Advice from Grandma Sylvie

Being a parent is one role that never ends. My mom (aka Grandma Sylvie) has always been a great role model for me as she and I had an amazing relationship while I was growing up and an even stronger one now that I have a child of my own.

She's the same Grandma who told me she was going to start practicing her cartwheels when I found out I was pregnant. When my son was just two years old, she made my day (and lasting memories) by doing cartwheels in the park during our family vacation Hawaii while my son laughed and tried to imitate her.

Just today she sent me an email that provided some great advice and lovely thoughts on grandparenting- worthy of sharing and passing on to your loved ones (in my opinion):

Life:

The older you get the better you know yourself.

Love:

It is the greatest gift you can give someone, although you may not get love back in return.

Parenting:

Proved to me that there is a God - and God's mom helped me through it!

Favorite Grandparent Perks:

Grandchildren are the best part of life and worth waiting for.
I love their laughter and honesty.
They know how to make your day just by holding your hand,
giving you a hug or smiling at you with a twinkle in their eyes that makes you feel special.
I am always looking forward to the next visit with them.

You'll be hearing more from Grandma Sylvie in the near future. She's preparing for Grandbaby #3 which means she'll probably be doing cartwheels in the waiting room while my sister's delivering.

Did I Forget to Mention...?

The December issue of Glamour magazine includes the article, "15 Things No One Ever Told You About Being Married." It's good to be prepared...

1. Getting married is not about the wedding.
2. You'll give up some independence.
3. Husbands can't read minds anymore than boyfriends can.
4. You won't be single anymore.
5. You never get to use the "I can't make it, I'm busy" excuse again.
6. Your husband will never take care of you the way your mom did - and vice versa.
7. The "for worse" may come sooner than you expect.
8. You get to share your strengths.
9. The honeymoon phase isn't always sweet.
10. Be prepared to fight for his support.
11. In-laws will show you a side of your husband you would never see on your own.
12. When he does the dishes, you will get turned on.
13. The silliest things will make you fall in love with him all over again.
14. Married men are sexier than single men - when they're married to you!
15. He'll love being married too.

Getting married will either be magical for you or not. Your life will change, for better or worse. Remembering and honoring the fact that you're going to be with the same person for the rest of your life is one of the major ingredients to a successful marriage. And yes, having someone holding your hand along the way, literally and physically, doesn't hurt either.

Shopping Spreeeeeeeeeee

Wow, do I LOVE to shop. We drove to the desert on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving and headed straight to our hotel. We stayed at the Renaissance Esmerelda Resort & Spa in Indian Wells. After a long windy drive through the mountains, I was SO glad to get into our room and relax.

Saturday we sat by the pool before our MAJOR highlight of the weekend - shopping! Did I mention that my shopping partner - a male - was SO MUCH FUN to shop with? He helped carry my bags, waited outside a few dressing rooms for me and dragged me away from the $500 green Prada suit I was drooling over in SPACE. I can't even remember what stores I didn't go into since there were so many at the Desert Hills Premium Outlets.

The stores I do remember: Armani, BCBG, Coach, Gucci, Guess, Juicy Couture, Levi's, Oakley, Skechers, and we had to wait in line (just to get inside) at True Religion and Burberry.

Shopping sprees like that are dangerously exciting for me - orgasmic - and something that I will probably not experience for a long, long time or I will need to seriously sell my soul to the credit card companies (and charge them interest).

We also had a really good meal that night at The Falls in Palm Springs, although we kept having to change our reservations later and later because we just couldn't stop shopping!

Christmas is coming, I realize. I'm sitting at my computer thinking about all of the wonderful online sites I can hit up to fill the gift boxes for those on my list.

Oh, and to top off my wonderful weekend, my sweetie completely surprised me this morning with a beautiful 7-diamond necklace as my early Christmas gift.

My luck has changed!

