Where Do We Go From Here?

Now what? What's next? Where do we go from here? These are the questions I asked myself as I sat crying in the airport after saying goodbye to the man I spent the last five days with. The man I gave my heart to years ago. The conversations and moments that we shared were long overdue but perfect in every way. Except for the sunburn.

I thought about sharing every detail here and relive the exact moment when we made that next step, the words that we spoke, the way he tasted and felt, but I also want to keep the memory of these events in a special place - between the two of us. Because it was a very special occasion, consummating our relationship after being friends (with much sexual tension between us) for fifteen years. Not that I've been keeping track or anything...

He got the approval from my friends and my son but now he's gone. The five days went by so quickly and now it's a big reality check for the both of us and I'm back to the same questions that I do not know the answers to just yet. What's next? Where do we go from here?

Lady in Waiting

Dating while having a young son is a little challenging at times. He hears things (overhears things) and is exposed to conversations that give him a tiny bit of insight about how it all works.

I have a male friend coming in town tonight. My son asked me earlier if I have a crush on him. The question startled me, and I couldn't help but smile, and I know he assumed this meant 'yes.'

When I asked him to explain what it meant to have a crush, he said, "It's when you like someone."

"Then, yes, I suppose I do have a crush on him."

Seconds later he asked if there was going to be more boys or girls tonight. I assume he meant when my friend joins us, so I said, "There's going to be more boys than girls."

I can't even tell you how excited he was when he heard that. In a celebratory tone he stated, "I have a crush on him too, then." See, he's still in that phase of thinking that girls have cooties and he can only be friends with other boys.

I so want him to stay in this stage for a long time, considering how quickly young people grow up these days and get involved in sexual relationships much too early (in my opinion).

But then again, if he's going to learn about dating and what it means to respect, love and treat someone with affection, then I want to be the one to show him that. I want him to continue to ask me questions, because I know that he feels comfortable saying anything, (in front of anyone), no matter how much it embarrasses his mom.

Friends with Benefits

I've been enjoying the single life for several years now but I do miss being in a relationship and just last night, and this morning, I was reminded of the many things I miss about having a man in my life:

• Having someone to open jars for me
• Having someone to put my necklace on
  
• Someone to protect me from crazy drunk people when walking downtown on a Saturday night
• Someone to cuddle up on the couch with on movie night
• Someone to start the coffee for me and bring me a hot cup while I'm still in bed
• Having someone to negotiate high-priced items & services, such as major car repairs or electronics
• Having someone to hold the door open for me or place his hand on the small of my back while walking through a crowd
• Someone to drag me to action films so I can have a different perspective on what a good movie really is
• Having someone at home waiting for me when I get home after a long day
• Someone to fall asleep next to and wake up with each morning
• Having someone to cook for (who's not requesting mac & cheese for every meal)
• Having someone hand me a dry towel when there's not one there when I reach for one after my morning shower
• Finding hair in the sink to remind me how lucky I am that I don't have that daily task to worry about
• Someone who calls me before I get home to ask me to pick up something for him on the way
  
• Having someone pump my gas for me and take out the garbage
• Having someone buy me flowers and leave notes for me to find
• Having someone to shop for on Valentine's Day and to pick up little surprises for on any day
• Having a second family to spend holidays and weekends with
• Having someone who shares bites of his steak with me
• Having someone to discuss the daily news with
• Someone who appreciates the little things that make a couple complete
• Having someone to share inside jokes with
  
• Someone who can communicate with me without having to say a word
  

What do you miss about being in a relationship? What do you enjoy about the relationship you're in currently? Be sure to acknowledge your partner for being there for you and ask him what it is about you that puts a smile to his face.

Long-Distance Love

Illustrator Valeri Gorbachev is an amazing artist and she teams up with author Sandra Horning in The Giant Hug, a wonderful book about sharing love and spreading joy.

In this adorable picture book, little Owen wants to send his Grandma a hug even though she lives far away. He comes up with a great plan that requires the participation of many people in the community, sending a hug to his Grandma in a unique and inspiring way.

Readers will be able to recognize the power of love in this story. It makes a great gift for far away grandparents and a wonderful book to read with your child when a hug is needed.

Check out more great children's books for Valentine's Day (or any day).

The Best Medicine

I have to agree that laughter is the best medicine but sometimes it's hard to know when it is or is not appropriate to laugh because of something a child has done, or said. Too often I have found myself laughing out loud when my son has done or said something so cute or utterly ridiculous. I say too often because there are several instances when he gets upset and tells me that "it's not funny."

Despite these rare occasions, my son has quite the sense of humor. But he's not laughing tonight.

