Chronic lateness.
For clarity, “chronic” here means “three dates in a row.” If your date arrives more than ten minutes late each time, don’t wait for his (or her) fourth arrival. Be gone. No doubt your date will have wonderful excuses, and one or two may even be sound. But three in a row is a pattern, and what the pattern says is: I don’t want to get into this. So neither do you.Ketchup on eggs.
If one of those first dates is brunch, and your new friend reaches for the ketchup to put on her eggs, RED FLAG! I realize this may seem arbitrary or fussy. Or perhaps you think I’m making a class judgment here. Well, maybe I am! What’s wrong with that? All I know is: Nothing good ever comes of ketchup on eggs. And it’s really gross.Rudeness to waiters.
And taxi drivers, and any-one else in a service job. I shouldn’t even have to explain why this is a dealbreaker. Just remember that it is.
Scary divorce stories.
It’s amazing how much a new prospect will tell you about her life on a first or second date—much more than she knows she’s saying. The question is: Do you hear it? If she launches into the story of her messy divorce, is her ex the villain in every respect? To me, that’s a red flag right there. Anyone who’s emotionally grounded should be able to see that two people, not one, contributed to a divorce.A deep attachment to disturbing pets.
A golden retriever is fine, and cats are all right if they don’t do much. But I’m still haunted by the memory of an ancient, hairless dachshund that would manage to jump up on the bed during inopportune moments and bay. Not until the dog-owner chose to disengage herself from me and comfort the dog instead did I know that this was trouble.Fling-o-matics.
During a first, incredibly romantic lunch with a new prospect some time ago, I mentioned that my most recent relationship had ended after a year. “A year,” my new friend marveled. “That’s so impressive! All of my relationships end after three months.” Of course I resolved to be the exception. Over the next weeks, which happened to include Christmas and New Year’s, we had an amazing time, both in New York City, where she had a charming Hell’s Kitchen walk-up, and at my house in the Hamptons. One Sunday, after I’d put her on the train home, I came back to find the most tenderly romantic note on my pillow, something about soul mates joined. The next week, for no outward cause, she called to break up with me. No argument, no terrible time, just end of story. Only later did I realize it was week 12. Lesson: When a woman over 35 tells you all her relationships have ended after a few months, RED FLAG.Demon children.
Children with an issue or two? Maybe. Children who hate you? Watch out. Hopelessly spoiled or angry children, like D—’s? Head for the door.Money matters.
Money stirs up so many issues, conscious and unconscious, far more than any magazine article can cover. For now, let’s just list two red flags you can spot early on. One: If a man suggests splitting the tab on a first date, the woman should pay—then bolt. I don’t say this is fair, especially if, for instance, the woman is a CEO and the man is a freelance writer. But it’s the way it is, and any man who tries to worm out of his society-given role as tab-picker-upper on the first (or second or third) date for the sake of saving a few bucks is a creep to be ditched. For men, an early red flag about money may not start waving until the third or fourth date. A lot of women begin life as daddy’s girls; a few stay that way. They feel men should provide them with the lifestyle to which they’ve grown accustomed from other men who did just that. If you’re a sugar daddy yourself, have fun. If not, back off. Over time you’ll only be despised—and dropped.
The Parent Trap.
Powerful emotions about one’s parents—positive or negative—are a huge red flag. For men, mother-worship is relationship death. One 50-year-old man I know has dated every single woman in New York and found, to his bafflement, that none is good enough—for his mother, that is. (She’s still calling the shots at age 85.) One of this guy’s many castoffs is a very attractive, successful woman of 42, whom I later dated myself. Now that I know both, I can only wonder who was the first to reject the other. It must have been like two gunfighters at the O.K. Corral. N— rejected me after three really nice dates because she decided my eight-year-old daughter, whom she hadn’t yet met, would be an “encumbrance” to our relationship. (Since she hadn’t met her, she couldn’t claim my daughter was a demon child.) Only after we became friends did I learn how much she resents both her parents. Coincidence? I don’t think so.Bad sex.
I don’t need to go into detail here, do I? Except to say that bad sex may get better after a first, fumbling time, but bad sex two or three times in a row is sex that only gets worse. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that sex is just one part of a relationship, that laughter and shared values are as important, etc., etc. They’re not. Red flag. BIG red flag.Dirty underwear and socks.
Your mother was right. They have to be clean. Dirty underwear is the hallmark of a secret slob, and every secret slob has many worse habits you don’t even want to think about—but will all too soon get to know if you don’t leave now.The Anger Hum.
