Breaking the Law

This weekend, my grandparents will be celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, along with my grandma's 80th birthday. Her and my grandpa have seven children, most of whom now have grandchildren of their own. They have a total of thirteen grandkids and twelve great-grandkids so far.

My son and I will be the only ones out of the above referenced individuals who will not be there for the event. My heart is breaking right now just thinking about it but, since my ex-husband will not grant permission for me to leave the state with our son, we'll be here instead.

Up until yesterday, I was planning on getting on that plane with my son tonight, even though it would be considered a federal offense and no doubt my ex would have an Amber Alert issued for the 'kidnapping' of our child. Several of my friends had to talk me through how that would not be a good idea and how, more than likely, it would be used against me in the future where any custody arrangements or schedule is concerned.

My ex-husband doesn't have a large family. It's his mom, his sister, and him and I can't help but feel sorry for him when family events come up for me because he reacts the same way each time. I have to work hard to convince him to let us go and even harder to ignore him when he tells me how selfish I am and only thinking of myself when I ask his permission.

Our son has a family that loves him, that wants to spend time with him, and whom I want him to create memories with but it's very difficult being so far away and at times, I often wonder if things will ever change. Will the courts ever grant me permission to move back? Will I ever have the courage to request such a move again?

These are not easy decisions to make, but today I am wondering what's left for me here. I can write from anywhere and being closer to my friends and family would greatly benefit me - emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I blossom (as does my son) when we're there...

When mama is happy, everyone is happy.

Mother & Daughter Reunion

I spent the day in Detroit on Monday at the GM Product & Technology event with several friends and met some new people who I look forward to connecting with again.

Sugar Jones invited her daughter to be there as her guest and it was so much fun to see the two of them together since it was my first time meeting the eldest of her children. I watched them interact throughout the day, laughing with each other (sometimes at each other) and I was amazed and touched by the two of them and how they just kept smiling the entire time.

My mom is far away, although I see her and the rest of my family as often as I can, but it just occurred to me - while watching Sugar and her daughter - that I would love to have a mother/daughter relationship like that someday too (a daughter of my own, I mean).

This morning, I found out that one of my pregnant friends is having a girl. She is so excited about the idea of going shopping with her someday, or getting a manicure and seeing "girly" movies together when she's older.

I think about having a second child often. Of course, it's not something that will happen anytime soon, but seeing the mother & daughters together that I know, and spending time with my own mom really encourages that craving, once again.

And then suddenly I recall how very awful I was as a daughter - hormonal, emotional and so, so bitchy. I don't know how my mother ever put up with me. Which only means that if I have another boy, I'll be just as happy.

All parent/child relationships are unique. Some better than others, but I've learned so much from my son, so far, that I can't help but want at least one more.

I can't imagine falling in love with another human being as much as I love my son, but I think it's fair to say that there's enough to go around.

Grandma Says I Can!

The Juicebox Jungle has a new video up this week, entitled "Grandma Says I Can!" which is all about the relationship between our children and their grandparents. Many parents bite their tongues when it comes to the situations our parents or in-laws let our offspring get away with. They never let us get away with those same things when we were their age.

My mom and dad live thousands of miles away. My son's other grandma lives even further. So, needless to say, I pretty much accept the fact that their role will consist of some spoiling behavior and I just shake my head when I see my parents give my son chocolate in between meals.

My mom (aka Grandma Sylvie) continues to inspire me. She takes care of my nephews at least once a week and even survived an overnight with the 1-year-old.

She sent me some great quotes about being a grandparent and I suspect there's probably many more which she felt the need to filter out!

"Grandchildren: The only people who get more out of you than the IRS." - Gene Perret

"My grandchild has taught me what true love means. It means watching Scooby-Doo cartoons while the basketball game is on another channel." - Gene Perret

If you're a grandparent, please share your favorite quote with us. If you have a parent (or grandparent) in your life who can appreciate this, please pass it along. We wouldn't be here if it weren't for them!

Feeling Homesick

I'm visiting my family & friends this week in Minnesota, celebrating many different things, including the wedding of my college friends, my nephew's first birthday and of course, Father's Day.

