce and things started to become unsettled in the home front.

I have become rather close with the Kane family and all of the employees during my nearly seven years with the company. I am grateful for all they have done for me, both personally and professionally. It was Mrs. Kane and her husband who first initiated me on my first business trip back in 2001. It was Mr. Kane who introduced me to anchovies during that same visit to Baltimore. And it is with the Kane family who my son and I will spend Thanksgiving with, as we have done every year (with one exception) since I started working for Kane/Miller.

I can't imagine working for anyone else after all this time. I have fantastic co-workers who are wonderful individuals and have become family to my son and I.

We are safe this evening and we are grateful for every one's kind thoughts and prayers and can only hope that all of the good karma that's due comes our way this evening.

The Santa Ana winds are supposed to get worse over the next few days. Homes just North and East of my neighborhood have been evacuated, including the home of one of our staff members.

After the Cedar Fires of 2003, the county and city of San Diego, the people, and the emergency crews are better prepared. Evacuations have been prompting people out of their homes with time to spare but the fires are unpredictable, the winds are sporadic and the resources are scarce.

The Witch Fires of 2007 have already been determined to be the worst fires that Southern California has ever seen and I hope and pray that all of those that have been evacuated can recover from this devastating loss once the fires have died down and our lives are meant to return to normal.

It's Official!

It's about time. It's about independence. It's about moving on and putting my past where it belongs - behind me.

I heard from my lawyer's office today. I've had a more difficult time dealing with the end of my relationship with the legal secretary and receptionist from his office more than I've had saying good riddance to my marriage.

After sixteen long and life-altering months, I am officially divorced, no longer married, free to do just about anything I please, as long as it does not involve my son, of course. (Anything related to him still requires permission and a court order, but that's a whole other story.)

Sixteen months. I can't believe it's been that long since my ex-husband announced that he was filing for divorce. Of course, sixteen months ago I wasn't in the same place, emotionally, and it took a while for the seriousness of his statement to sink in.

Now, I can proudly say that I am stronger, happier, healthier and more confident than I've ever been before (thanks mostly to my therapist). Throughout the last year and a half (just about), I've gained new friends, fell in love, had my heart broken, reconstructed my relationship with my son, my father, and my ex-husband. Along the way, I discovered strengths within me that I never knew existed.

It's been a growing period, that's for sure, but I'm pleased to report that after all the tears and heartbreak, I have no regrets. I have nothing to apologize for and certainly don't feel there's any reason for anyone to feel sorry for me.

The only person in this world that I will need to explain my portion of the responsibility to, is of course, my son. He's much too young now to understand the implications of the marriage between his father and I or why it was not possible for us to have remained together, but at some point, I will need to sit down with him and answer the many questions that I know he will have.

It's better to have loved and lost,
than to live with a Psycho
for the rest of your life!

I will say this right now. Each of us (his father and I) have a different version of the story to tell. And I'm certain that over time, those versions will be altered with what we recall and what we want to remember as our own truth, however different and separate those truths may be.

I am proud of my son for having the courage to deal with such a major disruption in his life and I am equally proud of his father, for having the strength and courage to walk away when he did. And I am just as proud of myself for having the strength and courage to not give up, to fight harder for the life that I want for my son and for standing up to those who weren't sure if they agreed with my course of action.

It's official. I am no longer a married woman. I'm a 30-year-old, single, working mom, newly divorced. It sounds less scary for me to say this out loud than it probably is for most married (or never married) people to hear.

We all have different paths in life that take us in directions that even we can't predict. I believe mine was chosen for me and although it's been a bumpy ride, I'm still moving, now at a faster pace, and I can't wait to see what's around the bend.

Long-Distance Relationships

I went to Vegas in March of this year to celebrate several life-changing events with some close friends. Although I've seen them separately on different occasions, the five of us girls had not all been together for about ten years.

Times had changed for us, drastically. Four of the five of us had become mothers in that time, three of us had gotten married, two of us were separated from our husbands and one of us was, and still is, childless and never been married (she's also the smartest out of all of us).

We all went in different directions over the last decade and are now spread across the map. One of us went off and joined the Navy and bounced from WV to NC, MT, GA and ended up in Costa Rica (of all places). Two of the five of us graduated from college. One went on to graduate school and is now employed in a profession that she loves.

And then, there's me. I had a miscarriage, dropped out of college, moved to San Diego, bought my first car (used), got married, landed an awesome job, had my amazing son, bought my first new vehicle, and suddenly found myself adjusting to life as a single, working mom as my husband filed for divorce and moved out, in that order.

I went to Vegas again in June with some girlfriends from San Diego. The one thing I never expected out of this quick weekend get-away was to meet someone who I would end up having a relationship with three months later who lives in a different state, a different time zone, on different schedules.