As he or she talks, not just about past romantic relationships but about work, friends, and family, listen for a low hum of anger, like a third rail running along the tracks of your new prospect’s life. For reasons I never quite figured out, I used to be attracted to women who had that vibe. Maybe it seemed sexy; maybe it reminded me of my mother. But I now know how to recognize anger—not shows of temper, which may be healthy in moderation, but the deeper, more destructive hum—and to back off when I hear it.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your son Tom
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
AMERICAN SPECIALTY TOY RETAILING ASSOCIATION (ASTRA)
INFANT PLAY
Conceived by Babies. Made by Moms™. Each Taggie is crafted of child-friendly fleece and uniquely adorned with lots of playful ribbon tags.
Perfect for calming baby into a restful sleep, the dual motion screen plays soft music when activated by parent or baby.
TODDLER PLAY
Busy, busy, busy, there is no life busier than a toddler's. At this age, all neurons are firing and the connections are fast and furious. Toddlers need truly interactive toys – toys that engage, are child-powered and as imaginative as their minds.
As first bath-time baby dolls, Tidoos are terrific. Tidoos are lightweight and filled with polystyrene pellets for cuddly soft but towel-dryable bodies.
Astronauts, space dog, alien, moon buggy … Lift Off Rocket has it all – even a voice that calls out the countdown sequence.
Powered by friction and the push of a child's hand, Fred and the other WOW vehicle play sets are toddler-tough, action-packed, and certifiably safe.
Fresh takes on traditional themes, these soft winsome pals will win the hearts of tiny tots as they teach important dressing skills.
Make pretty pictures and master basic colors and shapes as you do. This wood pattern play set has become a modern classic.
Fall asleep under the stars! Twilight Turtle is 3 in 1: a soft bedtime companion, a soothing nightlight, and an educational planetarium.
Soft pillows, warm blankets, and comforting companions, these colorful creatures are perfect for naptime, travel, and just lounging about.
ACTIVE PLAY
No more couch potatoes! Physical activity is important for the whole child – building body muscles, pumping blood to the mind, developing vital motor skills and promoting self-esteem.
Made of super-strong, yet soft, latex-free vinyl, these Italian-made Gymnic hopping ball riders are simply the best.
This smooth little smart car is fueled by the most inexhaustible energy on earth – kid power. Wiggle the handles back and forth and off you go!
In safety, durability, and performance, this tramp is a jump above all the rest, ASTM
Brought to
Big, soft, and beautiful, BeamO is a giant flying ring that you throw with your hand and catch with your whole body.
A healthy challenge for mind and body, it's an electronic action game that improves reflexes, balance, and coordination while you match colors, numbers, and sounds.
CONSTRUCTIVE PLAY
Turn off the laptop and video. Nothing equips kids to face the technological challenges of tomorrow like hands-on manipulative building. Research has shown that playing with blocks, puzzles, and other construction toys helps build 3-D math reasoning, spatial and problem-solving skills.
The quintessential plaything, Beka blocks are conceived, created, and made in
Graduated wedge shapes stack and build any which way. Start with a basic pyramid, move onto a diamond, and then go beyond standard geometry to structures far more fanciful!
Made of
An over-the-top marble run experience, this marble run is brilliantly conceived, meticulously crafted, beautiful to behold, and thrilling to play with!
Take the control pad in your hand and rev up! Trust us, it takes far more brain than brawn power to control this construction site.
No safety or polarity problems here – just countless building possibilities. Safely encapsulated in the sides of triangle and square pieces are powerful magnets that rotate upon contact to automatically align and connect.
Granddaddy never had Erector sets like this. From steel beams and girders, build a modern-day Hummer with full function RC action or an interactive spy robot, capable of wireless PC communication.
CREATIVE PLAY
In its most natural, child-initiated form, play is miraculously creative: unstructured, open-ended, imaginative, carefree, and fun. And children come by it naturally – seeing the world with fresh, new eyes and then using what they see in original ways. Visual arts and other creative activities provide children outlets to express themselves.
Dots and dazzles but no splashes and spills. American-made poster paints in big sponge-tip applicators make a child's first painting experience fun and easy for everyone.
Squish it, shape it, save it – then start all over again! Last year's miracle molding material returns with more colors in a 12-piece pack.
Pop out greetings with pride and great thank-you notes, too. Made-in-America kits come packed with piles of die-cut pop-outs, glue sticks, card forms, and envelopes.
From a weaving expert in
Get ready for the runway: Fashion Design Studio gives fashion ingénues the stuff, know-how, and inspiration to dream up designer originals.
Klutz Stencil Art provides the right tools and the right techniques so that you can effortlessly create inspirational artwork.
FANTASY & PRETEND PLAY
Fantasy play fires up kids' creative juices and helps them grow socially and emotionally. As children invent and act out imaginary stories, dreams, and desires, they are able to express their own strong feelings in acceptable ways.