It's always a whirlwind of a trip whenever we come, trying to cram in as many family visits as possible and squeeze in as many happy hours with friends. One thing I've really been reminded of this time is how precious family truly is

My parents have been keeping an eye on my son while I get some work done (like right now) and my sister and her husband took on an extra child for the night while I enjoyed the wedding and reception of my friends of nearly 15 years.

For those of you who have parents or in-laws close by, be grateful for them, even if there are things they do or say that you might not agree with

I'll miss my family when we get back to our house, but as they say, "Home is where your Mom is" and even though my son is a little homesick now (missing California), my version of being homesick is a little different and I'll miss my family and friends when I return to our place and lives in Southern California

Luckily, my mom and I have discussed having her a bit more involved long-distance, which means she'll be writing on this blog on occasion, offering some grandmotherly advice and providing some great stories about her own childhood and how parenting has changed now that she's a grandmother.

Stay tuned for more...

What Moms Really Think about Grandparents!

A few months back I was asked to provide input for an article that Susan Avery was putting together for Grandparents.com. She asked for my opinion on whether or not my mom or mother-in-law interferes or if I could offer some general advice for grandparents.

I was happy to share my two cents, which appears in her slide show, along with over a dozen other suggestions from some pretty amazing Mommy Bloggers.

Here's a list of the bloggers who are included in the slide show and whom I am honored to be listed alongside:

• Tara Mandy from Stroller Traffic
• Michelle Little from One Chic Mama
• Valerie Gray from Mom Knows it All
• Ada Calhoun from Babble
• Sue Waite-Langley from Creative Tutors
• Kimberly Coleman from Mom in the City
• Ashley Sanders from Boss Sanders
• Cheryl Lage from Twinfatuation
• Deb Steenhagen from Mom of 3 Girls
• Diane Kidman from dk Mommy Spot
• Jennifer Singer from Momma Said
• Glennia Campbell from The Silent T
• Debbie Arora from Missives from Suburbia
• Anna Fader from Mommy Poppins
• Dawn Yun from The Writing Mamas Salon
• Carissa Rogers from Good N Crazy
• Jill Smokler from Scary Mommy
• Kim Kotecki from Kim & Jason Escape Adulthood
• Jo-Lynne Shane from Musings of a Housewife
• Debbie Abrams Kaplan from frisco kids
• Holli Gould from Life is What You Make It
• Maggie Cheung from Mighty Maggie
• Michele Dortch from The Integrated Mother
• Heather L. Sanders from Oh My Stinkin Heck
  

Some highlights from the advice to grandparents (in my opinion):

Don't poo-poo your kid's parenting rules, especially when it comes to safety. While you likely did a fine job raising children without such modern gadgets as car seats, door gates, and electrical outlet covers, your kids are relying on solid modern data — and in some cases, laws — to make their safety decisions. And frankly, they're just trying to do what they think is right for your grandchildren.

The grandparents want to send cash in an envelope for a 7-year-old's birthday. This is like a non-gift to a kid. Instead? Schedule an afternoon, just grandma and granddaughter. Go get a milk shake. Nothing else. Just time.

Grandparents, be young again with your grandkids. Get on the floor and roll around with them, even if you need help getting back up. If you're in a wheelchair, take them for rides! You don't have to spend a lot of money to make memories. Play checkers. Bake cookies. Go fishing. Read stories. Dress up. Catch fireflies. Eat ice cream. Let your grandkids see the silliest parts of you.

All I really want from you is the opportunity to nap. Just come over, take control of your grandchildren and send me to my room. That's truly all I want from you.

Now, my advice to you, after reading this: Go call your grandparents.

How Do You Define Love?

Around Valentine's Day, my son's teacher got married. They talked about her wedding in the classroom and we talked about it at home, as well. One night, just before bed, he asked me if I had ever been married to his dad. I told him that we had been married and when he asked for how many minutes, I smiled, and told him that we had been married for thousands of minutes. He liked that answer, but then went on to tell me that his dad no longer loves me.

