Interview with Cindy Lu, author of The Four Man Plan

I read dozens of books a month. I read for work and for pleasure. I read to entertain myself, to escape and to educate myself or to distract me from reality. I read The Four Man Plan at a time in my life when I felt comfortable. I had finalized my divorce, I had been getting to know a man who was quite special to me and I read the book from an outside perspective. I had no idea at the time where I would be in twelve months or further down the road.

Here I sit, after having interviewed Cindy Lu and received her brutally honest insight into the history of my relationships and where I will be after following The Four Man Plan. This book will be around for a long time to come. I say this because I feel that women of all ages will find it useful and most likely, need to pick up the book time and again after not-so-successful results due to the experimental nature of dating.

I'm bringing up this book again because I feel that single parents are missing out on the opportunity to find love because we are so focused on our children and managing our schedules and energy that we tend to believe that our relationship with our child or children is enough.

Cindy helped me realize that this is exactly the case for me. After our on line chat, I've realized that many of the points in the book need to be tattooed to my forehead, like:

Believing that your future love is "out there somewhere and will find me someday!" is about as practical as believing that about your lunch or your next paycheck.

If women decide as a gender that we deserve to be treated with honor and respect, then men will react accordingly and rise up as a gender to meet our requirements.

No one man is responsible for your happiness. That is a solo project. The happier you are with yourself, the better the partner you will be adding to your life.

Cindy seems to have grown up with the same ideas about love and boys (and men) as I did. Just like me, Cindy daydreamed about Ponch and Chaci and wanted to find someone just like her dad (if only to change him, make him fall in love with her, and stay with her forever).

Using several theories to create The Four Man Plan, Cindy compares the plan to a round of golf: "Each player, or in the case of The 4MP, each Plan Man, is on the course simultaneously, doing his individual best. Every once in a while, a glance at the leader board or a roar from a distant crowd lets them know they better step up their game. This is a gentleman's game of finesse and self-regulation, not a contact sport."

Be sure to head to the FourManPlan and visit the FOURum often to chat with Cindy and other 4MPlanners. If you're interested in what Cindy had to say during our on line discussion, keep reading:

