Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts

Monday, August 10, 2009

Dad Gone Mad

Last week, I went to Danny Evans' book signing here in Escondido. It was pretty deceiving, since we walked into the large bookstore and explored the entire store without finding Dad Gone Mad or anything that remotely looked like there was an event going on somewhere in the vicinity. In fact, we almost left, my friend making fun of me for driving such a long way on the wrong night, or driving to the wrong location. Then, I asked an employee to help me figure it all out once I had the Dad Gone Mad appearance listing open on my iPhone...

We found Danny tucked away in a little corner of the bookstore, where he was answering questions and reading from his book, Rage Against the Meshugenah. Perhaps his use of the word testicles or dropping the "F" bomb is what kept them from putting him on display right in front, but I was ever-so-pleased to have found him and the small, yet intimate group of readers there to meet him.

Danny spoke quietly so I walked to the front row in order to hear him as he read the laugh-out-loud scenes from his book that covered his conversation with his mom about priaprism and about his experience with his psychiatrist who fondled his shirt upon first meeting him.

I started reading his book the very next day at the beach. I couldn't put it down (I blame him and his compelling story for my sunburn) and I found myself both laughing and crying along with Danny as he shared his very personal account of being laid off (been there), dealing with depression (been there too), experiencing a miscarriage (been there as well) and dealing with his feelings of inadequacy as a new parent (yep, been there once again).

Despite the fact that this book is a humorous look at serious topics, the most touching and poignant passages from Danny's writing were the pages where he discussed his unconditional love for his wife, Sharon, who stood by him through his darkest times. He describes the way they embrace and how, mostly because of their relationship, and her faith in him, that he is able to survive his depression and come out on the other side, more aware, more enlightened and better able to enjoy his role as husband, dad and son to his parents.
"I'm more than a foot taller than Sharon...When we're hugging over something happy, she stands on a chair so she can squeeze my neck and I can kiss hers. When I'm feeling romantic (or reasonable variations thereof), I walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her shoulders. When we're making up after an argument, Sharon sits on the couch, I get on my knees in front of her, and I dive in to bury my face in her neck."
"If my life could be measured with the same kind of line graph economists use to measure stock performance on Wall Street, there would be a huge spike at the moment I kissed Sharon's soft, sweet lips for the first time."
Danny writes from the heart. He writes with passion and full disclosure as he sorts through the emotions and experiences of truly finding himself after reaching the deep end. Readers will travel with him on this journey as he explores the depths of his despair and reaches new heights with his recovery and through the eyes of his children.
"The sight of two caring, special human beings - that I helped to create - displaying kindness and love to one another (without being asked) shattered the mold of what I thought I was, what I thought a Man was. Just as the case was with the onset of my depression a few years earlier, the feeling I had at that moment was unlike anything I'd encountered before. And just like depression, that vision rocked me to the core and forced me to take stock of what was happening around me. The one obvious difference between these two moments was that the former left me awash in numbness and confusion. The latter flooded me with a sense that perhaps my life was just beginning..."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

How Do You Define Love?

Around Valentine's Day, my son's teacher got married. They talked about her wedding in the classroom and we talked about it at home, as well. One night, just before bed, he asked me if I had ever been married to his dad. I told him that we had been married and when he asked for how many minutes, I smiled, and told him that we had been married for thousands of minutes. He liked that answer, but then went on to tell me that his dad no longer loves me.

I think about that word quite often ever since we had this discussion. We use the word, "love," quite frequently in everyday conversation, and yet, my son, at age 5, understands that it is also a word reserved for a special type of relationship that no longer exists between his father and I.

Without hesitating, I told my son that night that I still love his father, and that I don't love him, or anyone else, because I expect anything in return.
  • I love ice cream.
  • I love my new shoes.
  • I love your new haircut.
  • I love it when you smile.
  • I love that song.
  • I love getting hugs.
  • I love watching the sunset.
  • I love singing my son to sleep.
Many people find it difficult to express this type of love and understanding. I tell my current boyfriend that I love him and I am perfectly fine with the fact that he is not able to reciprocate since he lets me know in other ways how much I mean to him.

To me, love is acceptance, understanding and appreciation. I am very grateful for the role certain people play in my life.

I know that loving others is all about accepting them for who they are, knowing that they are perfect in every way, my ex-husband included.


I love the fact that he calls me just to tell me how our son's day was. I love that he and our son met me for breakfast to have a Family Meeting over the weekend. I love my son's father for being such an amazing dad and putting our son first at all times.

I love the fact that I don't have to worry about a thing when my son is with his dad. I can sleep in, or go to bed early and trust that our son is taken care of and will be back with me when it's "my time," to be with him again. I love the fact that my son gets the best of both worlds. He learns so much from me and just as much from his father. He truly is lucky to have such loving and passionate parents.

Just recently, after another discussion about self-acceptance, my son looked in the mirror and said, "I love you." Now, when I say these same words to him he responds, "I love me too," and I know that he truly gets it.

