Advice from Grandma Sylvie

Being a parent is one role that never ends. My mom (aka Grandma Sylvie) has always been a great role model for me as she and I had an amazing relationship while I was growing up and an even stronger one now that I have a child of my own.

She's the same Grandma who told me she was going to start practicing her cartwheels when I found out I was pregnant. When my son was just two years old, she made my day (and lasting memories) by doing cartwheels in the park during our family vacation Hawaii while my son laughed and tried to imitate her.

Just today she sent me an email that provided some great advice and lovely thoughts on grandparenting- worthy of sharing and passing on to your loved ones (in my opinion):

Life:

The older you get the better you know yourself.

Love:

It is the greatest gift you can give someone, although you may not get love back in return.

Parenting:

Proved to me that there is a God - and God's mom helped me through it!

Favorite Grandparent Perks:

Grandchildren are the best part of life and worth waiting for.
I love their laughter and honesty.
They know how to make your day just by holding your hand,
giving you a hug or smiling at you with a twinkle in their eyes that makes you feel special.
I am always looking forward to the next visit with them.

You'll be hearing more from Grandma Sylvie in the near future. She's preparing for Grandbaby #3 which means she'll probably be doing cartwheels in the waiting room while my sister's delivering.

Lessons for Life

Cultural Anthropologist Angeles Arrien says there are only four rules in life:

1. Show up
2. Pay attention
3. Tell the truth
   
4. Don't be attached to the results.

How I wish this were as easy as it sounds. She offers plenty more thoughts and ideas - found on her website - to get you thinking and reflecting.

Words of Wisdom

Everyday I Have My Child to Raise Over Again

by Diane Loomans

Every day I have my child to raise all over again.
I will build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I will finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I will do less correcting, and more connecting.
I will take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I will care to know less, and know to care more.
I will take more hikes, and fly more kites.
I will stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I will run through more fields, and gaze at more stars.
I will do more hugging, and less tugging.
I will see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I will be firm less often and affirm much more.
I will model less about the love of power, and more about the power of love.

Kiss Me

My son and I had a rough night last night. It usually takes about 24 hours to adjust between his staying with his dad for the weekend and his coming back with me. I felt pretty awful though because he was refusing to sleep at my house and begging me to bring him to his dad's. We both ended up crying ourselves to sleep. Of course, he slept through the night. I tossed and turned and did not get much sleep at all.

Tonight was much better - the complete opposite of yesterday's experience. He played in the bathtub tonight and seemed to really enjoy himself for the first time in a long time since he's been having issues lately with not wanting his hair washed and wanting to get out of the tub right away after I terrorize him with shampoo and water. When I was drying him off tonight he actually said he had fun in the bath.

Then, when he was laying down in his bed and I was watching him fall asleep, he sat up and asked if he could sleep on my lap. How could I possibly say no to that? He curled up on my lap before setting his head on my shoulder and fell asleep about five minutes later, just seconds after he whispered, "Kiss me."

I was moved to tears all over again.

Happy Monday!

I've had quite an unusual day. Actually, it was quite pleasant. The streets were somewhat empty as many schools and businesses are closed this week. I dropped my son off at pre-school and headed into work to interview our first candidate for the newly created role of Marketing Assistant.

I then took care of some correspondence and details for our upcoming spring season and then we closed the office for a few hours while we took a much-needed Kane/Miller fieldtrip to see the film, Dan in Real Life, which features a scene that includes our best-selling title, from Japan, Everyone Poops.


The film was sweet, laugh-out-loud funny and made for a pleasant break in the middle of a Monday. Steve Carell plays a single father of three girls, the oldest of whom is 17. The middle child (why is it always the middle child) is "in love" and manages to teach dear old dad a thing or two about following your heart by the end of the movie.

Dan's character writes a parenting column in the local newspaper and has been raising the girls on his own since their mother passed away. His life focuses on the girls and it's not until his mother tells him to "get lost" that he finally begins to open up and enjoy the feeling of companionship when he meets a lovely lady who he feels quite comfortable with.

The story takes some twists and turns, all full of humor and family chaos. I recommend this film to anyone who's trying to find their own place in the world, especially single parents who tend to put their own needs last.

Threesome

Who was it that said things happen in threes? Tuesday, I was pulled over and got a ticket for speeding, yesterday someone hit my car in a parking lot and today - you'll never believe this - I got a flat tire and spent the majority of my afternoon dealing with waiting for the replacement and being stuck in traffic afterwards.