I think about that word quite often ever since we had this discussion. We use the word, "love," quite frequently in everyday conversation, and yet, my son, at age 5, understands that it is also a word reserved for a special type of relationship that no longer exists between his father and I.

Without hesitating, I told my son that night that I still love his father, and that I don't love him, or anyone else, because I expect anything in return.

• I love ice cream.
• I love my new shoes.
• I love your new haircut.
• I love it when you smile.
• I love that song.
• I love getting hugs.
• I love watching the sunset.
• I love singing my son to sleep.

Many people find it difficult to express this type of love and understanding. I tell my current boyfriend that I love him and I am perfectly fine with the fact that he is not able to reciprocate since he lets me know in other ways how much I mean to him.

To me, love is acceptance, understanding and appreciation. I am very grateful for the role certain people play in my life.

I know that loving others is all about accepting them for who they are, knowing that they are perfect in every way, my ex-husband included.

I love the fact that he calls me just to tell me how our son's day was. I love that he and our son met me for breakfast to have a Family Meeting over the weekend. I love my son's father for being such an amazing dad and putting our son first at all times.

I love the fact that I don't have to worry about a thing when my son is with his dad. I can sleep in, or go to bed early and trust that our son is taken care of and will be back with me when it's "my time," to be with him again. I love the fact that my son gets the best of both worlds. He learns so much from me and just as much from his father. He truly is lucky to have such loving and passionate parents.

Just recently, after another discussion about self-acceptance, my son looked in the mirror and said, "I love you." Now, when I say these same words to him he responds, "I love me too," and I know that he truly gets it.

I love our family. The three of us are unique, beautiful and perfect. What's not to love?

None of this self-acceptance and unconditional love would have been possible without the Knowledge of Y.O.U. Grounded in science and founded in nature, the Y.O.U. Consulting Group has brought me such great understanding and freedom that I want to share it with everyone I meet. I'm currently a Certified Level III Practitioner and look forward to introducing you to the Knowledge. For information or to meet with me for a one-on-one consultation, please email me directly for details.

Road to the White House

With the Obama Inauguration just a few days from today, I thought it was perfect timing to mention the great book series written by Mitali Perkins, called First Daughter. In the first book, Extreme American Makeover, Sameera Righton, the only daughter of Republican Presidential candidate, James Righton, is asked by her father's campaign staff, to reinvent herself.

Actually, she's being reinvented by them no matter how she feels about it. With the new clothes, make-up, hair styles and even a new blog written by a paid ghost-writer, her new All-American image is supposed to help boost her father's image despite the fact that Sparrow (as her family refers to her) is asked to subtly remove her true identity from the campaign.

Luckily, Sparrow has her own blog and even though it's only read by a few dozen inside her inner circle, it provides her with great freedom and a chance to express herself and get the love and support she needs to deal with a media campaign that's testing her and her family on a daily basis.

Sparrow is like most 17-year-olds, which is what made this story so realistic and her voice so appealing. No, most teenagers you know were probably not born in Pakistan, or adopted or have parents in the political forefront. But what does hold true is that both Sparrow and others around that age do a lot of soul searching to find their own voice that is both genuine and confident, holding on to the values, culture and beliefs that make them so unique.

Many young people, whether they're in front of the camera or not, go through a sort of crisis of identity, somewhere between being a child and becoming an adult. These 'tween years can be a challenge to everyone, parent and child.

This book is recommended for anyone dealing with someone at this stage (parent, 'tween, or teacher) since it is a wonderfully written, insightful story that deals with friendship, first crushes, politics, culture, religion, family and remaining true to oneself, despite the outside forces that tend to influence us.

The second book in the series, White House Rules, marks the beginning of Sparrow's life as a First Daughter. Will she be able to maintain her identity and her friendships as life as the President's Daughter keeps her pampered, protected and living a fairy tale lifestyle? She may need a disguise to help her survive the next four years.

Luckily, Malia and Sasha Obama are young enough to enjoy the pleasures of childhood as they move into the White House and start their new life in Washington D.C. I look forward to seeing the First Daughters grow up and find their own voices. I may even start to search for blogs written by them from behind the scenes.