I love our family. The three of us are unique, beautiful and perfect. What's not to love?

None of this self-acceptance and unconditional love would have been possible without the Knowledge of Y.O.U. Grounded in science and founded in nature, the Y.O.U. Consulting Group has brought me such great understanding and freedom that I want to share it with everyone I meet. I'm currently a Certified Level III Practitioner and look forward to introducing you to the Knowledge. For information or to meet with me for a one-on-one consultation, please email me directly for details.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Asking Stupid Questions

Last week, I received a free trial for the mobile service which allows users to text message the KGB Team specific questions that are in need of immediate answers.

At first, I wasn't quite sure what types of questions I would be able to think of, but after I got the hang of it (aka, addicted to the service), I started using it at all times of the day (and night) to answer the weird and wacky questions that came to mind.

Having access to (nearly) immediate and accurate answers was fun and exciting!
At times, I treated it like the magic 8-ball, attempting to have my future told to me but the answers KGB provided made me smile and completely made my day!

After a few days of using the service, I asked my son what the one question is that he would like answered. His immediate response: "Why do they say the word 'crap' in the Transformers movie?" Well, I knew this wasn't a question that KGB could answer but I did find out, thanks to the KGB team, that the Transformers movie which came out last summer was rated PG-13 (and not PG like my ex-husband insisted). I was planning on having a little conversation with him about this and the appropriateness (sarcasm) of letting our five-year-old watch it....but my time is valuable and I digress.

To give you an idea about the KGB service and what they can do to help you, or entertain you, here are the list of questions and answers that I asked - and they answered.
Q: Where is the closest public parking lot to Wine Cabana in downtown San Diego?
A: We're very sorry, but every day we get a few questions we can't answer. This is one of them. No Charge. (Apparently, I was mistaken. Wine Cabana is not downtown so no wonder they couldn't help me.)

Q: What is the definition and origin of the word cabana?
A: Cabana is small cabin or tentlike structure for use as bathouse, esp. on beach or by swimming pool.

Q: Which actor played Batman before Christian Bale?
A: The actor who played Batman before Christian Bale was George Clooney in 1997.

Q: What's the name of the TV show starring Anthony Michael Hall?
A: Anthony Michael Hall starred in 2 tv shows in 2007, Final Approach and The Dead Zone. Busy guy!

Q: What is the average temperature in San Diego?
A: The average annual temperature in San Diego is 64.2F. The average temp for the month of Feb. is 58.6F.

Q: Should I move to Denver?
A: You will move when you have packed up your belongings and found a new place to live. Good luck!

Q: What is the world's deadliest creature?
A: The world's most deadliest creature would be the Mosquito. Some mosquito carry the disease Malaria.

Q: Why are the Academy Awards referred to as the Oscars?
A: The root of the name Oscar is contested. One biograpahy of Bette Davis claims that she named the Oscar after her first husband, band leader Harmon Oscar Nelson; one of the earliest mentions in print of the term Oscar dates back to a TIME Magazine article about the 1934 6th Academy Awards. Walt Disney is also quoted as thanking the Academy for his Oscar as early as 1932.

Q: How many iPhones were sold in 2008?
A: Apple sold 10 million iPhones in 2008, surpassing Steve Job's original stated goal.

Q: Who was the first woman to appear topless in a mainstream American film?
A: Annette Kellermann (an Australian swimming champion) in the film A Daughter of the Gods (1916).

Q: What is the secret to a successful marriage?
A: Never assume, compliment more than you criticize, always make time for each other and try to be fair!

Q: Do men who wear a suit and tie to work have more sex than those who don't?
A: Not necessarily. Quite a few women are attracted to the rugged outdoors look. Depends on the woman. (Apparently, KGB is slightly homophobic.)

Q: What is the most monogamous animal?
A: Zoologists now have solid evidence that monogamous pairs of animals are not always sexually exclusive.

Q: What is the most romantic city in the world?
A: Paris, France is the most romantic city in the world. It is a place that you must visit at least once!

Q: Why is the mother not present in fairy tales such as Snow White and Cinderella?
A: Original Grimm's story actually listed Snow White's mother as an evil, jealous mother. Disney changed!

Q: What is the easiest houseplant to take care of?
A: Devil's Ivy, aka Pothos: This plant is hearty at a vast array of light and moisture levels.



Q: Will opened alcohol go bad?
A: Alcohol does spoil when left open. It spoils due to oxidation in the same way fruit spoils. (I immediately threw out the ABSOLUT vodka bottles leftover from New Year's Eve...I typically don't waste alcohol like that...)

Q: Who will win as Best Actor in the 81st Academy Awards?
A: Should Win: Heath Ledger ('The Dark Knight'), Will Win: Heath Ledger (They were right!)

Q: Who will win as Best Actress in the 81st Academy Awards?
A: As the show has not aired yet, but should win = Meryl Streep (Doubt), Will win = Kate Winslet (The Reader). (Interesting...)