cindylu	Hi!!
Hip_M0M	Let's get this interview started!
cindylu	Fire away!
Hip_M0M	since I first mentioned your book on my blog, I've received several email messages, from men (who are married) and single parents who want to incorporate this Plan into their lives. Is that even possible, in your experience?
cindylu	Single parents definitely, married men, not so much, that's exactly the kind of behavior we're trying to AVOID.
cindylu	But, I do like the idea of reframing our minds around the fact that our partners cannot be EVERYTHING to us.
Hip_M0M	Alright. Let's focus on catering the Plan to single parents (women in particular).
cindylu	Yes, let's focus on our single moms!
Hip_M0M	You’ve mentioned before that it's important for single moms to set aside a quarter of their time for their children. Is it just as important to set aside another quarter for herself?
cindylu	Oh, I think more than a quarter! I think the Mantris Graph is its own kind of "vision board."
cindylu	So for my single moms, they block off a WHOLE space, for their kids and themselves.
cindylu	I even have busy career women block off spaces, too. Whatever you need.
Hip_M0M	What would you suggest as far as getting started and including my intentions in the graph?
cindylu	Ok, let's talk about you!
cindylu	My first question is, what is it that you want? To get married again? To stay single? To have a monogamous relationship?
Hip_M0M	I would love to have a man in my life, eventually, who would be a life partner and who would want to bring a child into the world. I have a son and would like to have at least one more. I have plenty of time. I'm in no hurry.
cindylu	So, Hip_M0M. Here's what I've got for you.
cindylu	If you were to fill in a Mantris Graph, which I suggest you do, as I suggest all my 4MPlanners do...
cindylu	Put your ex-hubby in the box with your son. He's now a part of your "family" but no longer a relationship potential, yes?
Hip_M0M	Definitely no romantic feelings there or potential for reconciliation.
cindylu	So you have a 2 1/4, your booty call guy.
cindylu	You have a Quarter Guy in your long distance Man.
cindylu	So what to do with your free Half Man?
Hip_M0M	Good question. I'd like someone who I can run with, catch a movie with, and enjoy a good conversation or dinner.
Hip_M0M	A "date" guy!
cindylu	You haven't experienced a true teammate yet, I'm guessing.
Hip_M0M	Nope.
cindylu	So, you are working on a puzzle without the box on the cover.
cindylu	You have to rewire yourself, date by date, experience by experience.
cindylu	Women, people, run from themselves when they cannot accept love.
cindylu	Worrying about hurting another's feelings is always a cover for something else.
cindylu	I would guess that for you it's that you have a hard time speaking your truth and getting reactions from it.
cindylu	The Four Man Plan will help you practice having the "hard conversations."
cindylu	Which they say, the person that is most successful is the one most comfortable having difficult conversations....
cindylu	That takes practice!
cindylu	It's just that now you must see each man as a teacher. It's great to work with people you already know, already have a pattern with and try to shift it.
cindylu	It gives you the affirmations that you need as you try to move through the world in a completely different way but with the same people.
cindylu	It's about UNSUCKING at love!
cindylu	If you do the Plan, stuff comes up week by week, and you see the evidence right in front of your face, which takes it out of the theorizing mind and into the real world.
cindylu	These are the kinds of beliefs that will slowly or suddenly shift!
cindylu	You have to decide what you want to change and then lay the bricks.
cindylu	It's work, but that's the fun we have on the 4MP.
cindylu	You want a match!
cindylu	You want a hero!
cindylu	You deserve it!
Hip_M0M	So, where do I find this guy? I know he’s out there.
cindylu	He's out there, for sure.
cindylu	You're just turning over the wrong rocks.
cindylu	Your hoo-ha has bad taste!
cindylu	You wouldn't let your kid eat McDonalds every day, even though he likes it!
cindylu	We often say in the Forum to be a better parent to yourself.
cindylu	I know there are things you let yourself do that you know are bad for you that you would tell your son, absolutely NOT!
Hip_M0M	Yes, I need to be more disciplined with my relationship, that’s for sure.
cindylu	That's why we use the structure. It helps!
Hip_M0M	So, many of my readers are not familiar with your book or will want to know how to get started.
cindylu	The easiest way of course, is for them to get the book.
Hip_M0M	And for women who are convinced that they have no time to date one man, let alone four, what do you tell them?
cindylu	Most women spend time OBSESSING about one man.
cindylu	Dating four and having your wits about you and a tried and true system actually saves you time.
cindylu	It's the chaos that takes up time.
cindylu	But of course, every woman does the Plan at her own pace.
cindylu	"Four" men is really just a metaphor for NOT one man, so that women can discover the patterns are within THEM, not the man they are focused on changing.
cindylu	The 4MPlan is a way for women to make themselves the "project." And then at some point along the way, when they discover that they love themselves first, the Right Man, a Hero Man, steps into the picture.
Hip_M0M	So how did you come up with this Plan? What was your dating experience like before the Plan?
cindylu	Well, all that's in the book. But I truly SUCKED at love, and it was a ride that I wanted to get off of.
cindylu	I realized that I needed to "parent" myself somehow, discipline my hoo-ha.
cindylu	So I created a system based on the best advice I'd ever gotten but couldn't follow.
cindylu	I needed it to be a system so that when my resistance came up, I still knew what I needed to do.
Hip_M0M	so what was the best advice you received that you never followed?
cindylu	The biggest one was what became the Wait For Sex Index.
Hip_M0M	That’s where you say, “The more time you spend with a man without having sex, the more you will intrigue him, the greater potential he will see in you, and the more he will do to get himself into the end zone.”
cindylu	Basically, a woman once shook me by the shoulders after I had been treated badly AGAIN and said, "Don't you know? A man will only be as nice to you as he needed to be to sleep with you the first time?"
cindylu	It took me 5 years more of "practice" and gathering data before I finally GOT it.
cindylu	When it's all laid out in front of you, and you do it like an experiment, it becomes undeniable.
cindylu	That's why the plan works. First the lesson, then the proof.
Hip_M0M	Last question: with your husband - how long did you know him before having sex with him?
cindylu	I knew him for 5 months. But we weren't dating for 4 of those...
cindylu	I lucked into it!
Hip_M0M	Amazing. Congratulations!
cindylu	Thanks so much for your time and openness.
Hip_M0M	Thank YOU!
cindylu	You seem like the perfect 4MPlanner: honest, loving and willing.
cindylu	Join us in the Forum! You can pick a secret super hero name to keep it anonymous if you want!
cindylu	it will be our little secret!
cindylu	love to you and your boy.
cindylu	xxoxo
Hip_M0M	Alright, Cindy. Thanks so much for your time, advice & inspiration.

Yes, Cindy did tell me that my hoo-ha has bad taste. She also told me that I need to be a better parent to myself. She's got great advice for every woman that will help change their perspectives on dating and the way they see themselves. We all deserve true love and happiness so I encourage every woman who thinks she sucks at love to check out The Four Man Plan and join this new Dating Revolution.