Great Grandmas

It's hard to be away from my family during the holiday season but this year, with my grandmother passing, it's especially difficult for me to be thousands of miles away, unable to grieve with my loved ones or be there for her funeral.

I will be honoring her in my own way tomorrow, remembering the special woman who lived to be ninety after raising seven children on her own. She never once complained so I will think of her when I go through a challenging moment with my one and only child, and try especially hard to stay positive, like my grandma always did.

My grandmother truly was a unique individual and I will miss her dearly. My son was only nine months old when he met her for the first time. Here he is with my mom and my grandmother, back in 2004.

Three generations and three people who mean the world to me.

Life and Death

Yesterday afternoon, I learned that my maternal grandmother passed away. This did not come as a big surprise, as she had been in hospice care since Thanksgiving weekend. Still, death is never easy to deal with and being so far away from my mom and family right now is especially difficult.

Talking to my son about my grandmother's death was also something that was not easy. Family is very important to me. I want to pass on to my son the value of relationships and the appreciation of family and respect and admiration for previous generations. How do I do that when we don't get a chance to spend time with my extended family as much as I would like to?

My grandmother was the first person to find my son's ticklish spot (under his chin) when he was just nine months old. Of course, she's amazing with babies and children since she had seven children, fifteen grandchildren and sixteen great-grandchildren. Her husband died when her oldest (my mother) was just fifteen. She'd been through a lot in her 90+ years on this planet.

A book that I plan to share with my son is And What Comes After a Thousand?, a beautifully illustrated and touching story about an old man and a young girl who share so much together. After his passing, Lisa must come to grips with her loss and finally recognizes that Otto will always be with her, just not in the same way.


It's one of those books that you know you'll want to share with loved ones but is definitely not a bedtime story or one that you anticipate having a reason to read with a child. I'm bringing a copy home today and will set aside a special time to talk with my son about life and death.

He's got the life part down, almost. Just last night he asked me if he could have a little brother. This was followed by him trying to "see" if there was a baby in my belly. How do I explain that not everyone with a "belly" has a baby inside? I wish there were a book that spoke about that sensitive subject.

Giving Thanks

This year, I'm grateful for:

My son - He's nearly five and he is becoming such a mature young man. He makes me laugh on a regular basis and inspires me to be the best mom I can possibly be. I'm so proud of him and all he's learning and accomplishing.

My son's teachers - There are many teachers who work with my son on a weekly basis. From the two teachers in his classroom, to the Spanish, Art, Music, PE and Enrichment classes, these amazing educators put so much time and energy into each and every child that they teach.

My parents - My mom and dad are always there for me when I need them. They've flown out to San Diego so many times since my son was born that I couldn't possibly pay them back for all the miles and airport adventures they've experienced on our behalf. They're flying out again in mid-December and I couldn't be more thrilled to have them here for both Christmas and my son's 5th birthday.

My sister - She's put up with me for years and still manages to listen, offer advice and know me better than anyone ever could. She's a great mom, a super-cool aunt, a wonderful friend, fabulous wife, and an amazing massage therapist!

My ex-husband - He's put up with my moods and listened to my opinions whether he's agreed with me or not (mostly not). He's always there for our son and helps me out when I truly need it. He's a fantastic father and I love seeing my son's face light up when he gets dropped off at his dad's house or when he gets picked up from mine.

My co-workers - These are the women I see on a daily basis. They've seen me through a wedding, pregnancy and supported me through my divorce. They have truly become great friends and mentors who have guided me in my career and helped me in "real" life.

My colleagues - For providing emotional support, offering suggestions and allowing me to do the same.

My clients - For trusting me with their parenting issues and allowing me to work closely with their families and recommending me to other moms and dads.

My readers - I'm truly grateful for my readers, who loyally visit the sites I write at (here, Intent, and the Examiner) and leave comments, provide great feedback and share my site with others.

My friends - For those who follow me on Twitter, Facebook, or who know me in the offline world, I could not have gotten through the last few years without them, especially those who listened to me bitch, complain and allowed me to share my random thoughts at wee hours in the morning.