Needless to say, after the week I've had so far, I couldn't help but laugh when I discovered the flat tire (after a few minutes of pure panic). Luckily, reading kept me busy during that waiting period and I suddenly found myself enjoying the fact that I wasn't at work. After all, I was spending the day outside, enjoying the beautiful San Diego weather, reading.

I find it's typically our response to disruptions like this that tend to give others a perspective on what we're like under serious stress. There are several characters from our books that I have learned from and consider role models as far as trying to maintain a positive attitude.

Dougal the Garbage Dump Bear is one such character. One of my favorite quotes from any children's book is found on the last page of this one:

"...while he sat there on his own, Dougal would think how lucky he was...he realized that sometimes bad things happen so that good things can happen. You just had to make the best of it."

From Australia
Dougal the Garbage Dump Bear
by Matt Dray

There are certainly other characters that I could reference, but it's been a long day, a long night, actually. I'm heading home - finally. I'm going to have much better luck tomorrow. I just have to.

Better Luck Next Year

This morning - and most of this afternoon - turned out to be one of those days where things were not going my way. I might as well move to Australia (Bonus points for the first person to let me know where that came from!).

I brought my son to the dentist this morning. He's been going every six months since he was six months old. He was a fabulous example of a well-behaved, fully cooperative child - until today. He started kicking his feet and waving his hands up in the air when the dental hygienist attempted to start cleaning his teeth.

Twenty minutes and several attempts at trying the whole thing again turned out to be false starts. We're going to try it again in another six months. Both the dental hygienist and the dentist herself deserve patience (and patient) awards for probably having to deal with that same situation several times a week.

Although the whole experience felt like it was more devastating for me afterwards, it was nothing compared to the frustration I felt when my son and I got to our car only to discover a note that read: "I hit the front of your car while trying to get out. Call me at ... "

This was some sort of joke, right? I looked at the front of my car and no, this was no joke. Indeed, there was a small dent in the middle of the hood along with a scrape mark on the front of the grill. Lovely.

What else could go wrong this week? After all, I was pulled over yesterday for speeding and the lovely CHIPs character (yes, he was on a motorcycle) was not interested in my excuse ("I just got back from Chicago and I haven't driven in over a week!")

2006 and 2007 have not been my years. I'm hopefully optimistic about 2008. Wish me luck.

Waking Up Together

I read an enlightening, eye-opening book recently, entitled Waking Up Together, written by Ellen and Charles Birx (Wisdom Publications). When I first read the description of the book from the publisher's website, I wasn't sure this was a book for me.

Here I am, newly divorced, freshly single, still learning from my past mistakes. But, the book intrigued me and once I started reading it, I couldn't stop and I learned quite a bit along the way. The book not only discusses the art of meditation and incorporating the quiet act of calm, quiet surrender, but it also discusses the art of relationship, as told from a husband and wife team who have been working and meditating together for nearly forty years.

Anyone who's been together that long has a lot to share with the rest of us and they spoke eloquently on finding a partner, letting go of a loved one, and co-parenting relationships.

These are just a few things I learned from the writing couple (and not necessarily just about relationships):

"A relationship is not something that you "have." It is not something that can be owned, possessed, or attained. Relationship is mutual opening to and presence with one another."

"A relationship is best cultivated in an atmosphere of gratitude and generosity. Gratitude is more than appreciation for the good things in your life; it is an appreciation for life itself, even with its ups and downs."

"No matter how much we may love our partner, we cannot take away our partner's pain. We cannot 'make' our partner happy, and we cannot 'enlighten' our partner. So even if we travel together we travel alone. Recognizing this aloneness is essential for togetherness."

"A loving relationship is an ongoing process of being present with and open to one another. This is not just a matter of spending more time together. Relationship has to do with the quality of time you spend together."

"If you want to live in relationship, you have to learn to take turns. Taking turns doesn't mean a rigid fifty-fifty. Taking turns is a flowing back and forth - a give and take without keeping score, not a mathematical equation. There are innumerable factors to consider, and it is a delicate balance, moment by moment."

"Your willingness to remain tender, open, and vulnerable is essential to an intimate relationship. Not only do you need to be willing to be wounded over and over again, but you also need to be willing to forgive over and over again. Forgiveness is an act of compassion that frees both you and your partner to love again."

"For a long-term relationship to survive, each partner needs to be willing to serve the other. Being a servant cultivates humility and puts the ego in its proper place."

"There is a saying, 'Love is blind.' However, if ever there is a time when you need to see clearly, it is when you are entering into a committed relationship."

"How you do your work is as important as the occupation you select."

"True and deep communication in an intimate relationship can take place only in the context of an attitude of openness, honesty, trust, and acceptance."