Five Percent

In every relationship, we should keep in mind that each of us needs to give 110%, that way there is no question of someone not doing their part or pitching in. It's never going to be an equal balance of give and take so even better advice is to not keep track at all. Simply give and you will receive (just as many others from history have said).

If you are looking for ways to give more, keep in mind the 5% rule, suggested by Neil Rosenthal, and based on his experience as a marriage and family therapist:

"...Make sure you hold yourself accountable for doing what you say — consistently — over time. Saying or thinking it isn’t enough. You must do it and then continue doing it. That’s what a happy, healthy, committed love relationship requires of all of us. And it sure beats being in a marriage counselor’s office being guided by someone else to do it."

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, specializing in strengthening intimate relationships.

For Those Who Give a Tweet

WARNING: If you're one of the men involved in my Four Man Plan, you may not want to continue reading. And, if you do, you may not want to continue to participate. Either way, I thank you for being here for me.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that there are many things left unsaid that would take me many more than 140 characters to explain. I'll answer the recent questions here.

If you don't give a tweet, skip on back to read my review of The Four Man Plan before returning to this post.

by Cindy Lu

Back to The Four Man Plan: A Romantic Science and how I've implemented the plan into my life. You see, back in February, I read the book for the first time and thought to myself, I already do these things, and my life continued with no major changes on my part, or so I thought.

Little did I know that I was implementing elements from the book by simply changing the way I viewed each relationship. The Four Man Plan is amazing. Truly.

Currently, I do have men in my life that fill my needs, each catering to a different need that I have. There's one that supports me and helps me financially, due to the fact that I am the mother of his child. Then there's another man who I am having an emotional affair with. We communicate several times a day (he's several states away). He is the one man in my life whom I truly love (in every sense of the word). I have someone in my life who fulfills my physical needs (you know exactly what this means!) and yet another who is my drinking buddy. We watch bad Reality TV together and bitch about the state of our nation. We also get into political discussions, but then again, I have those discussions with just about anyone.

UPDATE: The drinking buddy mentioned above has been eliminated. Read comments below to learn about his replacement.

The point of The Four Man Plan is to give yourself more options in life. And by options, I mean men. Dating one person at one time (in my opinion) does nothing other than provide you with a false sense of security. You become attached to one another and even if that person is only filling half your needs, you feel content. Meanwhile, your other needs are being neglected until one day you finally realize what's been missing and you both end up with heartache and ugly feelings which cause you to drift apart.

Before you make any judgments, I have to say that I was a bit unclear at first about the idea of "dating" four men at one time. The thing with my situation is that I'm not really dating anyone right now. I have four very unique relationships with four very unique individuals who happen to be men. The fact that they know about one another (for the most part) makes it that much more enjoyable. I don't have to worry about my reputation because there is nothing going on that I can't tell my mom about (she's my number one reader here after all - Hi Mom!).

If you're married or in a committed relationship, then this might not work for you. Although you never know. If your partner trusts you and you trust him/her, why not pick up this book and read it together? I'm not talking about an open marriage, of course, where each person is "allowed" to have sex with other people. I'm talking about having friends and companions of the opposite sex while having nothing to do with sex at all.

Having a small, yet tight-knit circle of friends is great. What's more amazing is when you can free yourself by allowing others in and have separate groups of friends from different walks of life that you can relate to.

There are many of you reading this that are saying to yourself, "Duh, I have friends like this already." I applaud those of you who may have a strong and trusting relationship that allows for these types of friendships to exist. Sadly, many do not.

Getting to the point, finally, I want to reiterate the fact that we all have different - and many - needs. There are some people in our lives that are not capable of ever fulfilling them, or are not willing to try. So, again, this is where the idea comes from that having different people in your life who play different roles can be inspiring, exciting and satisfying.

The lucky ones - and there are many - will find that one person who can fulfill every desire. Of course, the purpose of The Four Man Plan, is to narrow down the prospects so you can find that one person who is willing and able to satisfy your every desire.

I encourage everyone who is currently single to implement this plan.

Good luck and have fun!

Show and Tell

It has become a mission of mine to find - and share - the humorous, insightful and delightful blog posts that are posted on the web relating to parenting, relationships, sex and psychology. Here's several that I discovered from the last few days:

• Subtle Differences Between Siblings
• Condom Popsicles
• Why Gender Doesn't Matter
• Friends with Benefits
• Tweens and Teens Experiencing Abuse in Dating Relationships?