Waking Up Together

I read an enlightening, eye-opening book recently, entitled Waking Up Together, written by Ellen and Charles Birx (Wisdom Publications). When I first read the description of the book from the publisher's website, I wasn't sure this was a book for me.

Here I am, newly divorced, freshly single, still learning from my past mistakes. But, the book intrigued me and once I started reading it, I couldn't stop and I learned quite a bit along the way. The book not only discusses the art of meditation and incorporating the quiet act of calm, quiet surrender, but it also discusses the art of relationship, as told from a husband and wife team who have been working and meditating together for nearly forty years.

Anyone who's been together that long has a lot to share with the rest of us and they spoke eloquently on finding a partner, letting go of a loved one, and co-parenting relationships.

These are just a few things I learned from the writing couple (and not necessarily just about relationships):

"A relationship is not something that you "have." It is not something that can be owned, possessed, or attained. Relationship is mutual opening to and presence with one another."

"A relationship is best cultivated in an atmosphere of gratitude and generosity. Gratitude is more than appreciation for the good things in your life; it is an appreciation for life itself, even with its ups and downs."

"No matter how much we may love our partner, we cannot take away our partner's pain. We cannot 'make' our partner happy, and we cannot 'enlighten' our partner. So even if we travel together we travel alone. Recognizing this aloneness is essential for togetherness."

"A loving relationship is an ongoing process of being present with and open to one another. This is not just a matter of spending more time together. Relationship has to do with the quality of time you spend together."

"If you want to live in relationship, you have to learn to take turns. Taking turns doesn't mean a rigid fifty-fifty. Taking turns is a flowing back and forth - a give and take without keeping score, not a mathematical equation. There are innumerable factors to consider, and it is a delicate balance, moment by moment."

"Your willingness to remain tender, open, and vulnerable is essential to an intimate relationship. Not only do you need to be willing to be wounded over and over again, but you also need to be willing to forgive over and over again. Forgiveness is an act of compassion that frees both you and your partner to love again."

"For a long-term relationship to survive, each partner needs to be willing to serve the other. Being a servant cultivates humility and puts the ego in its proper place."

"There is a saying, 'Love is blind.' However, if ever there is a time when you need to see clearly, it is when you are entering into a committed relationship."

"How you do your work is as important as the occupation you select."

"True and deep communication in an intimate relationship can take place only in the context of an attitude of openness, honesty, trust, and acceptance."

"Change is a vital force that keeps your relationship fresh, exciting, and alive."

"Sometimes it is not what happens in a relationship, but our interpretation of what happens, that causes us to suffer."

"All of us need to be free to change and grow, and the challenge in a relationship is to learn how to move along together."

"Be yourself. Being genuine will lead you in the direction of a relationship that is truthful, open, and whole. Be your best, but don't deny or hide your faults. In balance, both confidence and humility are attractive. As you develop yourself, your life become richer, you become more radiant, and people naturally gravitate toward you."

"Even when you are not physically present with one another, you can maintain a presence and connection through phone calls, letters, and email messages. Presence transcends space and time: even when you are apart, you can be present to your partner in your heart. Your heart is unbounded, and in love you are united."

"...first you need to be able to stand on your own two feet without excessive leaning or clinging that wears the other down. You need some degree of emotional and spiritual maturity in order to enter into a relationship of mutual giving and receiving."

"Integrity is the honesty to end one relationship before entering into another."

"Relationship is a creative process. As is any other creative process, you need to be open not just to your intellect but also to your intuition, spontaneity, ingenuity, and spirit. Creativity is playful, artistic, and expressive. Viewing your relationship as an opportunity to co-create infuses it with renewed energy, enthusiasm, and enjoyment."

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is in a committed relationship, who is searching for ways to strengthen their marriage, or who has recently ended a long-term relationship. I learned quite a bit from this couple and I have no doubts that many of the lessons I learned will carry over into future relationships as well as the fact that it has helped me to heal from my past.

Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult

This book really opened my eyes as a parent and how *easy* it is to miss important signals about our own children. My son is only three, but I'm glad I read this book now and have recommended it to parents and teachers since it deals with a high school shooting and how the shooter evolved.

Jodi Picoult jumps from year to year - past to present - to tell the story of Peter during different stages of his life, the victim who ends up retaliating and fighting back against the numerous bullies who pick on him, beat him up, make fun of him and literally make his life miserable on a daily basis.

As a mom, I wanted to embrace this young boy and protect him but then you see that his mom does just that and how the consequences of her behavior plays out. You see his childhood friend slowly forget and ignore him when he needs allies more than anything.

If you've ever made fun of someone or been made fun of you can certainly find something in this story that you can relate to. If you're a parent or educator working with children of any age, you can't help but be affected by this touching and heartbreaking story of a young boy who was too afraid to ask for help and a witness who didn't know how to speak up or speak out against the attackers (aka bullies) until it was much too late.

Jodi Picoult, 41, is the bestselling author of fourteen previous novels: Songs of the Humpback Whale: A Novel in Five Voices (1992), Harvesting the Heart: A Novel (1994), Picture Perfect (1995); Mercy (1996), The Pact: A Love Story (P.S.) (1998); Keeping Faith: A Novel (P.S.) (1999), Plain Truth (2000), Salem Falls (2001), Perfect Match: A Novel (2002), Second Glance: A Novel (2003), My Sister's Keeper: A Novel (2004), Vanishing Acts: A Novel (2005), and The Tenth Circle: A Novel (2006).

Goodnight, My Angel

Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark and deep

Inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullabies go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be

(c) Billy Joel

He left today. I sat down after saying goodbye and watched him slowly disappear. I was smiling and crying at the same time. I can't help but smile when I think of him even though I was upset about the weekend coming to an end and about a certain situation that caused a bit of tension during his visit.

I was sitting there imagining that he would come running back to hold me again one last time. I was hoping that his plane would be canceled so he would have no choice but to stay one more night.

I stayed at the airport for a while, waiting for his plane to leave and waiting a few minutes afterwards, daydreaming about him changing his mind about getting on the plane at all.

My imagination works overtime lately. I find myself wondering what life would be like if I had the freedom to move or pick up and go whenever and wherever.

I am torn between my role as mom and just being me. The Mom in me focuses primarily on my son, wanting what's best for him and working hard to create a life for us.

The single woman in me focuses on me and wanting to create a life in which I can be satisfied and loved and making a life with someone who is equally focused on our mutual needs, wants and desires.

My life has taken me in a direction that I never expected. Here I am, thousands of miles away from the people I care deeply about and I find that I'm always missing someone. I know now how my son must feel pretty much all of the time. If he's with me, he misses Dad. If he's with Dad, he misses Mom.

I feel so guilty for putting him in this situation. At the same time, I know I didn't really have a choice. My instincts kicked in when I hit rock bottom and I realize now that things had to change in order to establish a healthy environment for my son.

After fully healing, I finally recognize the strength I had in order to crawl out from the darkness.

I'm happier and healthier (emotionally) than I've ever been and I now have so much to look forward to. Everyone needs that. It's what keeps us going, the future, and I'm excited about mine.

G.E.M.s

My son was with his dad this past weekend, which means that I dropped him off at preschool Friday morning and saw him again yesterday when I picked him up in the same spot. For a while after his father and I separated, our son had a very difficult time transitioning after the weekends.

It seemed as though it took a whole 12 hours before he adjusted to calling me Mom instead of Dad and remembering what the rules in my house are and dropping the volume of his voice a few decibels.

Now that I have the lessons I've learned through the RCB course in the front of my mind, it seems as though things have been going much smoother between my son and I. Tantrums don't even exist anymore and when I ask my son to do something, he still sometimes says, "No," at first, but then I just stand in front of him or kneel by his side and wait for him to look me in the eye.

