It's a Boy!

Because I was a tomboy and have always felt comfortable around males (I had two male roommates during my last year of college), when I found out, five and a half years ago, that I was pregnant with a baby boy, I was very excited. I also looked forward to having my own father involved in his life, more so - I imagined - than he was during my childhood.

Growing up with a sister always made me that much more interested and curious about males since they were a little foreign to me. I was jealous of my friends who had brothers, either younger or older than us. But, for some reason, when it came time to thinking about raising my son on my own (when his father and I separated), I thought that it would be no problem. I thought, from my feminist point of view, that boys and girls were pretty much the same. They - all children - need love, attention and discipline in order to thrive and survive.

As my son got older, started talking and becoming more active and aggressive, I realized, for the first time probably, just how different boys and girls truly are. Yes, we are all still equals, but to ignore the differences between men and women would do us all a disservice.

I picked up a copy of Dr. Michael Thompson's book, It's a Boy! to figure out ways to enhance my son's self-esteem as he gets older and continues to develop. Since my son recently turned five, I grabbed the book off the shelf once again to read the chapters devoted to boys his age, boys who are getting ready to start school and who continue to become more masculine as they develop and become the "little men" that they are designed to be.

One of the concerns we hear about in the media, regarding boys especially, is their risk for developing and being diagnosed with ADD. It's often difficult to gain our son's attention or have them focus on tasks or assignments in school. As parents, Dr. Thompson claims that there are four things we can do to help children gain good attentional abilities:

1. Turn off the screen (TV or computer)
   
2. Provide a quiet play space where you are nearby
3. Play games with your son (regularly but not constantly)
4. Protect that precious time by not scheduling him into too many after-school activities
   

Another important element to nurturing a young boy's self-esteem is to provide him with opportunities to explore the arts, whether it be music, drawing, clay or woodwork. As Dr. Thompson has seen in over thirty years of working with young boys, "experience in the arts allows a boy to feel a sense of satisfaction that he cannot experience in any other realm of his life. And it allows him insight into himself that he cannot obtain in any other way." He can look at the final result and say to himself, "This is mine. I made it. It represents me."

Many parents that I work with often have difficulties or challenges with communicating or dealing with their sons (more often than with their daughters). I am able to offer them some insight based on my own experiences, along with great advice that Dr. Thompson outlines in this book.

Some fathers often become frustrated with their sons because they feel as though they do not want to spend time with them. Around the age of twelve, young boys really need their fathers and will look to them as role models and companions, someone whom they will strive to be just like as they get older.

Moms raising boys on their own wonder what they can do to help their young boys feel capable and confident. Since boys like to feel needed and useful, simply asking for their help , beginning at an early age, will help. Thompson refers to author Thomas Lickona who says there are three things that will help a boy build strong character: habits of the heart (their desire to want to help), habits of the mind (recognizing situations where help is needed), and habits of practice (following through and providing help). Providing opportunities for your son to help out is vital and as they get older, their responsibilities may shift from having them help you in the kitchen to helping with a major task that requires a bit more "elbow grease."

Another question that comes up when working with single mothers is communication about their child's father, who are not be involved in their lives. Thompson states that it's important for moms to mention their father whenever her son does something that reminds her of him. "He needs to hear that he came from a living, breathing man and that that is a good thing in your eyes."

What else can a father do to help guide a young boy struggling to become more independent? Thompson lists several things that both mom and dad can do:

• Listen and ask questions
• Don't look over your son's shoulder at every move he makes
• Draw the line between being an advocate and being an enabler
• Be generous with praise, honest and vocal about your love and firm with discipline
• Focus on his gifts and talents
• Let your son grow
• Don't make excuses for your son
• Model responsible communication for solving problems
• Set limits and stick to them
• Never say, "My son would never do that."
• Create realistic expectations by letting your son fail in order to allow him to figure out how to succeed on his own.
  

Finally, one of the most important issues that Thompson addresses is how to help your son celebrate the milestone of finally becoming a man. Since society doesn't honor any specific rituals for when a boy truly steps into manhood, parents can create opportunities for their adolescent son to have their own rite of initiation, perhaps something outdoors, where there is the chance for them to experience both commitment and courage, sharing a sense of mission with other young men his age.