Q: When was sushi first introduced to the US mainstream?
A: The 1980s saw an increase in health consciousness, so sushi bars have increased in the United States.

Q: How long has Sean Penn been married to Robin?
A: Sean Penn has been married to Robin Wright Penn since April 27, 1996. They have 2 children together. (Asked as Sean Penn accepted his award for his role in Milk.)

Q: How many calories per day should one have when trying to lose weight?
A: Use the formula to figure it out: women: 655 + (4.3 x weight in pounds) + (4.7 x height in inches) - (4.7 x age in years). (Um, what? You lost me at hello.)

Q: Should I wear red or black?
A: You can wear black all year round. It will make you look slimmer and black never goes out of style.

Q: When is Barack Obama's birthday?
A: Barack Hussein Obama II was born on August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii. He is currently 47 years old.

Q: Is [insert man's name] "the one?"
A: Love is the mix of intimacy, passion, and commitment. If you feel these things for [man's name] - then maybe!

Q: What size does Beyonce wear?
A: Beyonce doesn't often share her clothing size but she auctioned two size 6 dresses for charity on Ebay.

Q: How old is Angelina Jolie?
A: Born Angelina Jolie Voight on June 4, 1975. She is 34, an actress and Goodwill Ambassador for the UN.

Q: When is the best time of year to visit Morocco?
A: Best travel time for Morocco is Sept - Oct, March and May. Worst time is July, Aug. It gets up to 104F!

Q: Who created the tooth fairy?
A: The tooth fairy tradition came from ancient folk methods of disposing of lost teeth and superstitions.

Q: How does one become a member of the KGB Team?
A: If you are 18 or older you can log onto kgbkgb.com and take the test to become a kgb Agent. Good luck!

Q: Will I have another child?
A: If you and your partner are trying to conceive you may be having a child soon. Good Luck!

Q: WWJD?
A: WWJD became a popular phrase in the 1990s as a personal motto for thousands of Christians.

Q: What is the best cure for insomnia?
A: Not medical advice. To help insomnia avoid caffeine, have a warm bath and a milky drink before bed.

Q: What is the name of the book by the lead singer of Korn?
A: The book is "Save Me from Myself: How I Found God, Quit Korn, Kicked Drugs & Lived to Tell My Story"



Q: What is the age difference between Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher?
A: Demi was born in 1962, Ashton was born in 1978. She is about 15 years older then [sic] him.

Q: Was Seven Pounds nominated for any awards?
A: The movie Seven Pounds, with Will Smith & Rosario Dawson, is not nominated for any Oscars this year.

Q: Has anyone been married more times than Elizabeth Taylor?
A: On Jan 4th, 2007, it was recorded that Kamarudin Mohamad had married 53 times. Elizabeth Taylor had 8.

Q: Where do hip thirty-something career women shop for clothes?
A: Chicos, Dillards, Macy's, and J.C. Penny are a few; but it really depends on your style and body type.

Q: Where did Annette Bening attend high school?
A: Annette Bening attended Patrick Henry High. She studied drama there before wining [sic] multiple awards!

Q: Who is the youngest person to ever win an Oscar?
A: Shirley Temple won a juvenile Academy Award at age 6. Tatum O'Neal won a competitive Oscar at age 10.

Q: What is the lowest airfare from Minneapolis to Las Vegas for travel in March?
A: Depends on exact date, but a one-way ticket from Minn to Las Vegas starts at $137.21 for March 9, 2009.

Q: What is the best-selling import beer?
A: Corono Extra and Corona Light are the two most popular brands of Corona Beer. It is the #1 import in US.



Q: What's the difference between a trademark and copyright?
A: Trademark: used to protect a word, symbol, or name. Copyright: protects original works like books.

Q: What's the lifespan of a hummingbird?
A: In captivity, hummingbirds can survive for more than 10 years. In the wild 3 - 5 years is more likely.

Q: When does the Lunar New Year begin and what animal represents 2009?
A: The lunar new year began on Monday, January 26, 2009. This year is the year of the ox.

Q: What is the Transformer movie rated?
A: "Transformers: Revenge of th Fallen" opens in theaters on June 24, 2009 and is not yet rated.

Q: What was the last Transformer movie rated?
A: The most recent Transformer movie is rated: PG-13.

Q: What's the best remedy for adult acne?
A: Not medical advice: For home treatment for acne, apply an oatmeal mask at least once or twice a week.

Q: What's a good dog breed to introduce to children?
A: American bulldog, American foxhound, American mastiff, American pit bull terrier...

Q: How long does pink eye usually last?
A: Not medical advice. Pinkeye needs to be treated by a dr, if it hasn't improved in 2 - 3 days tell them.

Q: What does KGB stand for?
A: kgb: Knowledge Generation Bureau. We can answer most anyting. Text us again & let us show you!