What and who are you thankful for this year? If you have a blog, add yours to the I am Thankful Meme, hosted by Mommy Community.

Happy Healthy Hip Parents

I've been a Mom for just under five years. There should be a celebration for parents when we reach that milestone.

Among family, friends, colleagues and clients, I know some pretty amazing Moms and Dads. Many of us don't get the recognition that we deserve for our sleepless nights, endless worries and countless miles of carpooling our drooling, crying, adorable kids from doctor's appointments to soccer practice, play dates to birthday parties.

Most parents may not think of themselves worthy of a Parent of the Year award, but they're definitely Happy Healthy Hip Parents 24/7.

High school friends I've been reacquainted with online, parents who blog while their kids are at school (or sleeping), and friends who I've met at play dates and Mommy's groups, will be highlighted here over the next few weeks.

I look forward to sharing their stories and giving props to parents who raise happy, healthy, hip kids - one of the most rewarding jobs you could ever have.

I Heart Obama

The votes are still being counted but I can’t help but want to celebrate. Never before, in my lifetime, have I been as moved as when Barack Obama speaks.

I’ve heard Presidents and leaders of all races, sex and religions speak, either live or in footage from years and moments past. Dr. Martin Luther King spoke with great authority, sincerity and in a respectful and loving manner.

The parenting classes I am certified to teach demand that parents seek the respect they deserve from their children while instilling a safe and comfortable environment for them to grow, explore, ask, learn and choose from.

My son knows much about the election process and this year’s candidates since I’ve been watching nothing else but the campaign trail, watching footage on TV, viewing videos online, reading articles in newspapers, opinions from all sorts and feel inspired, excited and aroused by the Obama campaign.

Each and every time I hear or see Obama, I fall a bit deeper in love. He is someone who I trust, admire, respect and yes, love. He has an energy that surrounds him that can be seen by all (who have not walked through life wearing blinders).

This morning, I made a comment on how Barack Obama was going to be the next President and my next husband. My son didn’t miss a beat. He said, “No, he’s not going to be your next husband.” I didn’t want to argue since he chose this statement to disagree with (as opposed to the comment I made about his role in U.S.).

I asked my son who he thought my next husband would be and again, without hesitation, he said – in a tone that reminded me of his father – “You should find a guy name NEVER.”

Laughter is truly the best medicine and the things my son comes up with are priceless. I’ll get over it – the fact that Barack Obama will not be my next husband, but I have no doubt that he will be known after tomorrow, as President Obama.

Congratulations – in advance – to the Obama family, The First Lady and First Daughters. I am honored that my son will have the memory of this historical moment to look back on as his first introduction to American politics.

Community Members

I celebrated the one year anniversary of this blog not that long ago and I'm amazed at how quickly things have evolved for me and how many wonderful people I have met along over the last twelve months.

People often ask me how I find the time to write and how I find the content to include. I read articles about parenting, blog posts about children, and I receive newsletters that inspire me as well as discovering people through our connections on line, whether it be through LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace or from reading the comments left on the blogs that I read and simply clicking through and making new friends in the process.

There are several people I have met that I'd like to introduce my community members to. One, in particular, is a woman named Cathy Northcutt who I spent yesterday afternoon with. She's a wonderful example of Passionate Parenting and has inspired me to take my company in new directions and I applaud her efforts of using her experience as a Life Coach and mother of two to inspire others to explore their opportunities through insight and support.

Cathy and I met through our connection with the RCB Team of Certified Parent Educators here in San Diego. She too, taught at the RCB conference and sat in on my class about The Birds & the Bees.

She does many wonderful things which I will highlight in future posts, such as her journal entitled Who Am I? (which I'll be reviewing soon), but the one thing I can't wait to share is her weekly Telegathering which is held every Tuesday night.

Join in the Passionate Parent Coaching Call which is free (other than the long-distance phone call to dial in). During the first half of the sixty-minute session, Cathy will discuss a specific parenting issue, such as teaching self-control, handling sibling rivalry, or balancing work & family. The second half of the session will be open for questions.