Tonight is the first night that I've been away from my son when he hasn't been with his father. He's been with either one of us every day since he was born. My mom is staying with him for the next few nights and I know exactly how she must have felt when he called me up tonight, crying and asking for me.

He goes to school tomorrow where he'll be asked to join in the usual weekday routine. I'll feel much better when he's surrounded by his friends and teachers, instead of at the house, thinking about my not being there.

Adjusting to changes can be difficult for young children and tensions arise when they're expected to understand the concept of time when all they want is their Mom or Dad to kiss them goodnight, or right Now!

I'll be falling asleep tonight in an over-sized bed, thinking about my son and how I wish I were lying next to him. He's not going to remember this trip years from now, or will he?

I still - to this day - remember, vividly, not wanting to stay with my Aunt and Uncle when my parents left my sister and I at their house while they were away. We must have been there for more than one night but all I remember is standing at the edge of the bed - refusing to climb in to go to sleep - and crying. I wanted my own bed, my own house, and my Mom to be there when I woke up.

I also remember inviting my cousin over for a sleepover when we were in elementary school. I believe it was about midnight when my parents finally got her in the car to take her home because she was so homesick.

I appreciate the fact that my parents helped me to become more independent, learn the importance of trust, and to have faith that they will always be there for me, even if they aren't always there.

I have a feeling that my son will be just as upset when Grandma leaves next week as he was tonight and I'm pretty sure that not that long afterwards he'll ask me when she's coming to stay once again.

Waking Up Together

I read an enlightening, eye-opening book recently, entitled Waking Up Together, written by Ellen and Charles Birx (Wisdom Publications). When I first read the description of the book from the publisher's website, I wasn't sure this was a book for me.

Here I am, newly divorced, freshly single, still learning from my past mistakes. But, the book intrigued me and once I started reading it, I couldn't stop and I learned quite a bit along the way. The book not only discusses the art of meditation and incorporating the quiet act of calm, quiet surrender, but it also discusses the art of relationship, as told from a husband and wife team who have been working and meditating together for nearly forty years.

Anyone who's been together that long has a lot to share with the rest of us and they spoke eloquently on finding a partner, letting go of a loved one, and co-parenting relationships.

These are just a few things I learned from the writing couple (and not necessarily just about relationships):

"A relationship is not something that you "have." It is not something that can be owned, possessed, or attained. Relationship is mutual opening to and presence with one another."

"A relationship is best cultivated in an atmosphere of gratitude and generosity. Gratitude is more than appreciation for the good things in your life; it is an appreciation for life itself, even with its ups and downs."

"No matter how much we may love our partner, we cannot take away our partner's pain. We cannot 'make' our partner happy, and we cannot 'enlighten' our partner. So even if we travel together we travel alone. Recognizing this aloneness is essential for togetherness."

"A loving relationship is an ongoing process of being present with and open to one another. This is not just a matter of spending more time together. Relationship has to do with the quality of time you spend together."

"If you want to live in relationship, you have to learn to take turns. Taking turns doesn't mean a rigid fifty-fifty. Taking turns is a flowing back and forth - a give and take without keeping score, not a mathematical equation. There are innumerable factors to consider, and it is a delicate balance, moment by moment."

"Your willingness to remain tender, open, and vulnerable is essential to an intimate relationship. Not only do you need to be willing to be wounded over and over again, but you also need to be willing to forgive over and over again. Forgiveness is an act of compassion that frees both you and your partner to love again."

"For a long-term relationship to survive, each partner needs to be willing to serve the other. Being a servant cultivates humility and puts the ego in its proper place."

"There is a saying, 'Love is blind.' However, if ever there is a time when you need to see clearly, it is when you are entering into a committed relationship."

"How you do your work is as important as the occupation you select."

"True and deep communication in an intimate relationship can take place only in the context of an attitude of openness, honesty, trust, and acceptance."

"Change is a vital force that keeps your relationship fresh, exciting, and alive."

"Sometimes it is not what happens in a relationship, but our interpretation of what happens, that causes us to suffer."

"All of us need to be free to change and grow, and the challenge in a relationship is to learn how to move along together."

"Be yourself. Being genuine will lead you in the direction of a relationship that is truthful, open, and whole. Be your best, but don't deny or hide your faults. In balance, both confidence and humility are attractive. As you develop yourself, your life become richer, you become more radiant, and people naturally gravitate toward you."

"Even when you are not physically present with one another, you can maintain a presence and connection through phone calls, letters, and email messages. Presence transcends space and time: even when you are apart, you can be present to your partner in your heart. Your heart is unbounded, and in love you are united."

"...first you need to be able to stand on your own two feet without excessive leaning or clinging that wears the other down. You need some degree of emotional and spiritual maturity in order to enter into a relationship of mutual giving and receiving."

