Online Dating Profile Pics: What NOT to Wear

Alright, I realize that this is going to come off as me being petty and will most likely offend some of you, especially those who have a profile online, but I have to share.

This isn't about me making fun of anyone in particular (alright, it is), but after ignoring my eHarmony profile for over a week, I finally went over there to check out my latest matches and guess what?

There were over 210 matches waiting for me...and not one single profile caught my attention, except for the fact that I suddenly started talking to the people (by name) in the photos and actually taking notes (yes, taking notes).

Here is what I have learned from the profile pictures that came up on my screen and here's what I would suggest to everyone (male or female) who plans on putting their pictures online (or who has done so already).

Don't upload a mirror shot: You know what they look like. You can actually SEE the camera and sometimes a flash...Get someone to take your photo. Anyone. A neighbor, your mom, the guy at the pharmacy who thinks he's taking your passport photo. Better yet, go in one of those photo booths that gives you four chances to get it right.


Don't include a picture from last Halloween: A potential date is not interested in how you look in disguise. She or he wants to see what YOU look like. On a normal day.

Don't include pictures from the bar: You know the one. You have a beer in your hand and you look laid-back and appear to be someone who knows how to have a good time. What this says to people is, "I like taking photos when I'm under the influence. Wait 'til you see what I look like when I'm WASTED!" Not a good message to be sending...

Please, please, please don't include your children (or anyone else's) in your main profile pic: I have a child and I love kids, but the first impression you give when you include children in your main photo is "I'm looking for a new Mom (or Dad) for these adorable kids." Usually, the kids are the first thing people see, not you.


Please put a shirt on: I really can't comprehend why people include photos where they're not wearing a shirt. Usually, when that happens, it's not flattering. No one wants to see you with your shirt off unless you're at the beach, and you're a Chippendale dancer.

Please remove your hat - and your sunglasses: Again, please refer to #2. A potential partner wants to see what you look like - eyes, hair - or whether you have any underneath the cap.


Don't upload a work photo: I can't even tell you how many doctors I've seen in their scrubs, firefighters I've seen with fires blazing in the background and military men in their uniforms. This all leads back to wanting to see what a potential date looks like outside the office (or place of employment).


Please include a photo where you actually look happy to be alive: I've seen way too many photos of people who can't seem to crack a smile. Pretend you like yourself. Then maybe other people will.

Don't include photos that look like they're 'still shots' from your sex tapes: You know the one - the shirtless, awkward angle and expression on the person's face = CREEPY.

Please don't include major close ups: They're never attractive and typically look like the WANTED posters from the nightly news.


If you're in the military, don't upload photos of you in your camo: You look like every other guy in camo...potential partners want to see what YOU look like, not what you look like when you're ready to head into battle...Unless you approach dating defensively, then I suppose it's OK.

Please do not post photos of yourself EATING (Yes, I did come across this one): Photos of you with your mouth full. Not going to earn any points with the women I know (let's face it, women would NEVER post a photo of themselves eating).

College students / military men - Please don't include your photos that showcase the nudey pictures on the wall behind you: The women who view these photos will not see you, but the pics behind you. And that's probably not going to get you a date. But, then again, you never know.

Please don't include photos of you and your friends: Petty, I realize, but if I see a photo with a bunch of guys, I'm checking out the hottest one of the group, and chances are, it's not the one who's looking for a date.

Don't include photos where you're in full scuba gear: So you like to go diving. Great. Why do I want to see a photo of you underwater, with a full wet suit on and a mask covering your ENTIRE face? I want to see what you look like. This photo only tells me what you like to DO.

Last, but certainly not least, please don't submit your profile to an online dating site WITHOUT a picture. I realize that the above "suggestions" might cause someone to want to pursue the online dating thing with just their personality to get them by. It WON'T happen. We all want to SEE what we're getting into and - as long as the above suggestions are applied - you may have some dating success (of course there are no guarantees).

Good luck. And if you see my profile on line, don't worry. The photos of me wearing a hat and glasses, alongside my son and in our Halloween costumes will be removed soon. I pinkie swear.

Bonus Families

My son keeps asking me when I'm going to have another baby. He wants a sibling and he's not alone. I have baby cravings all the time, especially after spending time with my sister's new baby - or looking at the pictures of him that are on my fridge or kitchen table. Basically, several times a day!

Bonus Families is a website and a wonderful term for the step-families of my generation. I'd like to inherit a bonus family someday, but I'm not in any hurry. I'm still enjoying the time I have with my son and getting to know myself as a single mom and individual who is trying to get some goals reached before inviting another adult (and child) into our world.

I spent some time getting to know someone recently whom I met through eHarmony. We decided, after learning more about each other, that we are not looking for the same things right now. He is looking for a serious, long-term relationship, whereas, I am searching for someone who I can finally be myself with. I think I've found him and even though there is quite some distance between us, and baggage from our past relationships, I have faith that with time, things will become less stressful and we can begin to share more of each other more often.