Q: What were the most popular baby names last year?
A: The most popular baby girl's name for '08 was Emma. Aiden took the top spot for a boy's name.

Q: What were the most popular baby names of 1979?
A: In 1979, the most popular names were Michael & Jennifer, followed closely by Christopher & Melissa.

Q: What were the most popular baby names of 1989?
A: Michael & Jessica headed the name charts in 1989, followed by Christopher, Ashley, Matthew & Brittany.

Q: What were the most popular baby names of 1969?
A: In '69, Michael & Lisa were the most popular baby names followed by David & James, Michelle & Jennifer

Q: What were the most popular baby names of 1999?
A: In 1999 the most popular girl's name was Emily. The most popular boy's name was Jacob.

Q: Who are the seven arc angels?
A: Traditionally the 7 arch angels re Uriel Raphael Raguel Sariel Gabriel Remiel & Michael. This may vary.

Q: When did pink and blue first start representing the gender of newborn babies?
A: History is not clear but before 1940, the opposite was true: blue was for girls, pink was for boys.

Q: What is the tallest point in the 48 states?
A: The highest mountain in the 48 contiguous U.S. is Mt. Whitney, California at 14,494 feet/4418 meters.
OK, so now you see the many lame and sometimes very personal questions that came up during the last few days and how KGB answered them so gracefully and professionally.

I love this service. It was fun, convenient and provided accurate information in just a few minutes. I highly recommend this one to anyone looking for ways to prove who's right in an argument, stats for sports teams or players, or interesting facts to help start a conversation with that cute guy or gal in line at Starbucks.


To send a message to the KGB team, simply text to 542542 (kgbkgb) with your first question to get started. You will be charged 99 cents for each answer.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Finding That Special Someone

My male companion (for lack of a better term) and I recently discussed whether or not we'd ever get married again. We didn't discuss marrying each other, but talked hypothetically, of course! While I flirt with the idea of having more kids and someday walking down the aisle - older and wiser - I have to admit that the idea is just as scary as it is exciting.

A while back, before my best friend from high school got married, I wrote a post about Susan Piver's book, The Hard Questions. It's a small book filled with great topics to get couples discussing issues that will come up throughout their relationship.
Issues such as money, work, sex, family, and children are addressed as well as several others.



Photogurrl sent me an article recently which discusses A Dozen Ways to Get to Know Your Real Partner. Author Stacy D. Phillips mentions great signs to watch out for which are ones that I wish I had paid more attention to in my relationship with my ex-husband.

And just today, I discovered another amazing list through PT Law Mom's blog: 276 Questions to Ask Before You Marry.

Between these three resources, there is plenty to learn about yourself and your partner which makes for a fun and exciting activity that will bring you closer to the person you are with.

What these lists have helped me realize is that I have dozens - if not hundreds - of conversations yet to have with my current love interest. What's holding me back from bringing up these topics? Am I afraid to find out that we may not be the best match for each other or would it be scarier to discover that we are?

Monday, February 9, 2009

Threesome

Adding a child to a relationship definitely changes the dynamics of a partnership and will usually make things more stressful. People do it every day, though, so there's gotta be something said for creating families and making the beautiful babies that make the world go around. How do couples survive the tumultuous times ahead of them? What can they do to make things easier on their marriage and friendship?

I work with couples all the time who speak of marital issues that stem from their disagreements on parenting and problems that didn't occur before children. There are several books I recommend to parents looking for ways to get their relationship back on track and be the happy, loving couple they once were.



Oftentimes, parents don't take the time to focus on their relationship. They're busy disciplining their children, paying bills, cleaning house, and putting their children before their marriage. While I don't tell couples to neglect their kids or set aside their responsibilities, I do encourage them to make time to go out on a date once a week with their partner. Whether it's a walk through the neighborhood, or dinner and a movie, focusing on your relationship - and not talking about the kids - is a positive thing for the entire family.

With Valentine's Day coming up, I hope that you and your spouse are taking time to do something special alone, without the kids.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Love Stories

John Gray, PhD, is known for his series of books focusing on the differences between men and women and how to use this knowledge to strengthen relationships.

In Mars and Venus in Love, Gray shares the stories of couples he has worked with over the years and asks them to explain what types of problems they've had in their relationships and what works for them as far as communication and expressing love is concerned.



It's essentially a book of love stories - a collection of true-life tales that will show you something about your own love story that may have eluded you for a long time. A few insights, techniques, and changes in habits of mind and body nourish love and make it grow, and like little one-act plays these stories show you how. Mars and Venus in Love gives you the opportunity to see yourself in the stories of others and to recognize your own communication and behavior patterns in the circumstances they describe. It shows you, in many different ways,that:
  • Problems in love are normal
  • There's nothing wrong with you if you have difficulties in your relationships
  • Almost everyone who tries to love has problems getting it right
  • Even when people are deeply in love their relationships won't work if they don't recognize certain truths about men and women
  • Men and women are different
  • The key to falling and staying in love is to recognize and embrace those differences.
Offering you creative ideas for solving problems in your relationships and opening up new avenues for communication, Mars and Venus in Love is an invaluable resource and a perfect companion to Gray's previous books.