"Integrity is the honesty to end one relationship before entering into another."

"Relationship is a creative process. As is any other creative process, you need to be open not just to your intellect but also to your intuition, spontaneity, ingenuity, and spirit. Creativity is playful, artistic, and expressive. Viewing your relationship as an opportunity to co-create infuses it with renewed energy, enthusiasm, and enjoyment."

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is in a committed relationship, who is searching for ways to strengthen their marriage, or who has recently ended a long-term relationship. I learned quite a bit from this couple and I have no doubts that many of the lessons I learned will carry over into future relationships as well as the fact that it has helped me to heal from my past.

Goodnight, My Angel

Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark and deep

Inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullabies go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be

(c) Billy Joel

He left today. I sat down after saying goodbye and watched him slowly disappear. I was smiling and crying at the same time. I can't help but smile when I think of him even though I was upset about the weekend coming to an end and about a certain situation that caused a bit of tension during his visit.

I was sitting there imagining that he would come running back to hold me again one last time. I was hoping that his plane would be canceled so he would have no choice but to stay one more night.

I stayed at the airport for a while, waiting for his plane to leave and waiting a few minutes afterwards, daydreaming about him changing his mind about getting on the plane at all.

My imagination works overtime lately. I find myself wondering what life would be like if I had the freedom to move or pick up and go whenever and wherever.

I am torn between my role as mom and just being me. The Mom in me focuses primarily on my son, wanting what's best for him and working hard to create a life for us.

The single woman in me focuses on me and wanting to create a life in which I can be satisfied and loved and making a life with someone who is equally focused on our mutual needs, wants and desires.

My life has taken me in a direction that I never expected. Here I am, thousands of miles away from the people I care deeply about and I find that I'm always missing someone. I know now how my son must feel pretty much all of the time. If he's with me, he misses Dad. If he's with Dad, he misses Mom.

I feel so guilty for putting him in this situation. At the same time, I know I didn't really have a choice. My instincts kicked in when I hit rock bottom and I realize now that things had to change in order to establish a healthy environment for my son.

After fully healing, I finally recognize the strength I had in order to crawl out from the darkness.

I'm happier and healthier (emotionally) than I've ever been and I now have so much to look forward to. Everyone needs that. It's what keeps us going, the future, and I'm excited about mine.

Long-Distance Relationships

I went to Vegas in March of this year to celebrate several life-changing events with some close friends. Although I've seen them separately on different occasions, the five of us girls had not all been together for about ten years.

Times had changed for us, drastically. Four of the five of us had become mothers in that time, three of us had gotten married, two of us were separated from our husbands and one of us was, and still is, childless and never been married (she's also the smartest out of all of us).

We all went in different directions over the last decade and are now spread across the map. One of us went off and joined the Navy and bounced from WV to NC, MT, GA and ended up in Costa Rica (of all places). Two of the five of us graduated from college. One went on to graduate school and is now employed in a profession that she loves.

And then, there's me. I had a miscarriage, dropped out of college, moved to San Diego, bought my first car (used), got married, landed an awesome job, had my amazing son, bought my first new vehicle, and suddenly found myself adjusting to life as a single, working mom as my husband filed for divorce and moved out, in that order.

I went to Vegas again in June with some girlfriends from San Diego. The one thing I never expected out of this quick weekend get-away was to meet someone who I would end up having a relationship with three months later who lives in a different state, a different time zone, on different schedules.

Technology has allowed for long-distance relationships to be possible since we are able to text, phone and email from just about anywhere. In this day and age when people are jumping into marriage and just as quickly trying to jump out, it only makes sense to distance yourself from those you care so deeply about.

As I mentioned already, my family and friends are scattered across the map. While I have connections here in San Diego, most of my loved ones are living in MN, WI, MT, TX, Costa Rica, NH, MD, CO, WV, FL, GA, Northern Ireland, and Northern California.

While I do love to travel, I don't enjoy missing the people I care about, but with work and the daily routine that makes the days whiz by, it's no wonder that we are able to enjoy the time we do have together, 100%. After all, it's quality, not quantity that matters when it comes to relationships and that's the secret most people don't discover until, perhaps, the second-time around.

I have, and will not ever, forget all of the people who have helped me get to where I am now - a place in my life where I finally feel comfortable and balanced, satisfied and proud of where my life is headed and sexier than I've ever felt before.

Oh, and just in case I forgot to mention it, the March trip to Vegas celebrated several thirtieth birthdays, the birth of our children, the loss of our unborn, marriages, divorces and most importantly, the love of friends and family (they're one in the same).

And if it's another ten years until we are all together again, I know that it'll be the laughter that we will remember as we share the secrets we have learned from another decade of growing stronger and wiser.