When my husband and I first separated and he moved out, there was a long span of time before our divorce was finalized. Nearly two entire years went by before the court declared us no longer married to one another. Clearly, our marriage was over long before my ex-husband ever filed for divorce.

Saying that I'm involved with a married man would not be accurate. Telling people that the man I'm dating is currently separated would be more precise. His marriage has ended and despite the fact that they tried to make things work for their children's benefit, they have finally made peace with the fact that there is nothing left to hold onto.

In my adult life, I have met many people from different backgrounds with diverse pasts that they've overcome. Along the way, I have made both good and bad decisions, as we all have, but I have faith that the path before me will lead to happiness and true love.

Where will your path lead? You can think positively and hope for a happy ending, or you can make the choice to let the negative thoughts take over. I choose to believe that good things come to those who wait and I have been patient and cautious and continue to take one day at a time.

Second First Date

After a successful and fun meet 'n greet, my new male friend picked me up last night for our first official date. Let me step back a few days though to share with you how the week went.

Our meet 'n greet was last Sunday and I had a really good time. I thought he had a good time as well. In fact, he had mentioned a "next time," so I assumed that we'd communicate afterward about seeing each other again. Three days went by without hearing from him and I was a bit concerned. I was confused. I was disappointed. It's not easy to get back into the dating scene, especially when it involves searching through numerous online profiles, trying to determine how to reach out to those who peak my curiosity.

On Wednesday afternoon, he finally called but, because I was at work, I wasn't able to take the call. He did leave a message and I found myself laughing out loud when I listened to it. He joked about how he had read a Guy's Rule Book on Dating and noted that it had officially been 72 hours since our first meeting so it was now the opportune time to follow up. Then he simply asked if he could take me to dinner on Saturday and left it at that.

I had to arrange for a babysitter in order to confirm that I could go out but that only took a few minutes of text messaging to schedule. One of my son's former teachers who lives in our neighborhood agreed to come by to hang out with him so I could go on this date. She's married with no children of her own (yet) and is someone my son feels completely comfortable with. What would I do without teachers like her?

Saturday arrives and it's amazingly hot out. I'm sweating already because I'm a little nervous and I'm not quite sure what to wear. I change my outfit a record number of times before finally deciding on a black top and jean skirt. Casual for a first date, I realize, but since I was overdressed for our meet 'n greet, I figured I could get away with it.

I had no idea where he would be taking me but this is what has always intrigued me about dates. Normally, I would be a bit concerned about getting inside someone's car without knowing where our final destination would be, but I eagerly climbed inside when he finally came to pick me up.

He was a few minutes late and didn't mention it when he pulled into the parking lot but since I'm notoriously late for just about everything, I really can't hold that against him.

Once again, he impressed me. We drove up the coast and went to a restaurant overlooking the ocean. It was a beautiful night so we sat outside, enjoyed a few glasses of wine with our meal and laughed, a lot.

We played the back and forth questions game and got to know each other a bit more. Not once was there an awkward moment in the conversation - that is until I asked about why he signed up with eharmony. There was a moment of silence before he revealed that he was looking for a partner; someone he could go home to at the end of the day and share his life with.

He asked the same question of me, and since it was only fair, I admitted that I wasn't quite sure what my goal was or is with eharmony. So far, I met a nice man who truly knows how to treat a woman and plans great date nights and I'm enjoying it. I'm not sure where this will lead or if I will meet more men to spend time with but I'm having fun, I'm making up for lost time and feeling good about myself and the man I'm getting to know. I don't really know if there's reason to think beyond that as far as the future is concerned. I've always been the type of person who lives in the moment, enjoys just being where I am and who I am with.

And I did enjoy where I was last night and who I was with. We went to a concert afterwards (I love live music) and he treated me the entire night, something I was not used to at all. We danced, laughed, touched each other innocently, but often, and when I cut the night short (I was expected home by midnight), I truly did regret having to end the date.

When he dropped me off at home, he got out of the car to walk me to the door. I embraced and thanked him for the fabulous night. I kissed him softly on the lips before saying goodnight and moments later, I fell asleep, smiling.

I thought about him as soon as I woke up, still smiling.

That was the first date that I've been on in a really, long time. In fact, he even asked me during dinner about the last date I had. Sadly, I couldn't even recall when that might have been, or with who. But what I do know is that I will remember last night's date for a long time to come and I look forward to our next.

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Meet 'N Greet

Today was the first face-to-face meeting with a man I met through eHarmony. I was a bit leery about it since he told me that he wanted to meet somewhere to watch football. Not typically my idea of a first date, I took my chances and decided to meet him at the pub he suggested.

The morning started out pretty slowly. I woke up feeling very groggy, without any caffeine in my house and suddenly not that excited to put myself together to meet someone that I didn't know at a pub to watch a football game.

My dear friend, hairdresser, matchmaker and the person I seek for wisdom and advice was able to help me prepare for this first meet 'n greet. She did my hair, spoke about her relationship and where she is in her life and gave me some helpful advice for first date conversations. I also mentioned, only half-seriously, that if this date went well, she'd have to do my hair every time I was to see this guy!