I plan on being there this, and every, Tuesday night so I encourage you to visit Cathy's website, learn more about her, whether or not you're ready for a Life Coach, or get to know yourself better by answering the questions she provides.

Be sure to RSVP for the Tuesday night Coaching Call and please let Cathy know that you heard about her here. Once you confirm that you'll be calling in, she'll provide you with the phone number and access code. I'll see you on the call Tuesday, October 7th at 8:30pm (PST).

To learn more about her services and retreats by visiting her site:
www.CathyNorthcutt.com

What Does Love Mean?

The one thing I miss about my marriage is my in-laws. That's right. I actually enjoyed spending time with my son's paternal aunt and grandma. I don't hear from them anymore, except on rare occasion that Grandma J forwards me an email that she wants to share.

They're almost always those emails that require you to forward them on to a certain number of people in order to guarantee your health, happiness, luck or prayers answered.

Whichever the case may be, this is my version of forwarding the message on. This one was worth sharing:

What Love means to a 4-8 year old:
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

And the final one:

A four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy replied, "Nothing. I just helped him cry."

Now, don't forget to forward this to at least five of your friends...or else.

Invest in Your Community!

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting offers unique parenting workshops based on the Redirecting Children's Behavior program.

Your support makes it possible for us to work with families of all income levels.

Invest in your community today! Begin by checking out this logo gear that comes in variety of styles and sizes.

My personal favorites are the Messenger/Diaper Bag, the License Plate Frame, Bumper Sticker, and of course, the Ceramic Travel Mug.

Hotslings for Hot Mamas

My sister received the Black Ecru Floral sling from hotslings a few weeks ago after they announced that they'd be launching their new fall line at the upcoming ABC Kids Expo event in Las Vegas. I look forward to seeing the hot new patterns in person but, in the meantime, my sister is enjoying the sling and figuring out which way she and her new baby are most comfortable when he's snuggled up inside it, snuggled up next to her. The sling is not only comfy for both mom and baby, but lovely in its appearance as well.

Custody Battles

I love reading about custody schedules that work for everyone involved. I adore families who get along for the sake of their children and appreciate stories of divorced couples who remain friends.

Let's face it, though, this is not always the case and for every story that includes a happy ending, there are those that are sadly dysfunctional and even harmful.

My situation is no exception. When my husband filed for a divorce in 2006, I was mad. I was angry, hurt, confused, depressed, guilty, and pretty much in denial until he moved out two months later. It was a long two months. I don't think I slept at all during that time, nor did I have a pleasant word to say to or about him.

Needless to say, I've learned to put my feelings aside to focus on the needs of our son. It certainly hasn't been easy and we battled it out in court for quite some time since I tried to seek the court's approval to move - with my son - back to Minnesota where my family lives, and where I grew up.

I wanted to raise my son near family; my sister's family and my parents ,in particular. The fact that my ex-husband's family lives on the East Coast played a major role in my decision as well since I argued that we'd be closer to them once we moved. I had fully anticipated that the court would grant this request and that my husband would eventually get over his feelings so we could focus on the needs of our son.

I was not expecting the court to deny my request but they - at that time - felt that my son was too young to be "taken away" from his father. Those were the words my ex used to describe what I was trying to do. He felt that I was trying to deny his right to be in our son's life and was upset with me for trying to take our son away from him.

Last week, I was in Minnesota, without my son. It was hard for me - extremely difficult - to think about what life would be like if my son and I lived there. He would be able to grow up with his cousins (dozens of them) and run around outside and, most likely, I would be able to buy a house with a yard and provide him with a childhood filled with happy memories like I have from growing up there.

The judge did mention that I could come back to court when our son was older to make this request again - to move to Minnesota - away from his father. I think about this every day and have even questioned whether or not I could move to Minnesota on my own and leave my son behind. I come to the same conclusion every time.

You can imagine how difficult it would be for me to live somewhere without my son. What he is "missing out on" is only in my mind since he knows nothing other than California as home and his mom and dad as family.