For ways to enhance the passion and romance in your life, check out Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Divorce Calculator

If you want to know how likely it may be that you will go through a divorce in the next five years, head on over to Divorce 360 to check out their new divorce calculator.



According to a recent study, "couples marrying today are less likely to divorce compared to their parents' generation." Does that mean that the well-known and often-quoted statistic of 50% of all marriages end in divorce is no longer true?

Betsey Stevenson - assistant professor of business and public policy at University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School - seems to think so.

Check out these other great articles on marriage and divorce:

10 Signs of a Good Relationship
8 Common Relationship Mistakes
You Know You're Getting a Divorce If...
Tips to Prepare for a Divorce

Friday, October 31, 2008

Just Say NO....on Prop 8

Campaign ads in California regarding Prop 8 reveal two startling different ideas. When people are confronted with two opposing viewpoints, how are they able to make an informed decision?

About a month ago, an ad paid for by those in support of Proposition 8 started airing on TV which used the images of several young children without their parents' permission. Jen Press whose daughter, Lucy, is prominently featured in the political ad had this to say:
To turn around and distort images of our children is outrageous. We’re opposed to Prop 8, but irrespective of our position, it’s wrong to use any image of children without their parents’ permission. And we think every parent in California would agree with us.
I'd go a step further and say that every parent in the United States would agree, and probably those from all over the world. Any organization who would use children to manipulate voters and distort information should not be supported by parents, or anyone who cares about children, regardless of the religious or political beliefs one holds.

Proposition 8 is not about children and what exactly does it have to do with protecting marriage? Currently, marriage is "in jeopardy" with the rising divorce rates that do affect children.


One woman, a 82-year-old political blogger and grandmother, Helen, could not have explained this money-wasting proposition any better:
I really don’t know why gay people want to get married. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Just ask Harold. But I guess if one consenting adult wants to declare their love for another, why would anyone have an issue? I do know one gay couple. Margaret’s nephew and his friend have been together for several years. They are a lovely couple and make me laugh and feel special every time I see them. A couple of years ago Texas passed one of these constitutional amendments. The place where Harold and I go to vote is actually an elementary school in the neighborhood. On that particular election day I was appalled to see all the signs that said “Marriage Should Be Between a Man and Woman Only”. As Harold drove us into the parking lot to vote, I looked out the window at those signs and realized that many parents had driven their kids to school that morning driving past those very signs. I wonder if any of them had the same reaction I did - those signs reminded me of the little signs we used to have back in the day that said “Whites Only”. Think about it.
I don't have to think about. Already I know that eliminating fundamental rights to anyone goes against the beliefs that this country was founded upon.



Nothing is more powerful than two people promising their loyalty and devotion to one another, no matter what gender they may be. Teaching children that love and commitment between same sex couples is not the same (or as important) as it is between those of the opposite sex is sending a message that is unfair and wrong. It is discrimination that we should not tolerate.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Catching the Bouquet

Before I was married, I used to dread that part of the wedding reception when the single women would be called up to try to catch the bride's bouquet. I'd hesitate before standing up and slowly make my way to the back of the line.

Suddenly, now that I'm single (again) and older, I'm ready. I want it to be known that I'm single and ready to find Mr. Right.

I've been to two weddings in the last few weeks and made a point of being one of the first women to make her way up to the dance floor. I've even pushed my way to the front and reminded the brides to throw it my way.




Apparently, being open to catching a bouquet is not enough. I bawled my eyes out at the last wedding I attended. My best friend from high school got married and it was so amazing to see her up there among friends and family that I've known through her.

I met my best friend during our Freshman year of high school. She was shy. I was assigned to work with her on a class project and we've been friends ever since. Knowing her for over half of our lives allowed us both the privilege of being there to witness each other's ups and downs and in on each other's secrets and details of our past relationships.

During one of my (many) states of depression, she came to San Diego to spend the week with me. We did nothing but lay on the beach, party and sleep. It was amazing and it just proved to me that my friend would be there for me, whenever I needed her.

But where was she this past weekend? I don't think she understood the psychological elements involved in my desire to catch the bouquet. It was devastating enough that I was a "party of one" for both weddings and I now, I have nothing to show for it, no souvenirs to prove that I made it through yet another wedding without someone asking me when it'd be my turn.

Since I don't have any other weddings to look forward to, I need to think of what else I can do to ensure my luck in love and relationships. Perhaps I should go and have my palm read, or do a seance that will clear my home of any negative energy that might be left behind from my ex-husband.

Yes, many people are astonished by the fact that I still live in the same home that I shared with my husband. In fact, our house is still in his name (and mine). Perhaps it's time for a little emotional cleansing...and a change of paint color.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Bonus Families

My son keeps asking me when I'm going to have another baby. He wants a sibling and he's not alone. I have baby cravings all the time, especially after spending time with my sister's new baby - or looking at the pictures of him that are on my fridge or kitchen table. Basically, several times a day!