"Change is a vital force that keeps your relationship fresh, exciting, and alive."

"Sometimes it is not what happens in a relationship, but our interpretation of what happens, that causes us to suffer."

"All of us need to be free to change and grow, and the challenge in a relationship is to learn how to move along together."

"Be yourself. Being genuine will lead you in the direction of a relationship that is truthful, open, and whole. Be your best, but don't deny or hide your faults. In balance, both confidence and humility are attractive. As you develop yourself, your life become richer, you become more radiant, and people naturally gravitate toward you."

"Even when you are not physically present with one another, you can maintain a presence and connection through phone calls, letters, and email messages. Presence transcends space and time: even when you are apart, you can be present to your partner in your heart. Your heart is unbounded, and in love you are united."

"...first you need to be able to stand on your own two feet without excessive leaning or clinging that wears the other down. You need some degree of emotional and spiritual maturity in order to enter into a relationship of mutual giving and receiving."

"Integrity is the honesty to end one relationship before entering into another."

"Relationship is a creative process. As is any other creative process, you need to be open not just to your intellect but also to your intuition, spontaneity, ingenuity, and spirit. Creativity is playful, artistic, and expressive. Viewing your relationship as an opportunity to co-create infuses it with renewed energy, enthusiasm, and enjoyment."

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is in a committed relationship, who is searching for ways to strengthen their marriage, or who has recently ended a long-term relationship. I learned quite a bit from this couple and I have no doubts that many of the lessons I learned will carry over into future relationships as well as the fact that it has helped me to heal from my past.

One of Those Days

"The best proof of love is trust." - Joyce Brothers

"I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year." - Bette Davis

"Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without." - James C. Dobson

"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage." - Sydney J. Harris

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable." - Joyce Brothers

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn

"Never get married in the morning - you never know who you might meet that night." - Paul Hornung

"Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left." - Jean Kerr

"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." - Doug Larson

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny Youngman

"Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." - David Grayson

"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost." - Gilbert K. Chesterton

"Who so loves believes the impossible." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness." - Josh Billings

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well." - Lewis B. Smedes

"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." - Auguste Rodin

"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet." - Plato

"Love conquers all." - Virgil

"All that I know I learned after I was thirty." - Georges Clemenceau

The Wicked Witch of the West

Throughout the Denver Broncos game last night, and during the entire half-time, the TV screen kept flashing with updates about the evacuated areas in Southern California due to the growing winds that kept the nearby fires spreading.

I had a flashback to 4 years ago to the date - just about - when I was six months pregnant with my son, and my ex-husband and I were just moving into the place where my son and I still reside. We drove South, past the wildfires that had just jumped across Highway 15 towards the direction of our new home, which we hadn't even slept in at that point.

Fast forward four years and my son and I are inside, doors and windows shut tight, air conditioner and humidifier running while all I could smell was fire. What used to be a pleasant reminder of bonfires is now a brutal reality that the fires could once again spread quickly and threaten our home and of course, those in our neighboring communities.

We watched the news - and the football game - and after my son fell asleep I made sure I had packed away the belongings and personal items that I would take with us come morning.

I really couldn't get much sleep. I kept tossing and turning. The smell of smoke grew stronger throughout the night, as did the howling winds and I kept thinking about what we would do, where we would go, what I would take with us.

Just as I assumed, the morning sun did not peek through the smoke. Ash was now falling from the sky. My son and I made two trips to the car before finally feeling ready to leave, not knowing when exactly we'd be back. I ended up taking him into the Kane/Miller office with me while I took care of a few things, but mostly just needed the comfort of being around other people. There was no reason to really be working since a State of Emergency had been declared for all of San Diego County, as well as six other counties in Southern California.

My son is with his dad this evening. I am staying with one of the founders of Kane/Miller, as she has kindly opened up her home to me. This is the first time I have spent the night here but certainly not the first time her spare bedroom has been offered. In fact, I had a key to her house on my key chain for nearly six months after my ex-husband filed for divorce and things started to become unsettled in the home front.

I have become rather close with the Kane family and all of the employees during my nearly seven years with the company. I am grateful for all they have done for me, both personally and professionally. It was Mrs. Kane and her husband who first initiated me on my first business trip back in 2001. It was Mr. Kane who introduced me to anchovies during that same visit to Baltimore. And it is with the Kane family who my son and I will spend Thanksgiving with, as we have done every year (with one exception) since I started working for Kane/Miller.

I can't imagine working for anyone else after all this time. I have fantastic co-workers who are wonderful individuals and have become family to my son and I.