Even though I knew the dress code was going to be ultra-casual, I decided to get dressed up anyway. I wore a white skirt and a black top with comfortable and casual black wedges that had a strap around the ankles. I have to admit, with my hair done by a professional and a sexy outfit, I felt pretty damn good walking into that testosterone-filled bar on my own.

Seconds after I approached the bar, I see him. Yes, I can tell from the back of his head that it's him, except he's talking to an attractive waitress and doesn't appear to be looking for anyone. I watch from a few feet away, try to make eye contact with the blondie who's captured his attention, and then find myself ordering a beer. Their conversation continues so I head to the bathroom, take my time taking care of business and return to the bar to find - they're still talking.

Already, I'm annoyed. I wanted to leave but then, I sat down, took a few sips of my beer and waited for him to notice me. He spotted me as soon as he turned back towards the bar. I made a passive-aggressive statement about how I had thought that was him. He didn't dare ask me how long I had been sitting there.

We walked to a table in the back near the window so he could see the game. Yep, he picked the table and his seat so that he could see the large-screen TV behind me. What was I thinking?

Actually, all of this is quite funny and at that time I'm thinking to myself, I better not be expected to pay for my half of this so-called date. Just when that thought enters my mind, he tells me that this is not a date. It's simply a meet 'n greet. He actually uses those words so I'm suddenly feeling less pressure to have this whatever-you-wanna-call-it fulfill any of my expectations. Not that I had any to begin with. I was actually telling my friends that I was a bit concerned that this guy might be a psycho or a freak of some sort which is typically the case (in my mind) with men who add their profile to an online dating site. I realize I'm being a hypocrite here, but bear with me.

After ordering our meal and chatting for a few minutes, it dawns on me that not once has he looked up at the television. I look back at the TV only to realize that his team is not even playing. They have the channel to another game and so he is forced to actually pay attention to me. This is when things get interesting.

We take turns asking each other questions as if this were an interview of some sort and before I know it, we're talking about strip clubs, rumors of him being gay and both of us having parents that have been married for around 35 years.

We talk and laugh for quite a while and I realize that while there's no sparks or real butterflies or any of that gushy stuff that I used to feel when I was young (and naive), I do notice how comfortable I am, how confident we both appear to be and how nothing about what he says seems to frighten me. I do think I may have scared him a bit when I mentioned that I drive a mini-van, but these are the kind of things one needs to share before getting too involved.

There's no awkward moments at all in the conversation and when he suggests that we go down to the art festival taking place in Old Town, I readily agree. He politely opens the car door for me (which is a company car, by the way). We drive down the road and suddenly, he asks the question that I'm least prepared for.

Yes, the conversation turns to the online dating scene and how I ended up there. Luckily, this is a first for both of us and I'm slightly encouraged by the fact that he was a bit concerned that I'd be a psycho or a freak of some sort.

The art festival is amazing. I buy a small, beautiful box which I intend to use for jewelry. We look at the unique art and end up inside a candle shop. We're both equally eager to dip our own candles. His, of course, turned out much better than mine, but he is an artist after all.

As we're walking down the street, a woman stops me to ask where I get my hair done. She's admiring my new style (thank you, Cynthia) and I give her my hairdresser's phone number since she's seriously wanting to know where I had it done. My date, I mean, my new male friend, teases me, calling me a celebrity. I'm blushing but feeling pretty damn good.

Overall, the date - I mean meet 'n greet - turned out well. We share many of the same beliefs and values and had plenty to talk about. He did mention a 'next time' so we'll just have to wait and see what adventures he has planned then.

Dating Experiment

It wasn't until I read Cindy Lu's The Four Man Plan that I realized that dating is a science. She clearly demonstrates, with her own examples and examples of others' personal experiences, how the idea of dating changes drastically when you look at it as an experiment as opposed to a chore.

Many people, particularly in my situation (divorced, parent & thirty-something) have negative views of dating at this stage in our lives. Recently, thanks to Cindy and her brutal assessment of my dating past and how I need to change in order to have relationship success, I have signed myself up over at eHarmony. That's right. I am now involved in an on line dating site, which is much more involved than I had ever thought.

I heard of many people meeting through this particular site and marrying. I was always skeptical of dating sites and hesitated when I discovered the cost involved in putting my profile on line for all the eHarmony men to see.

Over the last few weeks, I've discovered more about myself and my wants and needs than ever before. The personality profile and the questions you are asked to answer told me a lot about how others perceive me and the positive and negative impressions that I may leave with others.

Through a series of question and answers sent back and forth in a program called Guided Communication, you are able to really delve deeper into a person's values, beliefs, lifestyle and personality.

While it's important to be attracted to someone's profile pictures, the next step and those beyond, really allow you to get to know someone pretty intimately before ever deciding if you want to pursue a relationship or even a first date.

I'm not trying to sell the site to anyone, in fact, I'd be pretty embarrassed if any one of my readers just so happened to come across my profile on the site, but I do plan on updating my progress here as I get to know some pretty amazing people, whether or not we end up dating in "real life."

Wish me luck!