Many examples and stories are gathered in this insightful and resourceful guide from Thompson's experience working with boys and men for the majority of his career. As a parent, educator or someone trying to understand their own development, this is a wonderful book to have during any stage of a young man's life as well as a great gift for those wanting a deeper and stronger connection with the male child.

Gift Guide for Guys

The Holiday Gift Guide for Men has now been published. Shop at Playboy for great clothes, sheets and gifts to please you and your man or shop HBO for the DVD collections of his favorite shows.

Happy Shopping!

Sports & Sex

I'm a huge sports fan, although I can't claim any teams as my own. I'll yell and cheer and jump up and down during hockey, basketball, football, soccer, baseball, beach volleyball, etc.

My son and I cheered on the athletes from the Summer Olympics that recently ended and I'm counting down the days until I'm able to purchase tickets to the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver (less than 30 days from now!).

If I had known years ago that sex is better for men after their team wins, I'd be more likely to stick around for the post-game celebration (if you know what I mean).

When I visited Las Vegas last year, I made sure to stop by the ESPN Zone gift shop for some souvenirs to bring back home. I bought my son (who was 3 at the time) a T-Shirt that read, "I watch ESPN with my mom!" It's true. My son and I are huge sports fans and we're always watching sports if we're not participating in them ourselves.

I told one of my male friends about the T-Shirt via text messaging and he wrote back to tell me how I was "so going to get laid," because of that shirt. I was so confused. How was my son's shirt going to get me laid?

Apparently, sex and sports go together like salt and pepper, or chips and salsa. Why I'm referring to food here, I have no idea. The point I'm trying to make is that this article makes complete sense, looking back on the relationships I've had in my life. Whether it be friends or lovers, the men who I've enjoyed watching sports with have always been affected by the outcome of the games, psychologically.

Sports are not to be taken lightly, ladies. When a man's team wins, he's happy (and horny). When his team loses - or plays horribly - he's not in the mood for love.

I would imagine this would be similar to a woman's experience after shopping. She's either feeling guilty (and not in the mood) or high from the spending spree and wanting to release some of her energy with her man.

So, here's my idea. Women, if you're not a sports fan, use Monday Night Football as a night to go shopping. Leave your kids with Grandma or heck, take them with you! When it's time to head home, be sure to call your man to find out the results of the game. You may need to take action on your own but you can be sure to head home in the Express Lane if his team has won. He'll be ready to do you some favors once you get home (if you know what I mean).

Go Team!

Fathers, Husbands, & Men

Tyler from Building Camelot put together many amazing lists of blogs and specific posts that might appeal to men, whether they are married, have children or otherwise.

Since I'm into reading blogs by dads and appreciate the male perspective on relationships, I'm including a link back to Tyler's posts where the lists can be found:

• 101 Awesome Sites for Men, Husbands, & Fathers
• 55 MORE Awesome Sites for Guys, Husbands, & Dads

What am I missing? Comment here if you think I'm missing out on a great discussion or blog written from the male point-of-view.

For Those Who Give a Tweet

WARNING: If you're one of the men involved in my Four Man Plan, you may not want to continue reading. And, if you do, you may not want to continue to participate. Either way, I thank you for being here for me.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that there are many things left unsaid that would take me many more than 140 characters to explain. I'll answer the recent questions here.

If you don't give a tweet, skip on back to read my review of The Four Man Plan before returning to this post.

by Cindy Lu

Back to The Four Man Plan: A Romantic Science and how I've implemented the plan into my life. You see, back in February, I read the book for the first time and thought to myself, I already do these things, and my life continued with no major changes on my part, or so I thought.

Little did I know that I was implementing elements from the book by simply changing the way I viewed each relationship. The Four Man Plan is amazing. Truly.

Currently, I do have men in my life that fill my needs, each catering to a different need that I have. There's one that supports me and helps me financially, due to the fact that I am the mother of his child. Then there's another man who I am having an emotional affair with. We communicate several times a day (he's several states away). He is the one man in my life whom I truly love (in every sense of the word). I have someone in my life who fulfills my physical needs (you know exactly what this means!) and yet another who is my drinking buddy. We watch bad Reality TV together and bitch about the state of our nation. We also get into political discussions, but then again, I have those discussions with just about anyone.