When he finally does he usually says, "OK, Mom" or, "I will put my toys away," instead of, "You do it," like he had been saying in the past. Often times he'll ask me to help him and he's definitely picked up on the fact that if someone makes a mess, whether on purpose or not, that someone must clean it up.

Just the other day his friend came over to play and the two of them dumped out a big bucket of Legos before running into the other room to find other ways to make a mess.

I let the Legos sit there until it was time for his friend to go home. I asked my son if he would start picking up his toys and he looked at his friend and says, "You have to help me because you helped make the mess." And the two of them put each and every one of the Legos away without complaining.

I also had the opportunity that day to use the techniques I learned from the Sibling Rivalry workshop with regards to their fighting over a toy. It seems that my son doesn't want to play with a certain toy until someone else decides to pick it up. The struggle is more of the play that they enjoy rather than being the one to end up with whatever it is they're fighting over. As soon as one of them either gives in or decides to take turns, the fun is over, no more fighting and for that reason, the particular toy gets ignored and they move on to something else.

At dinner last night and before bed, we shared plenty of G.E.M.s which are Genuine Encounter Moments, situations where we bond and enjoy being in the same room with one another and focus our attention on each other. At dinner we held hands (I ate with my left hand which wasn't easy) and at bedtime he sat on my lap as I read him stories and I held his hand again as he laid down to fall asleep.

It's these G.E.M.s that make up the time when he's away and strengthens the bond between us. In the morning, he usually wants to sit on my lap or have me hold him for a while before he officially wakes up.

This reminds me of a recent article I discovered that, although published in 2006, is still relevant information and confirms why these G.E.M.s are so important to families and loved ones.

In the article published in The New York Times, Tiffany Field, the director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine states,

Based on what we’ve seen, when we get more physical intimacy we get better relationships, whether a mother and an infant or a couple.

Share a G.E.M. with someone you care about and see what difference it makes in your day. No talking is required. Holding hands is the easiest way to do this, or rubbing their back, or placing your arm around them. You'll find yourself more relaxed, more in the moment, and more willing to hear what the other person has to say.

Judging a Book By Its Cover

I was asked by a colleague to answer a few questions about on line dating for an upcoming article she's writing. It seems that since I'm one of the few single parents that is in this particular circle, I'm suddenly an "expert" on the subject.

For a very short while after my husband and I separated, I joined Match.com after a friend convinced me to put my profile on line. Not a good idea. I had to describe myself and what I was looking for in a potential partner. (Can I just say that if I couldn't get it right the first time, how in the heck was I supposed to know what I was looking for a second time? Or third? Or...)

I did not include a photo at first since I couldn't find one that I wanted to advertise to the world. But I soon learned that this was the only way I was going to get anyone interested in communicating with me.

A few men showed interest but once I saw their photo - I didn't even read their profile. I grew very disappointed with the prospects. A couple of men asked me to send them a photo. I did and, of course, never heard from them again.

Once my photo was on line I started to get a ridiculous number of emails from older men. And by older, I mean 15 or more years older. No, thank you. Needless to say, my on line profile did not last long.

I've dated a few men in the last year but only those that I first met in real life. What I forgot about the dating scene that is so wonderful is the physical aspect of it. And by that I mean eye contact, seeing his reaction to what I'm saying or how his voice changes when he talks to me. None of this could be done on line.

It's nice to be able to lean in close when talking and smell his cologne, hold his hand as we're walking next to each other or brush my lips gently against his as we say goodbye to one another.

The sparks that fly between two people are what makes dating so exciting. Regardless of whether we end up with someone temporarily or for an extended period of time, the truth is, we all enjoy a little affection and knowing that someone is interested in what we have to say.

On line dating is not for me, although I have heard of people who have had great success, fallen in love and are now married. Will they end up in the storybooks like the others who live happily ever after? Who knows?

What I do know is that I look forward to dating, to hold hands with someone who makes me laugh, who respects me, and who listens to what I have to say.

Thanks to Grandma J for sharing this adorable video!