Sunday, September 30, 2007

Goodnight, My Angel

Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark and deep

Inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullabies go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be

(c) Billy Joel
He left today. I sat down after saying goodbye and watched him slowly disappear. I was smiling and crying at the same time. I can't help but smile when I think of him even though I was upset about the weekend coming to an end and about a certain situation that caused a bit of tension during his visit.

I was sitting there imagining that he would come running back to hold me again one last time. I was hoping that his plane would be canceled so he would have no choice but to stay one more night.

I stayed at the airport for a while, waiting for his plane to leave and waiting a few minutes afterwards, daydreaming about him changing his mind about getting on the plane at all.

My imagination works overtime lately. I find myself wondering what life would be like if I had the freedom to move or pick up and go whenever and wherever.

I am torn between my role as mom and just being me. The Mom in me focuses primarily on my son, wanting what's best for him and working hard to create a life for us.
The single woman in me focuses on me and wanting to create a life in which I can be satisfied and loved and making a life with someone who is equally focused on our mutual needs, wants and desires.


My life has taken me in a direction that I never expected. Here I am, thousands of miles away from the people I care deeply about and I find that I'm always missing someone. I know now how my son must feel pretty much all of the time. If he's with me, he misses Dad. If he's with Dad, he misses Mom.

I feel so guilty for putting him in this situation. At the same time, I know I didn't really have a choice. My instincts kicked in when I hit rock bottom and I realize now that things had to change in order to establish a healthy environment for my son.

After fully healing, I finally recognize the strength I had in order to crawl out from the darkness.

I'm happier and healthier (emotionally) than I've ever been and I now have so much to look forward to. Everyone needs that. It's what keeps us going, the future, and I'm excited about mine.

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