Technology has allowed for long-distance relationships to be possible since we are able to text, phone and email from just about anywhere. In this day and age when people are jumping into marriage and just as quickly trying to jump out, it only makes sense to distance yourself from those you care so deeply about.

As I mentioned already, my family and friends are scattered across the map. While I have connections here in San Diego, most of my loved ones are living in MN, WI, MT, TX, Costa Rica, NH, MD, CO, WV, FL, GA, Northern Ireland, and Northern California.

While I do love to travel, I don't enjoy missing the people I care about, but with work and the daily routine that makes the days whiz by, it's no wonder that we are able to enjoy the time we do have together, 100%. After all, it's quality, not quantity that matters when it comes to relationships and that's the secret most people don't discover until, perhaps, the second-time around.

I have, and will not ever, forget all of the people who have helped me get to where I am now - a place in my life where I finally feel comfortable and balanced, satisfied and proud of where my life is headed and sexier than I've ever felt before.

Oh, and just in case I forgot to mention it, the March trip to Vegas celebrated several thirtieth birthdays, the birth of our children, the loss of our unborn, marriages, divorces and most importantly, the love of friends and family (they're one in the same).

And if it's another ten years until we are all together again, I know that it'll be the laughter that we will remember as we share the secrets we have learned from another decade of growing stronger and wiser.

The Results Are In

Concerned friends and family members have been sending prayers, warm thoughts and good karma my way ever since I scheduled my biopsy. Luckily, the news I received from my doctor wasn't as bad as I thought, although I do have a condition now that needs to be treated and is something that I have never heard of, of course.

Lichen sclerosis (aka lichen sclerosus) usually occurs in post-menopausal women. Clearly, anyone who knows me can understand the irony here and can appreciate why I found myself laughing out loud when I first read this fact online.

I've always been mature for my age and have, in the last few years, been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, begun to gone gray, no longer get carded at the bar, and will most likely be wearing bifocals by the time I hit the big 4-0.

Besides this new condition, I'm pretty lucky, health wise. I don't have high cholesterol, I'm not obese or falling apart emotionally, and I have all of my digits and can function properly on about 5 hours of sleep (and a Triple Grande Soy White Mocha, no Whip). I really shouldn't complain, and yet, I find myself asking, "Why me?"

This past year has been quite the challenge and yet somehow I can now laugh about the bad luck, or karma that's come my way. In fact, just today, I spoke with my therapist about finally ending our sessions together due to the fact that I'm doing quite well, considering everything I've been through. (For once in my life, I'm in a long-term relationship with a man who, at the end of our nearly two years together will celebrate with me for finally reaching a state of complete sanity.)

He's been a part of my life for so long that I come to think of him as a friend, which is strange, considering the fact that I pay this friend to listen to my problems (and for the countless boxes of tissues he's supplied). Nonetheless, I'll miss the fact that he listens to me, feeds me every once in a while and humors me when I tell him about the drama I create in my life with men.

But, all good things must come to an end and I'm proud of myself for getting through this last year (separation, rebound relationships, court dates, financial hardship, working 3 jobs, divorce, potty-training, starting my own company) without having a complete breakdown. The partial meltdown was bad enough!

I shared this link with just about everyone I know, including my therapist, but I wanted to include it here because it's just so darn healing to laugh at yourself.

Baby Watch

My dear friends are expecting their new baby any minute now. I'm on Baby Watch, officially, as I'm on call to stay with their daughter when they go into labor. I have my bags packed too and I'm anxiously awaiting "the call," continually checking my phone to make sure the ringer is turned on and bringing it with me everywhere I go.

Not that it's unusual for me to have my it nearby, but it's come to the point where my son will say, "Mom, you forgot your phone," if I leave the room momentarily without it.

The big question that we're anxiously waiting to be answered: Will Baby J be a Virgo or Libra?

Being around a new baby is so healing and especially since I enjoy being a mom so much, it's hard for me not to get the yearning for at least one more. Considering my current situation, I realize that I have no time in my life for a major responsibility like a new baby but still, the craving kicked in when I went to pick out clothes for Baby J.

I was touched when I was asked to take care of their daughter during the time they're in the hospital bonding with their new baby boy. I think it's been the biggest honor and greatest compliment, that they would trust me wholeheartedly with their firstborn.

I've had a chance to bond with Big Sister lately so I trust that we will have a wonderful few days while Baby J is preparing to come home. And I can't wait to see the four of them together, this beautiful family that I have been lucky enough to be a part of.

I can just picture them, introducing Baby J to his proud sister and as they circle around the baby, I will slowly make my way to the door so they can enjoy their family time and I can go home to my son and bond with him as I tell him the story of his birth and how truly blessed we are to have one another.