It's Official!

It's about time. It's about independence. It's about moving on and putting my past where it belongs - behind me.

I heard from my lawyer's office today. I've had a more difficult time dealing with the end of my relationship with the legal secretary and receptionist from his office more than I've had saying good riddance to my marriage.

After sixteen long and life-altering months, I am officially divorced, no longer married, free to do just about anything I please, as long as it does not involve my son, of course. (Anything related to him still requires permission and a court order, but that's a whole other story.)

Sixteen months. I can't believe it's been that long since my ex-husband announced that he was filing for divorce. Of course, sixteen months ago I wasn't in the same place, emotionally, and it took a while for the seriousness of his statement to sink in.

Now, I can proudly say that I am stronger, happier, healthier and more confident than I've ever been before (thanks mostly to my therapist). Throughout the last year and a half (just about), I've gained new friends, fell in love, had my heart broken, reconstructed my relationship with my son, my father, and my ex-husband. Along the way, I discovered strengths within me that I never knew existed.

It's been a growing period, that's for sure, but I'm pleased to report that after all the tears and heartbreak, I have no regrets. I have nothing to apologize for and certainly don't feel there's any reason for anyone to feel sorry for me.

The only person in this world that I will need to explain my portion of the responsibility to, is of course, my son. He's much too young now to understand the implications of the marriage between his father and I or why it was not possible for us to have remained together, but at some point, I will need to sit down with him and answer the many questions that I know he will have.

It's better to have loved and lost,
than to live with a Psycho
for the rest of your life!

I will say this right now. Each of us (his father and I) have a different version of the story to tell. And I'm certain that over time, those versions will be altered with what we recall and what we want to remember as our own truth, however different and separate those truths may be.

I am proud of my son for having the courage to deal with such a major disruption in his life and I am equally proud of his father, for having the strength and courage to walk away when he did. And I am just as proud of myself for having the strength and courage to not give up, to fight harder for the life that I want for my son and for standing up to those who weren't sure if they agreed with my course of action.

It's official. I am no longer a married woman. I'm a 30-year-old, single, working mom, newly divorced. It sounds less scary for me to say this out loud than it probably is for most married (or never married) people to hear.

We all have different paths in life that take us in directions that even we can't predict. I believe mine was chosen for me and although it's been a bumpy ride, I'm still moving, now at a faster pace, and I can't wait to see what's around the bend.

Goodnight, My Angel

Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark and deep

Inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullabies go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be

(c) Billy Joel

He left today. I sat down after saying goodbye and watched him slowly disappear. I was smiling and crying at the same time. I can't help but smile when I think of him even though I was upset about the weekend coming to an end and about a certain situation that caused a bit of tension during his visit.

I was sitting there imagining that he would come running back to hold me again one last time. I was hoping that his plane would be canceled so he would have no choice but to stay one more night.

I stayed at the airport for a while, waiting for his plane to leave and waiting a few minutes afterwards, daydreaming about him changing his mind about getting on the plane at all.

My imagination works overtime lately. I find myself wondering what life would be like if I had the freedom to move or pick up and go whenever and wherever.

I am torn between my role as mom and just being me. The Mom in me focuses primarily on my son, wanting what's best for him and working hard to create a life for us.

The single woman in me focuses on me and wanting to create a life in which I can be satisfied and loved and making a life with someone who is equally focused on our mutual needs, wants and desires.

My life has taken me in a direction that I never expected. Here I am, thousands of miles away from the people I care deeply about and I find that I'm always missing someone. I know now how my son must feel pretty much all of the time. If he's with me, he misses Dad. If he's with Dad, he misses Mom.

I feel so guilty for putting him in this situation. At the same time, I know I didn't really have a choice. My instincts kicked in when I hit rock bottom and I realize now that things had to change in order to establish a healthy environment for my son.

After fully healing, I finally recognize the strength I had in order to crawl out from the darkness.

I'm happier and healthier (emotionally) than I've ever been and I now have so much to look forward to. Everyone needs that. It's what keeps us going, the future, and I'm excited about mine.

The Waiting Game (Warning: Somewhat Graphic)

The biopsy went as planned. Monday morning I woke up, drove to my friend's house so she could accompany me and we drove to my doctor's office while talking about the arrival of her new baby (she's 39 weeks pregnant).

As my doctor explained, there would be a slight pinch as she numbed me with a Novocaine-type shot. She asked me not to move, but said that yelling out would be OK. I did yell out loud when the needle pinched and then burned but, immediately, the Novocaine went into effect and I could no longer feel any pain. She began to cut out the lesion with a scissors.

She worked quickly and before long, she was done and sending me off on my merry way. I was walking a bit slowly at first since it was slightly uncomfortable, but the pain did not kick in until I sat down in the car and realized that sitting was going to be the most unpleasant thing for me while I heal.

My friend drove us back to her place where she made me a latte and we sat for a while until I felt ready to go back to work. Yep, I went back to work, although the worst part of the whole thing was that I of course did not get any sleep the night before, so I was exhausted, uncomfortable and in pain.

I didn't stay long at the office. I went home and took a much-needed nap before picking up my son from preschool. After not seeing him for 3 days it was great to be able to bond with him and spend time just watching him and listening to him explain his weekend, his day at school, and all about his favorite toys.

The waiting game begins. My doctor says it'll be 1-2 weeks before the results come back. My patience is already pretty thin, so I'm wondering how many more sleepless nights I'll have until the results come back.

Symbology

There have been a few votes for my next tattoo although it's currently tied with one vote for each of the three choices.

To help visualize what I have in mind, I thought I'd highlight the symbols and icons themselves and let you know more about where I want them placed and what they look like. Eventually, I'd like to get all three but for now, I want to focus on which one will be next.

My son is a Capricorn, born December 30, 2003. For a while I was debating whether to get his name tattooed somewhere, his initials or a symbol in honor of him. This is the Capricorn sign that I'd like to get on the top of my wrist.

Looking back at this last year I've had, I realized how strong I truly am. The people in my life who support and inspire me are even stronger. The Chinese character for strength is a simple and beautiful design. I would like to get this on the top of my other wrist. Would the two clash seeing as how they are so similar and yet not related in any way?

Finally, I'd like to complete my back piece by putting a hummingbird on the back of my left shoulder. The hummingbird would be holding a piece of ribbon in its mouth that would loop around and go over my spine and down the back of my right shoulder and wrap slightly around my right arm.

Cast your vote and send me some feedback, suggestions or questions. I'm already working on more ideas for when these three have been added to my walking canvas. Send me photos of your tattoos to inspire me or let me know if you have an artist in Southern California that you suggest I use.

The voting area is on the sidebar a few scroll-downs below my profile. I realize there's no option for those of you who may think I have too many tattoos already. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but tattoos are an addiction for me, one of the healthier ones I could be burdened with, I might add. It costs just time and money and a few odd looks from passers-by, but I've wasted time and money in worse ways.