UPDATE: The drinking buddy mentioned above has been eliminated. Read comments below to learn about his replacement.

The point of The Four Man Plan is to give yourself more options in life. And by options, I mean men. Dating one person at one time (in my opinion) does nothing other than provide you with a false sense of security. You become attached to one another and even if that person is only filling half your needs, you feel content. Meanwhile, your other needs are being neglected until one day you finally realize what's been missing and you both end up with heartache and ugly feelings which cause you to drift apart.

Before you make any judgments, I have to say that I was a bit unclear at first about the idea of "dating" four men at one time. The thing with my situation is that I'm not really dating anyone right now. I have four very unique relationships with four very unique individuals who happen to be men. The fact that they know about one another (for the most part) makes it that much more enjoyable. I don't have to worry about my reputation because there is nothing going on that I can't tell my mom about (she's my number one reader here after all - Hi Mom!).

If you're married or in a committed relationship, then this might not work for you. Although you never know. If your partner trusts you and you trust him/her, why not pick up this book and read it together? I'm not talking about an open marriage, of course, where each person is "allowed" to have sex with other people. I'm talking about having friends and companions of the opposite sex while having nothing to do with sex at all.

Having a small, yet tight-knit circle of friends is great. What's more amazing is when you can free yourself by allowing others in and have separate groups of friends from different walks of life that you can relate to.

There are many of you reading this that are saying to yourself, "Duh, I have friends like this already." I applaud those of you who may have a strong and trusting relationship that allows for these types of friendships to exist. Sadly, many do not.

Getting to the point, finally, I want to reiterate the fact that we all have different - and many - needs. There are some people in our lives that are not capable of ever fulfilling them, or are not willing to try. So, again, this is where the idea comes from that having different people in your life who play different roles can be inspiring, exciting and satisfying.

The lucky ones - and there are many - will find that one person who can fulfill every desire. Of course, the purpose of The Four Man Plan, is to narrow down the prospects so you can find that one person who is willing and able to satisfy your every desire.

I encourage everyone who is currently single to implement this plan.

Good luck and have fun!

In Response...

Over at Dad's House, there's an interesting discussion that's been catching the eye of many a blogger (single parents, especially). Here are my two cents:

1. Men are creepy. My male "friend" of over four years ended up confessing his feelings for me recently and I was TOTALLY creeped out since I had been sharing info about my life with him over the past several years (including details about my current relationship and how I feel towards the man in my life). ICK. I can never look at him the same way again.

2. A woman doesn't want to hear that she's attractive or sexy from just anyone (and if she does then she has issues). Most women only want to hear this from a guy she's totally into or finds attractive and sexy too. But, the problem is, how does a guy know if he falls into this category or not?

3. The fact that most men admit to looking at women in a sexual way (regardless of the circumstances) should serve to elicit a strong reaction from all involved. It should also go without saying that men do need women (and vice versa).

4. David wrote: "For a woman to admit she needs a man reveals vulnerability." David, it all depends on the circumstance or what she is really saying she needs. Perhaps she needs his attention. Perhaps she needs him to fulfill her fantasies in a physical way. Perhaps she needs him for a one night stand or a lifelong commitment. Perhaps she just needs to feel he wants her so she can turn around and reject him. Let's not generalize here. And to MsSingleMama - I'm not referring to you in any of the above scenarios.

Let's face it, women have been using the power of their sexuality for generations to get what they want or "need" and that isn't about to change anytime soon. (I'm not saying I agree with this or that I myself do this but then again, I'm not saying that I don't.) And for just as long, men have been trying to figure out ways to use that power against us.

I could go on but I'm afraid my blog isn't just about relationships or sexuality. But I will end with this: I need the men in my life for different things and I believe admitting that only makes me stronger.

Men, women, single or in a relationship - what do you think? Obviously the convo caused a strong emotional reaction from those who've read and commented so far...