Bonus Families is a website and a wonderful term for the step-families of my generation. I'd like to inherit a bonus family someday, but I'm not in any hurry. I'm still enjoying the time I have with my son and getting to know myself as a single mom and individual who is trying to get some goals reached before inviting another adult (and child) into our world.



I spent some time getting to know someone recently whom I met through eHarmony. We decided, after learning more about each other, that we are not looking for the same things right now. He is looking for a serious, long-term relationship, whereas, I am searching for someone who I can finally be myself with. I think I've found him and even though there is quite some distance between us, and baggage from our past relationships, I have faith that with time, things will become less stressful and we can begin to share more of each other more often.

When my husband and I first separated and he moved out, there was a long span of time before our divorce was finalized. Nearly two entire years went by before the court declared us no longer married to one another. Clearly, our marriage was over long before my ex-husband ever filed for divorce.

Saying that I'm involved with a married man would not be accurate. Telling people that the man I'm dating is currently separated would be more precise. His marriage has ended and despite the fact that they tried to make things work for their children's benefit, they have finally made peace with the fact that there is nothing left to hold onto.


In my adult life, I have met many people from different backgrounds with diverse pasts that they've overcome. Along the way, I have made both good and bad decisions, as we all have, but I have faith that the path before me will lead to happiness and true love.

Where will your path lead? You can think positively and hope for a happy ending, or you can make the choice to let the negative thoughts take over. I choose to believe that good things come to those who wait and I have been patient and cautious and continue to take one day at a time.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Five Percent

In every relationship, we should keep in mind that each of us needs to give 110%, that way there is no question of someone not doing their part or pitching in. It's never going to be an equal balance of give and take so even better advice is to not keep track at all. Simply give and you will receive (just as many others from history have said).

If you are looking for ways to give more, keep in mind the 5% rule, suggested by Neil Rosenthal, and based on his experience as a marriage and family therapist:
"...Make sure you hold yourself accountable for doing what you say — consistently — over time. Saying or thinking it isn’t enough. You must do it and then continue doing it. That’s what a happy, healthy, committed love relationship requires of all of us. And it sure beats being in a marriage counselor’s office being guided by someone else to do it."
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, specializing in strengthening intimate relationships.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

When a Marriage Fails

David, over at Dad's House, inspired this post since his statements - and the comments that followed - really struck a chord with me.

Calling a marriage a failure is damaging to our society. Imagine what it is like to be a child of divorced parents and hearing that statement (a failed marriage) throughout one's life. No wonder they are more likely to experience divorce themselves.

Before I go into my own experience and thoughts on this, let me begin by explaining that my parents are married and have been together for over 35 years. They've had their difficult years and there was a time in my life where I actually wanted them to get a divorce. I felt (because I was 16 and knew so much about the world) that my mom should leave my dad and life would be peachy keen for everyone (a.k.a. me).

Obviously, I thank my lucky stars that they are still together since I see them now and realize how much I have learned from them and their relationship. No one walks into marriage without baggage and no one walks away from one without regret.


Two people come together, fall in love, make each other complete. They try to get along and lead a happy life, but over time something changes and they can’t. They split and move on.

Is that failure? If they grew from the experience, it’s evolution. If being married forced that change, then maybe the marriage served its purpose and it’s a success.


Yep, I think growth and change is definitely an evolution and our society is not one to embrace such change, unfortunately. Change and growth are scary things to many people and it's that fear that leads to talking about marriage as either a success or failure that is damaging.

If we succeed at something, doesn't that typically mean we no longer have goals we are trying to reach? We've exceeded our expectations and we no longer have to put forth any effort? Um, no.

If one chooses to remain single (and never marries) does that mean they have failed as well? NO! Marriage should not be seen as something that we need to win or lose at (success vs. fail) but rather, an experience and a relationship that changes us (hopefully, for the better). There are certainly many experiences and relationships in one's lifetime that also produce change and we would never label them as a failure or a success. Why do we put so much pressure on marriage?

My marriage ended over two years ago. My son was a result of that relationship and I would - if only because of him - have to say that our marriage was a success. I have no regrets (although I had plenty of guilt) and I have no doubt in my mind that my son will grow up to have a healthy self-esteem, parents that love him unconditionally, and an equal and fair chance at finding that one person to spend the rest of his life with as the rest of us.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

10 Things Men Wish Women Would Know

I have been shopping around (so to speak) for relationship advice lately as many people I know have been coming to me (for who knows what reason) to ask me for my thoughts and insight on marriage and the future of love and intimacy as I know it.

Alright, so my suggestions usually fall along the lines of, "Here's What NOT To Do," based on my personal experience with a failed marriage and several failed relationships before and afterwards.

Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites have introduced me to may blog, including the lylah blog. Even though this post is from last year, there are relevant ideas here for any relationship (not just marriage)

I need to preface this by saying that I am not a religious person. Even though I grew up Catholic and spent the majority of my education at Catholic schools, I don't pray or attend church (unless there's a wedding, baptism or funeral to attend) but I do consider myself a spiritual person.

The reason why I bring this up is that I want to tell you about my experience with the Bible. I read many stories from the Bible growing up and got many things from it. I believe that there are many great lessons to be learned within the pages, whether or not one believes in the stories from a faith point-of-view or, as in my experience, if you enjoy quotes and the power of language.

Let's face it. The Bible is well-written and well-edited. With my publishing background and love of literature, I look at the Bible much differently as an adult. There are passages and stories written by different people in this collection, and you would be hard-pressed to find one that is not a good storyteller.

I'm getting off track here. What I do want to say though, before I continue with the point of this post, is that I read the Bible as I would any other book. I read between the lines, I disregard some parts of it while re-read others.

The biblical quotes that are included in this list from the lylah blog are powerful and relevant to the message she's trying to communicate. I encourage you to create your own list (with your partner) to be sure to have a better understanding of his or her needs.

Finally, the list:

   10 Things Men Want Women to Take to Heart:
  1. Don't Try to Change Me
  2. Respect Me
  3. Understand
  4. Pray for Me
  5. See Me as God Sees Me
  6. Let Me Be Me
  7. Let me OWN the Responsibility
  8. Feed Me (I take this to mean both physically and spiritually)
  9. Build Me Up
  10. Express Your Discontent & Disappointment in Me Without Anger
I would be curious to know what men would want their wives to know and vice versa, that are not included in this list. I encourage you to add them in the comments below.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Happy Being Single

It's interesting to see how single women and men, with or without children, seem to always be questioned about their relationship status. My friends from college joined me last night for drinks. There were five us there and each of us had quite a unique situation going on in our lives and each one of us was perfectly content with the way things are going.

I chat an awful lot about my personal relationships so readers know that I'm content being single, and am still having many of my needs met from different sources in my life. Let me share with you the status of the four friends that were at my table.



One friend is married. He has a toddler and Baby #2 on the way. Another friend is engaged and getting ready to start her life in a new city with her future husband. Another friend is preparing for her wedding next year. They have been together for about a decade and have a son together. They've been living as a married couple for many years but are making it official next summer. And last, but certainly not least, there was a friend there who is also single. He has no children, has never been married and is not dating anyone at the moment.

Each one of our situations and experiences are quite unique. Each one of us is pretty honest and open about the way our lives have turned out and brought us to the place we are now. I am so pleased that we have been able to keep in touch and that we all make time to get together every once in a while to catch up.

Since my single friend and I had much in common - between people asking us about marriage and whether or not we'll settle down with anyone and questions about kids and whether or not we see babies in our future, I decided to talk to him about being single.

The two of us continued the conversation after the others at the table went home. He and I discussed how satisfied we are with our lives right now and the idea that somehow every one is meant to have a life partner doesn't quite work for us.

I think that, for me, I was always meant to be alone. And being alone no longer equates to loneliness. I admit, there are times I feel lonely and yearn for people who are far away, or miss having someone to wake up with each morning, but for the most part, I enjoy single life.

I like dating and getting to know people and having them in my life for certain periods of time and for different reasons. I am not actively looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with or be a dad figure to my son. I would be perfectly happy if I were in the same position by the time I turn forty.

There is one thing that I do think about changing with regards to my family. I would like to have a second child someday. Perhaps even a third. Do I start trying to conceive now so my son would be five when I have the second, or do I wait until a man comes along that is willing to help me raise a child?

Many men, and women, choose to be single parents from day one. There's a term for them. They're called intentionally single parents and while I don't think I would ever label myself this way if I did decide to raise another baby on my own, I do think that there needs to be more support for these types of families.

I think I'll throw it out there to the men in my life, the fact that I want to have another baby someday. Actually, most of them already know that I wouldn't mind having a second. What I don't think I've shared with them is that I wouldn't mind taking on that job solo. I wonder how many men would be willing to be a donor, willing to help me make this happen while being able to step aside and let me play Mom one more time.

What do you think? Is this a selfish decision that one makes or is this me craving a baby because I'm spending time this week with my 8 week old nephew? The jury's still out on what will happen next and I don't like living in absolutes. I'd be curious to know what readers think.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Book Review: The Five Love Languages

It took me some time to finally read The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate since it was written for those who are married. I highly recommend this book to every married couple and those who are engaged. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that if I had read this book while still married, I would not be a single mom today.



Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language.


Looking back, I can see now that my ex-husband and I definitely were speaking different love languages and we never did learn each other's language. His love language is Acts of Service whereas mine is Quality Time. The others love languages, outlined by author Gary Chapman, are Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts and Words of Affirmation.

Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage.