Glitzy capes that fall to the floor, peaked caps with flowing veils, bejeweled foam swords, and magic wands – just add a kids' imagination and there's no telling what kingdoms can be conquered!
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Go back in time to the days of yore – reenact the whole Middle Ages with this incredible collection of hand-painted knights and colorful wood castles.
Incredibly expressive, Folkmanis hand puppets make wonderful interactive gifts for all ages, super for babies, older sibs, and adult storytellers alike. From the award-winning Chameleon and Snowy Owl to the new Galapagos Tortoise and woodland Fawn, each puppet has a unique charm.
Serengeti heaven! Create an entire African wildlife diorama with these authentically-detailed, German-designed animals and nursery.
Ready for takeoff! The new Playmobil Jet Plane is packed with such realistic detail it's certain to pass any little pilot's inspection.
Spiel Gut! These German-made trucks get the highest European Good Toy award for quality and play value. They're big, brawny vehicles that look and function like the real things.
GAME PLAY
Learn to play and play to learn: Games teach us all how to take turns, how to win and lose, how to calculate, how to plan ahead, and how to have fun with family and friends.
Zimbbos and the new Froggy Boogie are great preschool games, featuring big colorful wood pieces and simple play action that combines luck, skill, and surprise.
Match up pairs and enjoy pretty art as you do. From nature to fairytales to children around the world, the themes and charming illustrations are guaranteed to captivate kids.
It's make it and break it, sort it and steal it! Who would ever believe math set theory could be played at such break-neck speeds?
Rat-a-Tat Cat, Scrambled States of America, Slamwich … Buy just one and you'll get hooked on this whole series of fast-action, quick-thinking card games, made right here in the U.S.A.
No pencil, no paper, no bulky board – Bananagrams is fast and fun and the most delicious new word game in years.
Illuminate to eliminate! Egyptian-themed board game combines real lasers with strategy in a Mensa award-winning duel.
INVESTIGATIVE PLAY
Kids are born scientists. From infancy, children seek out and explore, inquire and investigate, and learn from hands-on experience and experimentation how the world works. Science and applied math are simply child's play.
Simple enough for a three year old and sophisticated enough for your yard sale, this amazing talking machine is a coin wizard, calculator, and 4-level game machine.
The aerodynamic My First Airplanes teaches all about flight and is the latest in the award-winning My First series of hands-on science fun.
Award-winning kit lets kids witness the miracle of metamorphosis, then release lovely painted ladies, a native butterfly species in all 50 states, into the wild.
Snap Circuits makes learning electronics super easy and fascinating fun. Plastic modules are color-coded and so are the step-by-step manuals.
It takes the Germanic scientific mind to make physics seem like a walk in the park. Just follow the manuals, build models, then conduct experiments with them.
, Mallika Chopra and Dr. Anthony DeMaria), they showed the PBS documentary, Where Do the Children Play? which was phenomenal. I highly recommend it to all parents, grandparents, educators and anyone else interested in child development.My job as a parent is the most demanding, challenging, frustrating, exciting, rewarding and powerful role I could every take on. If anyone told me (I think they did but perhaps I wasn't listening) exactly what parenthood would be like, I wouldn't believe them. I wouldn't understand because you can never truly comprehend what being a parent really means until you're there; looking at your little child who is not taking NO for an answer."Every single day of parenthood forces us to juggle the practical along with the ineffable, to strive for connectedness along with autonomy, to quarrel and question and, in the end, to let go." - Anne Pleshette Murphy (Blindsided by a Diaper)
"A baby, it turns out, is more permanent than a tattoo."
- Michael Finkel (Welcome to the Babyhouse)
I feel sorry for those "...men...determined to be better fathers than their own dads but who felt criticized by their wives every time they even tried."
- Amy Sohn (Confessions of a Sugar Mommy)
And I lost big time. I lost my husband, the family that I created and my sense of identity had to be completely redefined."The Who Has the Harder Job? Show had begun - and it ran for more seasons
than I care to count. Inevitably, we both ended up losers."
- Susan Maushart (Where the Bruises Are)
"...babies begin to smile at exactly this point - six to eight weeks in -
as a matter of survival...this is also the time parents stop smiling at each other."
- Nicholas Weinstock (Being a Baby)
"...he loved [our son] with an over-the-top abandon that he never showed me."
- Elizabeth Larsen (To Jealousy and Beyond)
"...just as children fundamentally alter the nature of marriage...
children affect the end of marriage even more profoundly."
- David Elliot Cohen (Life Sentence)
"...if couples can find ways to talk openly -
with each other and with other couples - about the changes they're encountering,
they'll be better equipped to navigate the challenges."
- Dana Bedford Hilmer (editor, Blindsided by a Diaper)
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