As he gets older, I have a feeling he will want to be with his father more often which is understandable. I am much closer to my mom and have been since I was young - another reason why it's so hard to live thousands of miles away.

My sister and I spent last week together with her two young boys. I miss them all. My friends and family mean the world to me and it's a difficult decision I've made to live here until my son is old enough to understand my desire to be closer to the rest of my family. That doesn't make it any easier but it does provide me with more reason to share with my loved ones just how much they mean to me, no matter where I call home.

Proud Mama

Michael Phelps has made history with his 8 Gold Medals and a World Record. One medal after the other...

What's amazing to me is the fact that, not only was Michael diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but he was also raised (along with his two sisters) by a single mom.

This isn't unusual, really. Tom Cruise, Bill Clinton, and Bill Cosby were raised by single moms. Even Barack Obama was brought up in a single parent home.

What bothers me is that there's many different definitions of "single mom," and it's usually one that is the complete opposite of who I am.

I admit, my son's father and I went through a stressful and drawn-out divorce (due to me and my bitterness), but now, we get along great and I don't know what I'd do without his support. My son is with his dad right now, thousands of miles away. My son's father is more involved than many dads. We're lucky to have him.

Yes, I'm a single mom, which - to me - means that I am single and I am a mom. Nothing in those two words hint at whether or not there is a father figure in my son's life but, there is. My son has many men in his life that act as positive role models for him. Right now, my son is spending 8 days with his dad on the East Coast, while I teach a parenting course and visit my family and friends back home.

I get to meet my sister's youngest son (only 8 weeks old) for the first time today. I'm thrilled to finally meet him and spend the week spoiling him and his older brother. I haven't blogged about it much or talked about it only because it's difficult for me to be so far away but it gets easier as time goes by since I have so much to focus on, besides how quickly time flies by...while I'm having fun.

I am also going to spend time with my friends from college, meet my best friend's (from high school) fiance, and, of course, get caught up in my reading - both on line and in print.

I look forward to sharing my travel experiences here so stay tuned for stories from the Midwest, where people are known for being real, honest and sincere. Minnesota Nice. I can't wait to be back home.

Book Review: Reconcilable Differences

In the words of Nietzsche, "What does not kill you makes you stronger."

When I read the back of the book, RECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES: Marriages End Families Don't, by Cate Cochran, I literally embraced it and knew I had to have it. In ten chapters, featuring the stories of ten unique families, Cate shares inspirational and unconventional ways that these families have remained intact even after the parents' marriages have come to an end.

My ex-husband and I no longer live in the same home, but I tend to believe that our situation is more like the families' in this book than other couples we've met who have also had to redefine family live after a divorce.

When we first separated, my husband and I each took a co-parenting class called Parents' Turn. It was a class that was meant to fulfill our requirements for the court during our high conflict divorce and we each walked away from that class feeling very lucky considering how well we were getting along compared to those we met along the way.

One of the things that struck me the most was when the instructor pointed out that: Someday, when our son decides to marry, or have a child of his own, it will be necessary for his father and I to be in the same room. Our son may want us both to walk him down the aisle, for example, or be there when his baby is baptized or celebrates a birthday.

Looking towards the future - and the future of our relationship - forced me to step back and put aside my own feelings and really focus on getting along with his father and reconfiguring our family in a positive way. Not only did we start communicating more often after our separation, but to this day, we make sure that both of us are there on our son's birthday and special occasions to celebrate with him.

Back to the book: Ten couples, all with different reasons for ending their marriages, were brave enough to experiment with the family dynamics in their home by continuing to reside together, under the same roof, so their children could have both parents involved in their lives on a daily basis.

My ex-husband and I discussed this idea, briefly. Unfortunately, neither one of us were in a place, emotionally, to work together on this. Discovering that your spouse brings out the worst in you (and vice versa) is reason enough to no longer live together. I don't think that this solution (of living together after a divorce) works for each and every family, but I have a great deal of respect for those who can make it work. They sacrifice many of their own needs and wants in order for it to happen.