If you are married, engaged, or know a couple who are preparing for a lifetime together, The Five Love Languages makes a great read and a wonderful gift to pass along.

Also by Gary Chapman:
The Five Love Languages for Singles
The Five Love Languages of Children
The Five Love Languages of Teenagers
The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships

UPDATE: If you have read this book, please let me know in the comments how long you and your partner have been together. If you're not in a committed relationship at the moment, please let me know how (or if) this book changed your perspective.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Tips for Spicing Up Your Love Life

Zen Habits provides great advice and healthy suggestions for living a more balanced life. While this list was created as a tip for those who want to create more passion and energy in their marriage (written by Corey of The Simple Marriage Project), I feel it is necessary to pass along these suggestions to anyone looking to spice things up in their current relationship:
  • Grow Spiritually
  • Learn to Live Complaint-Free
  • Live Passionately

  • Live Simply
  • Have Sex
  • Live in Community
For details on what exactly these suggestions mean and how to incorporate them into your daily rituals, head on over to Zen Habits...and tell them I sent you!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

You Can Use This

This week's edition of Parenting News You Can Use (published by INCAF) is now available! This week's articles include:
  • Couples’ Communication
  • Talk to the Animals
  • Three Grin Salad
  • Temperament in Infancy Indicates Later Behavior
  • The Way We See It
  • Marriage: Connecting Deeply
  • Cholesterol Drugs and Children
  • Family Meals Provide More than Just Food
  • Nine Alternatives to Spanking
Don't forget to send me your questionnaire on sex. I'm seeking more responses so kindly forward this to anyone willing to help me prepare for my upcoming course on teaching sexual health and education to young people. Don't be shy. All responses will be kept confidential.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Inspiration for a Satisfying Session of Sex

I used to think of Redbook as a magazine for older, married women, but now, suddenly I am that woman (except for the married part)! So help me, I now find myself perusing the covers at the grocery store and just lately, I've been reading their articles on line, including the latest round up of Sex Tips and Tricks.



Keep your panties on and come back often as we indulge in a crash course of ways to heat things up in the bedroom:
  1. 21 Little Sex Moves That Will Rock Your World (And His)!
  2. What I Learned in Sex School
  3. 20 Amazing Sex Secrets
  4. Sex Secrets of Women Men Love
  5. The New Sex Rules
  6. Feel Sexy Fast
  7. Sex Life Road Test
  8. The Shy Girl's Guide to Satisfaction (In Bed)
  9. Can I Really Have Sex There?
  10. Make the Ultimate Sex Connection
  11. 8 Kinds of Sex Every Couple Should Try
  12. 4 Weeks to a Hotter, Happier, More Satisfying Sex Life
  13. 12 Easy Moves to Make Your Sex Life Hotter
  14. Beyond the G-Spot
  15. The Sex Trick Busy Couples Swear By
  16. Love Your Sex Life
  17. Movie Sex: How to Have It
  18. Sexier Sex
  19. Quality Quickies
  20. 35 Sexy Places to Touch Your Man
  21. Double (or Triple) Your Pleasure In Bed: Multiple Orgasms
  22. DIY: Erotic Photographs
  23. Climactic Convergence: How to Peak at the Same Time
  24. 6 Surprise Hot Zones
  25. Why You Should Have Sex Tonight
  26. Secrets of Couples Who Have Lots of Sex
  27. How To Never Be Too Tired for Sex
  28. The Long-Lost Secret to Great Sex
  29. Hollywood's Best Sex Secrets
  30. 31 Ways to Say "Yes" To Sex
  31. 53 Secrets to Make Sex Sizzle
  32. The Sex Skill No Man Can Resist
  33. Spice Up Your Sex Life
  34. Make Love...Just Like in a Romance Novel
  35. Hot and Bothered
  36. 7 Sex Milestones That Bring You Closer Together
  37. Men Confess: "Our Hottest Night Ever"
  38. The Best Position for Making Love
  39. 12 Amazing Sex Tricks He Secretly Wants You to Know
Whether you're married or single (and can get past the references to husbands in the above articles), you will be able to use these tips to enjoy a steamy session with your partner.

Don't forget to bookmark this page so you can come back to enjoy more secrets for more satisfying sessions of sex.

Monday, July 28, 2008

ParenTeam: Stay-At-Home-Dads and Their Working Woman

Millions of dads are saying NO to corporate life and opting to stay home with their children.

Dual-income, stressed-out families are taking back their lives and embracing an alternative that provides more balance, control and happiness.



ParenTeam is devoted to making life easier by offering the best advice, inspiration and tricks-of-the-trade to help the stay-at-home husband work together with his working wife as a parenting team.

The work-family balancing act takes on new meaning when a stay-at-home dad is at the helm. At ParenTeam, you'll get a behind-the-scenes glimpse into the daily life of a successful SAHD and see how he handles kitchen duty, household chores, discipline, shopping, schlepping around town, bedtime/naptime hassles and how he sprinkles everything he does with hugs & kisses.