Missing Out

My son's first tooth fell out last Friday at school. His dad picked him up for the weekend and even though they told me right away my heart sank from not being able to be there and hug him and see his face when he got to share the news. He did call me and I heard the excitement in his voice so it did sort of make up for the fact that I wasn't there to also see his face the next morning when he discovered the quarter under his pillow that the Tooth Fairy left in exchange for his tooth.

Imagine my surprise when this week, his second tooth fell out at school once again. And again on a day that he would be spending the night at his dad's.

They say that going through a divorce is much like dealing with death. There's a grieving process involved and even though time heals and you are able to start seeing the positive aspects of life from your new point of view, there are still times when those raw feelings come up and bring you down.

Parents who raise their children in two homes go through this process over and over again, from having to deal with the times when they're not there for their child (nightmares, milestones, first experiences), it's an emotion that is hard to talk about, difficult to express and at times feels selfish to even acknowledge. After all, is my son missing out on anything or is it just me who's feeling left out?

His father and I share moments like this with one another because we know how important it is for all of us. We have our son call the other parent to share his excitement when things occur that we'd want to be a part of ourselves were the roles reversed, but at what point does it stop hurting? At what point do I start being excited for my son and not feel sorry about not being there? Please tell me it gets easier...

Breaking the Law

This weekend, my grandparents will be celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, along with my grandma's 80th birthday. Her and my grandpa have seven children, most of whom now have grandchildren of their own. They have a total of thirteen grandkids and twelve great-grandkids so far.

My son and I will be the only ones out of the above referenced individuals who will not be there for the event. My heart is breaking right now just thinking about it but, since my ex-husband will not grant permission for me to leave the state with our son, we'll be here instead.

Up until yesterday, I was planning on getting on that plane with my son tonight, even though it would be considered a federal offense and no doubt my ex would have an Amber Alert issued for the 'kidnapping' of our child. Several of my friends had to talk me through how that would not be a good idea and how, more than likely, it would be used against me in the future where any custody arrangements or schedule is concerned.

My ex-husband doesn't have a large family. It's his mom, his sister, and him and I can't help but feel sorry for him when family events come up for me because he reacts the same way each time. I have to work hard to convince him to let us go and even harder to ignore him when he tells me how selfish I am and only thinking of myself when I ask his permission.

Our son has a family that loves him, that wants to spend time with him, and whom I want him to create memories with but it's very difficult being so far away and at times, I often wonder if things will ever change. Will the courts ever grant me permission to move back? Will I ever have the courage to request such a move again?

These are not easy decisions to make, but today I am wondering what's left for me here. I can write from anywhere and being closer to my friends and family would greatly benefit me - emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I blossom (as does my son) when we're there...

When mama is happy, everyone is happy.

Dad Gone Mad

Last week, I went to Danny Evans' book signing here in Escondido. It was pretty deceiving, since we walked into the large bookstore and explored the entire store without finding Dad Gone Mad or anything that remotely looked like there was an event going on somewhere in the vicinity. In fact, we almost left, my friend making fun of me for driving such a long way on the wrong night, or driving to the wrong location. Then, I asked an employee to help me figure it all out once I had the Dad Gone Mad appearance listing open on my iPhone...

We found Danny tucked away in a little corner of the bookstore, where he was answering questions and reading from his book, Rage Against the Meshugenah. Perhaps his use of the word testicles or dropping the "F" bomb is what kept them from putting him on display right in front, but I was ever-so-pleased to have found him and the small, yet intimate group of readers there to meet him.

Danny spoke quietly so I walked to the front row in order to hear him as he read the laugh-out-loud scenes from his book that covered his conversation with his mom about priaprism and about his experience with his psychiatrist who fondled his shirt upon first meeting him.

I started reading his book the very next day at the beach. I couldn't put it down (I blame him and his compelling story for my sunburn) and I found myself both laughing and crying along with Danny as he shared his very personal account of being laid off (been there), dealing with depression (been there too), experiencing a miscarriage (been there as well) and dealing with his feelings of inadequacy as a new parent (yep, been there once again).

Despite the fact that this book is a humorous look at serious topics, the most touching and poignant passages from Danny's writing were the pages where he discussed his unconditional love for his wife, Sharon, who stood by him through his darkest times. He describes the way they embrace and how, mostly because of their relationship, and her faith in him, that he is able to survive his depression and come out on the other side, more aware, more enlightened and better able to enjoy his role as husband, dad and son to his parents.