What I found most inspiring about the stories inside RECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES, are the lessons that the children learned from their experiences (and their parents' experiments) with the re-creation of family life:

"It's a bizarre idea to think that staying in an unhappy situation is good, because kids know what's going on. It might not be said out loud, but we know...If you can figure out a way to be happy, the pieces will fall into place." - Maggie, 21 (she was 6 years old when her parents "transitioned")

"I wasn't mad at them for their marriage not working, but I was mad that they had tried to hide it." - Julie (age 12)

Bethan, still a toddler when her parents separated, gave her mother a card which conveyed her true feelings when she was old enough to put her thoughts into words: "I'm glad that you and Daddy got divorced."

Marc and Mary decided to continue sharing a house together after Marc admitted to himself (and his wife) that he was gay, and they realized that there are other options for couples after a marriage ends. According to Mary, "what was empowering was making the decision that [their relationship] didn't have to be shattered, that it could be reinvented."

When Peter and LJ divorced, Peter stayed in the home (in a separate unit) and LJ later remarried Jon, who had his own thoughts on the reconfiguration of families: "If you divorce in an agreeable way, especially in an arrangement where it is peaceful and people are satisfied with their lives, you show kids on a deeper level that life can be good and you can make it good."

After twenty-five years, Anna and Tom finally admitted to themselves - and each other - that their marriage was not working. After having three children together (and two from Tom's previous marriage) they had woken up to the reality that staying married was no longer a healthy option. Their teenage children learned many things from their relationship including the reality that the prince charming / happy ending fairy tale does not exist for many people. As Anna states, "That's what I want my kids to know - enjoy it and love it and be totally there for the person. But be sure that you don't need that person, that you only want that person. There's such a difference between those two words."

As a single parent, still defining my role as a divorced mom, I have to agree with the way the author chooses to view her relationship with the father of her children and hope to use them as a model to further reinforce the role of our extended family and the importance of community in my son's life.

"We have been taught from the time we were tiny children that marriage is an endgame; once we get there we are supposed to stay there. When marriage vows include the phrase 'til death do us part,' any other outcome signals failure...When we put the nuclear family on a pedestal as if it's the best structure within which to live, we set ourselves up for disappointment and disaster.

"The families in this book looked to themselves for inspiration when it came to reconfiguring. By letting the shape of the new arrangements evolve from what felt right, they created families that best fit the needs and desires of their individual members.

"...when we take the first steps toward severing marital arrangements, we tend to seek help from the 'experts' we hope will guide us, but no one knows our children better than we do.

"When we have to reconfigure the family structure, we should take it step by step, trusting our own instincts and trying to remember that we're forever linked to the father or mother of our offspring. We are the only two people in the world with that relationship, and there's something to be cherished in that."

Other books that may also be of interest:

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
Why Do I Love These People?: Honest and Amazing Stories of Real Families
The Good Divorce
We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce

The Cleanest Diapers on the Planet

If I were to have another baby (or when I do), I most definitely plan on doing things differently. The main change that I would make would be the elimination of disposable diapers.

Blueberry Diapers, founded by mom Margarita McClure, turned me on to the idea of leaving behind the "convenience" of disposable diapers and switching to a safer, healthier and environmental-friendlier organic cotton cloth diapers.

There are many statistics that point to the growing problem facing our environment. Did you know that it takes (on average) between 250 - 500 years for disposable diapers to decompose?

How about the fact that the liners in disposable diapers still contain sodium polyacrylate, the same substance that was removed from tampons over twenty years ago!

I also had no idea that diapers are made from petroleum by-products. Add to that the cost to families during the diapering years ($2,000 - $2,500) and it just makes a whole lot of sense to start changing our habits within our homes.

Since babies are so much more vulnerable to toxic exposure, McClure set out on a mission to create the cleanest diaper on the planet. She did so with both Swaddlebees and Blueberry Diapers - free of bleach, chlorine or pesticides.

Swaddlebees are made of organic cotton and are designed with fun and whimsical patterns (from zebra print to blue latte). Over 32 designs are available on line as well as diaper covers and accessories.