We are safe this evening and we are grateful for every one's kind thoughts and prayers and can only hope that all of the good karma that's due comes our way this evening.

The Santa Ana winds are supposed to get worse over the next few days. Homes just North and East of my neighborhood have been evacuated, including the home of one of our staff members.

After the Cedar Fires of 2003, the county and city of San Diego, the people, and the emergency crews are better prepared. Evacuations have been prompting people out of their homes with time to spare but the fires are unpredictable, the winds are sporadic and the resources are scarce.

The Witch Fires of 2007 have already been determined to be the worst fires that Southern California has ever seen and I hope and pray that all of those that have been evacuated can recover from this devastating loss once the fires have died down and our lives are meant to return to normal.

It's Official!

It's about time. It's about independence. It's about moving on and putting my past where it belongs - behind me.

I heard from my lawyer's office today. I've had a more difficult time dealing with the end of my relationship with the legal secretary and receptionist from his office more than I've had saying good riddance to my marriage.

After sixteen long and life-altering months, I am officially divorced, no longer married, free to do just about anything I please, as long as it does not involve my son, of course. (Anything related to him still requires permission and a court order, but that's a whole other story.)

Sixteen months. I can't believe it's been that long since my ex-husband announced that he was filing for divorce. Of course, sixteen months ago I wasn't in the same place, emotionally, and it took a while for the seriousness of his statement to sink in.

Now, I can proudly say that I am stronger, happier, healthier and more confident than I've ever been before (thanks mostly to my therapist). Throughout the last year and a half (just about), I've gained new friends, fell in love, had my heart broken, reconstructed my relationship with my son, my father, and my ex-husband. Along the way, I discovered strengths within me that I never knew existed.

It's been a growing period, that's for sure, but I'm pleased to report that after all the tears and heartbreak, I have no regrets. I have nothing to apologize for and certainly don't feel there's any reason for anyone to feel sorry for me.

The only person in this world that I will need to explain my portion of the responsibility to, is of course, my son. He's much too young now to understand the implications of the marriage between his father and I or why it was not possible for us to have remained together, but at some point, I will need to sit down with him and answer the many questions that I know he will have.

It's better to have loved and lost,
than to live with a Psycho
for the rest of your life!

I will say this right now. Each of us (his father and I) have a different version of the story to tell. And I'm certain that over time, those versions will be altered with what we recall and what we want to remember as our own truth, however different and separate those truths may be.

I am proud of my son for having the courage to deal with such a major disruption in his life and I am equally proud of his father, for having the strength and courage to walk away when he did. And I am just as proud of myself for having the strength and courage to not give up, to fight harder for the life that I want for my son and for standing up to those who weren't sure if they agreed with my course of action.

It's official. I am no longer a married woman. I'm a 30-year-old, single, working mom, newly divorced. It sounds less scary for me to say this out loud than it probably is for most married (or never married) people to hear.

We all have different paths in life that take us in directions that even we can't predict. I believe mine was chosen for me and although it's been a bumpy ride, I'm still moving, now at a faster pace, and I can't wait to see what's around the bend.

Sweetest Day - Yay or Nay?

What is with Sweetest Day and why is it now suddenly important to me to not get left out on this gift-giving holiday? I find myself questioning whether or not I should choose to celebrate an event that the majority of the U.S. population has not even heard of. Those who have are not eager to dish out more money to the retail companies who profit off of these types of celebrations.

I do have sweet people in my life who I would like to recognize. Valentine's Day is certainly a holiday reserved for couples and significant others, but what's the difference between the two? Should I honor the people in my life that make the world sweeter on October 2oth, or shall I reserve giving them kudos for another four months?

And who decided to place yet another holiday in the middle of the already-overly-busy gift-giving holiday season? I mean, let's take a look at the calendar here. Between September and June we have Grandparent's Day, Halloween, Hanukkah, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.

Why not select a summer month to add in a new holiday? There's nothing going on in July or August except simply enjoying time with family. Maybe that's the whole point. Perhaps with school and the busy schedule surrounding the time between September and June, we've forgotten to celebrate the people in our lives by simply sitting back and spending quality time with one another.

Perhaps the retail companies got it right and are just giving us what we need - something to feed the guilty conscience that we create by filling up our time with work, after-school activities, play dates, book clubs, mom's night out or girl's night in.

I haven't solved the dilemma of whether or not to introduce yet another holiday to my son. Although perhaps I could simply start a new tradition and honor the special day by doing something very special.

I just checked my calendar and it looks as though we'll have to celebrate another time. I've got plans that night. Figures.