"I'm more than a foot taller than Sharon...When we're hugging over something happy, she stands on a chair so she can squeeze my neck and I can kiss hers. When I'm feeling romantic (or reasonable variations thereof), I walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her shoulders. When we're making up after an argument, Sharon sits on the couch, I get on my knees in front of her, and I dive in to bury my face in her neck."

"If my life could be measured with the same kind of line graph economists use to measure stock performance on Wall Street, there would be a huge spike at the moment I kissed Sharon's soft, sweet lips for the first time."

Danny writes from the heart. He writes with passion and full disclosure as he sorts through the emotions and experiences of truly finding himself after reaching the deep end. Readers will travel with him on this journey as he explores the depths of his despair and reaches new heights with his recovery and through the eyes of his children.

"The sight of two caring, special human beings - that I helped to create - displaying kindness and love to one another (without being asked) shattered the mold of what I thought I was, what I thought a Man was. Just as the case was with the onset of my depression a few years earlier, the feeling I had at that moment was unlike anything I'd encountered before. And just like depression, that vision rocked me to the core and forced me to take stock of what was happening around me. The one obvious difference between these two moments was that the former left me awash in numbness and confusion. The latter flooded me with a sense that perhaps my life was just beginning..."

National Depression Screening Day

Depression hits people in different ways. Although there are several symptoms that most of us are aware of, it's difficult to see the impact when we're the ones suffering from an emotional or psychological disorder.

I've had a long history of depression and fought it for many years, self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, which only made things worse, of course.

Never was my depression so apparent then when I was dealing with the new stresses and pressures of being a new mom, trying to balance a full-time job with a newborn and having my family (my ultimate support system) so far away.

I was always the type of person who was afraid to ask for help, never wanting to admit that I couldn't do something completely on my own. I think many women feel this way, especially in regards to motherhood. After all we're built to be moms, right?

Did you know that women are twice as likely to suffer from depression as men? And, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that one in six Latina teens has seriously considered suicide (I was one of them).

Visit Mental Health Screening for a quick psychological checkup and don't be afraid to speak to your doctor if you feel you may be suffering from any of the following signs of depression:

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness: A bleak outlook, thinking that nothing will ever get better and there's nothing you can do to improve your situation.
• Loss of interest in daily activities: No interest in or ability to enjoy former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex.
• Appetite or weight changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain - a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes: Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
• Psychomotor agitation or retardation: Either feeling "keyed up" and restless or sluggish and physically slowed down.
• Loss of energy: Feeling fatigued and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting or taking longer.
• Self-loathing: Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes.
• Concentration problems: Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
  

Having read these symptoms just now, I was reminded of the occasions when my husband (at the time) berated me for being lazy and not helping him around the house (because working full-time, breast-feeding and taking care of our infant son wasn't enough).

I, of course, was suffering from postpartum depression (without either of us realizing it) but it was his statements and anger towards me that provided the fuel for those feelings of inadequacy to take over. Quickly, the state of self-loathing became the guiding force behind my motivation, or lack thereof.

It was the beginning of a downward cycle that led to concentration problems, and a combination of insomnia and hypersomnia (which I attributed to "catching up on my sleep").

As a society, we're always quick to blame outside circumstances for our emotional state when clearly, there's evidence that our internal chemistry truly has a greater effect on our psychological well-being more than anything. I should know this. I studied psychology in school and got the highest grade in my college career in my course on psychopharmacology.

And yet, I continued to ignore the symptoms and did not seek the help I truly needed. It finally took my husband leaving me to realize that I needed to do something, quickly, or my son might have eventually been taken away from me. There's nothing like the threat of losing your child to put things into perspective.

I am not shy about my past and I don't blame others for my actions, or my current situation. I hold myself responsible for letting the symptoms of depression control me and from keeping me from being the best mom and wife I could be.

Looking back, I have to say that my husband made the best decision he could, under the circumstances. I was forced to stand on my own two feet in every way, and I am a much stronger, emotionally balanced and content individual for getting through it. But I'm far from past it. It's following close behind, like a shadow that can never escape from the sun.

My heart goes out to anyone who has ever suffered from depression or has witnessed someone they love going through this emotional roller coaster that takes over every aspect of their life.

I cannot stress enough the importance for women - especially after giving birth - to reach out for emotional support, write about your thoughts and feelings and to not be afraid to ask for help.

It is equally important for all of you husbands and fathers to be aware of the emotional needs of your wife or the mother of your child and allow her the freedom and opportunity to share her thoughts and complaints (without you feeling the need to step in and fix things), and to allow her the opportunity to get out of the house and encourage her to do so, alone, and often.